I've been having panic attacks at work over my son working with me now and seeing him go through making mistakes and "getting in trouble" for it (that's what it feels like to me, it doesn't bother him that much).
I know it's linked to my early trauma memory of me and my brother getting in trouble with my mom. This week that memory finally surfaced. Screaming in my head. Her angry, angry face. Not so much even a visual picture of her but the sense of her shape over me filled with out-of-control fury.
My memory of hearing the tone of her voice, being alert for the tone that means it's happening, what can I do to change her mood, what can I do to escape when I can't do that. And then the memory of really being there when it goes full blown. I'm terrorized by it. I'm afraid for my brother.
On Monday it was a relief to have it surface, to feel the feelings that belonged to then instead of have them intrude on the now. I shook all over and let it find its way out of my body. It helped until this morning.
Today I woke up feeling the weight of it on my heart. Close to tears. Then a small trigger at work and I'm crying, trying to stop and my boss thinks he's upset me. I tell him it's not him. Such a stupid little thing, I feel criticized by him. The confusion and shame of it.
I know if I cry much it will be a big one, so I work on being distracted.
Then a big trigger later and I feel like I have to get out of there, I want to leave, want to give up, I can't take it anymore, can't go on like this. I want to quit. I let it be OK if I do. I have to let it be OK to give up, OK if it's too much. Too much stress, pressure.
Get to leave early and go to acupuncture, cry all the way there. I can't fight anymore, I can't do this. I get the needles in and suddenly it starts in my head again - the screaming panic, I'm there with my mother again. She's angry like my boss looks/sounds angry (he's a big guy with a gruff voice), I can't stop her, it's impossible to stand up to her.
I sit up on the table, try to breath and the acupuncturist rubs my back until it subsides - he's good at that, I trust him. He tells me it's good it came out there. I have a good session but cry on the way home. This is a big one, this memory. It's been coming for a long time. This is the most emotionally real it's been.
Triggered, cry and cry and don't care. Now I'm tired, don't know how this will resolve (at work).
I hold on to: I couldn't stand up to my mom then but maybe I could find a voice now. My boss isn't my mother, I'm not a child. I'm so afraid to speak up, appear defensive, appear to be making excuses, be even a little bit angry and start to cry.
I know it's linked to my early trauma memory of me and my brother getting in trouble with my mom. This week that memory finally surfaced. Screaming in my head. Her angry, angry face. Not so much even a visual picture of her but the sense of her shape over me filled with out-of-control fury.
My memory of hearing the tone of her voice, being alert for the tone that means it's happening, what can I do to change her mood, what can I do to escape when I can't do that. And then the memory of really being there when it goes full blown. I'm terrorized by it. I'm afraid for my brother.
On Monday it was a relief to have it surface, to feel the feelings that belonged to then instead of have them intrude on the now. I shook all over and let it find its way out of my body. It helped until this morning.
Today I woke up feeling the weight of it on my heart. Close to tears. Then a small trigger at work and I'm crying, trying to stop and my boss thinks he's upset me. I tell him it's not him. Such a stupid little thing, I feel criticized by him. The confusion and shame of it.
I know if I cry much it will be a big one, so I work on being distracted.
Then a big trigger later and I feel like I have to get out of there, I want to leave, want to give up, I can't take it anymore, can't go on like this. I want to quit. I let it be OK if I do. I have to let it be OK to give up, OK if it's too much. Too much stress, pressure.
Get to leave early and go to acupuncture, cry all the way there. I can't fight anymore, I can't do this. I get the needles in and suddenly it starts in my head again - the screaming panic, I'm there with my mother again. She's angry like my boss looks/sounds angry (he's a big guy with a gruff voice), I can't stop her, it's impossible to stand up to her.
I sit up on the table, try to breath and the acupuncturist rubs my back until it subsides - he's good at that, I trust him. He tells me it's good it came out there. I have a good session but cry on the way home. This is a big one, this memory. It's been coming for a long time. This is the most emotionally real it's been.
Triggered, cry and cry and don't care. Now I'm tired, don't know how this will resolve (at work).
I hold on to: I couldn't stand up to my mom then but maybe I could find a voice now. My boss isn't my mother, I'm not a child. I'm so afraid to speak up, appear defensive, appear to be making excuses, be even a little bit angry and start to cry.
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