Memory Confirmed

[Shadowofdoubt]

I deal with fear of abandonment issues. I have been 2 weeks in counseling and have experienced emotional flashbacks whenever this fear is discussed. I have a vague memory of a time as a child when I was left behind at a store...my family took off without me. I just had that memory confirmed by my dad and am greatful that I can actually start on healing the feelings associated with that memory. My guess is I was around age 6. I now believe that incident was the cause of PTSD I suffered as a child and that has plagued me all my life.

I'm just curious if this has ever happened to anyone here. There was probably a good 20 minute lapse before they came back to find me standing on the sidewalk out in front of the store. All I can really remember is hiding in a clothes rack for a really long time and no one ever came to find me. I think I dissociated from the rest, I can see myself standing there sobbing, but the memory is vague.

 

[sun seeker]

@Shadowofdoubt, I have a whole lot of reasons for abandonment fear, but one memory that comes to mind in particular when you share this is from when I was also about six. I was downtown (city of 20,000) shopping with my mother and dragging and wanting to go home, while she wanted to keep shopping. She took me to a bus stop and left me there to take the bus home. It wasn't until after she'd left me there that I realized she hadn't given me any money for the fare. A woman came along and found me standing there sobbing and paid my fare. I'm trying to describe the feeling of being left there but can't quite find words.

I am horrified when I see parents threaten small children who are lagging behind on the street or park by telling them "I'm leaving now, you can stay here." It's playing on a child's worst fears to get compliance.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I was left at a restaurant at age seven because I was in the washroom when they left. Luckily I knew my grandparents phone number and called them. The restaurant manager was in the know and I stayed with his wife until my parents returned. I managed it quite well for my age, and understood that since it was a family outing, they all thought I was in the other family members car. The owners wife went out with me to find the car, but since it was clear they were gone, I waited a bit before I called. I got to talk to my uncle who was worried and sent my parents out to get me once they arrived at my grandparents house. I very clearly remember my mother acting out when she got to the restaurant. Uncomfortable, but I handled okay.

It's a recovered memory for you, so it's more intense for sure. You're not alone in this, which hopefully brings some comfort.

 

[jaccat]

Yep, lots, though in my case it wasn't so much intentional as my family forgot I existed:

Being out on a day trip, walking along looking at stalls to find my whole family has gone on without me.
Being taken to places like Brownies and no one coming to pick me up. I got taken home by Brown Owl and had to climb into my house through a window.
Playing at a friends house then returning home to find the whole family had gone out and locked the house up so I was stuck with nowhere to go. It started raining and I eventually got rescued by a neighbour.
Being out shopping with my mother knowing that if I didn't keep a very close eye on her she'd forget I was there.

Ditto with the abandonment issues.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, alcoholic mother and lots of violence between parents and verbal/emotional abuse. I did become the quiet, lost child. The issues I deal with are depression/anxiety, codependency, and a horrible self-critic. Life is an ongoing battle. I am getting some help now (once again). Nice to know I'm not alone.

 

[sun seeker]

it wasn't so much intentional as my family forgot I existed

It was like that with me too @jaccat. I don't think it was intentional, I just didn't register in their minds. This comes with its own set of consequences. I'm just starting to think because of this comment about how the two are different.

Once when I was four, for instance, my mother was going somewhere and asked my father to pick me up from school (all day school, it was like that where we lived at the time) and he grunted something she took as affirmative from behind the book he was reading. No one came to get me until she arrived home hours later and asked where I was. He hadn't registered her request at all. That's about the level of attention anyone was paying to anyone in our house.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

It's similar, my parents had 6 kids and I was next to last. They become too involved with the stresses between themselves that it was easy to "forget" us kids. My oldest sister kind of took over that role, but was more attentive to my younger sister, and she left home when I was 7. I think my dad separated from my mom around that time also. (He moved back in later, but I did feel quite alone and abandoned.)

 

[Senecia]

Oh my god...me too. Anything that represents abandonment, in my mind, really makes me sad. Often times when my SO leaves for his reserves weekends, or his annual tour, I start to panic. The "what if he never came back" thoughts. Looking at the uniform makes me think of it, too.
I have a couple memories, but most I have blurred out. I know they're there, because the feeling is too familiar. I was in the zoo with my mother, and when I turned around she wasn't there. I started crying and freaking out immediately, asking people if they saw her. They didn't. And I wandered outside terrified. She found me in a couple minutes and it was a simple mistake, but the fear was so strong in me. It seemed she wasn't worrying that much.
There have been several times over the years where my mom has gotten mad at me in the car while driving, and screamed at me to get out and walk the street to get home. I think the last one I remember is how I didn't want to leave to go somewhere, and she said she'll go without me. So she got in her car, and started it up. She drove away, just around the block a few times... but I didn't like it. And countless other threats. I'm sorry, I could go on. Just some realizations here!

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( You're most definitely not alone. I'm glad you had the confirmation of it. It helps.

 

[illusionist]

My adopted dad died a year after my adopted mum ( can't remember her).... I remember waiting and waiting for him to come back and pick me up. This wasn't the cause of my Ptsd though.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

today in group counseling I brought up this memory and the emotional flashback was intense, I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but do firmly believe now that I had it as a child, and this was the incident. My childhood had lots of trauma, but I had nightmares of being abandoned or left/forgotten when I was a kid, and got greatly triggered last year when an online friend completely shut me out. The funny thing is ..this online friend suffers from PTSD and I never would of really learned about PTSD and how it affected me if it wasn't for him. I will continue to work on healing. Thanks for the replies.

 

[Chava]

Glad you're gaining some insight @Shadowofdoubt ...if you can learn about an incident that you see as a sort of tipping point I think that is very helpful for recovery. Still helpful to check on diagnosis vs self-diagnosis. We can be triggered in lots of ways, by all kinds of bad memories. Abandonment fears and emotional triggers are very real but not always directly related to ptsd (sometimes yes, sometimes other things, so good to get a full eval if on the fence). Not saying you don't have it or that this wasn't traumatic, just that diagnosis can help, or at least therapy directed at the major issue...like abandonment fears, triggered by feeling shut out, etc...if you're working on this in therapy, that's probably the main thing, diagnosis or not.

@richter scale this sort of "abandonment" is very hard for a kid. So confusing. Sorry.

I didn't have a very strong attachment to my parents...I was the kid who just wandered off, trying to attach myself, occasionally, to new "parents". So if my real parents forgot me somewhere....meh, whatever. :meh: But I was left in the hospital in a bigger city far away from home (needed a special pediatric ICU) and that sucked quite a bit. I understand in my adult head that they had to take care of other kids, and they visited me. But I was mostly all alone, very young, with some strangers doing tests on me at random (it seemed) and there was no way for me to understand why any of it was happening. A constant parent would have at least maybe given me that continuing sense of "safety". Nope. I don't consider this the cause of my cptsd but certainly would understand it downgraded my resilience, which was already very lacking. If I had some sort of checklist it would be like "Resilience: -50 points".

I was abandoned in other ways which included my parents being present.

Anyway, as kids we do depend upon our caretakers for all basic needs, so abandonment fears stem from those early times when those needs were very real and primal. And we can play them out as adults subconsciously but in ways that really challenge relationships. My issue has been continually looking for "parents" when I should be married with my own babies. It has made me feel very f*cked up at times...getting better as I "grow up" slowly, ohhhh so slowly. :meh::meh::meh:

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I got to do a session of EMDR therapy yesterday and it amazes me the idea of actually healing memories. This was the second session I've he the Psychologist, he uses rhythmic vibration from devices held in each hand. What is nice is that even if you don't have the full memory you can process through the emotion. I'm very impressed and very hopeful. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, I'm getting some help.