Memory

[Hush92]

Yesterday's therapy session was the first time that my issues with memory came up. I guess it was also when I began realizing how much it bothers me.....

My memory is terrible. My therapist says it seems like I lack continuity. I will completely bury things in my memory BUT the really freaky part is that it isn't obvious that I've forgotten anything. It's like I just "rewrite" over it with a fake memory instead. It's only going through my old journals at different times in my life that I can see the truth and things that actually happened. For example what happened this session was she asked me about how my week had gone. I knew I had been having a really bad day, but to me I felt like the week had been uneventful, a fairly regular/peaceful week, however I had been having issues sleeping.

My therapist brought up that it was odd I hadn't experienced anything weird despite being sleep deprived, since lack of sleep tends to....send me into crazy mode. And as soon as she said that it was like memories of the week came flooding back to me. I remembered how I had been in a full-blown psychotic/dissociative state all Tuesday, feeling as though I was in a dream, things were shimmering and pixelated, I was not in my body, I was obsessing over something to do with the devil I still can't fully recall, etc. And as I remembered that more and more about my week began to come back to me. The more I recounted my experiences, I realized that I hadn't returned to a more normal mental state until literally the day before. But I had just expanded that in my memory so that my whole week seemed that way!!

And as we talked about that more I I thought about how much I did that with my life too, like I'll remember things happening at completely different times than when they actually did, or remember things wrong in general. I realized how much work I have to do on a regular basis to combat my memory problems. And my memory issues aren't just chronological they are short term as well. I've been at a friend's birthday party and forgot which friend it was for, I'll go to band and forget my flute, go back home to get it, and then leave without it again! The worse that has ever happened I had to leave my room and go back 4 or 5 times before I finally left with what I needed! I won't remember things I say or do that people bring up to me.

Anyways talking about all of that was really disturbing for me, acknowledging how unreliable my memory is. I have to rely on journals or I could just entirely rewrite my past with fake memories. Maybe that's a little dramatic but it still scares me. How is everyone else's memories?? I feel like mine may also be due to my psychotic disorder though.

 

[HappyJock]

That was definitely an insightful read, thanks for sharing! What you wrote relates to me in many, many ways. Except for the part where you talked to your T. about it. I keep forgetting to talk to her about my memory loss/problems (the irony, right?). I can only give you my two cents and say that you're not alone and it may have something to do with PTSD and your other diagnosis. Everyone experiences things differently and may have different symptoms, however, it's really good that you brought it up with your T, so at least she knows.

My experience: I used to lack a lot of continuity. Back last year when my PTSD had just started, I lacked so much continuity, my T at the time, a student at a program, thought I was deceptive and a liar. It was completely embarrassing and dehumanizing, especially when all we want is to be believed! I would forget things that just happened, important details at work; and it's not like they'd stay gone -- I'd remember them -- then I'd forget again. At one point, it got so bad, paranoia kicked in and I didn't really recognize my own friend. It's as if I knew their face, but never recalled how we met. I knew some relationship was there, of course, but no memory. Nada. Until everything just came tumbling back. It's like a flickering light. You'll forget a little, then randomly remember, or you'll just forget a whole bunch of things, or you won't even recognize you forget anything and then a whole bunch of things set off as a 'reminder.' My memory became better after that, but it started to go bad last month.

Hope this gives you some perspective and allows you to realize you aren't alone.

PS: I know what you mean about the 'fake' memory too. Gets difficult to tell what's real and what's not. It's not a good feeling.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I have difficulties though not all of the above.

I will completely bury things in my memory BUT the really freaky part is that it isn't obvious that I've forgotten anything.

Lots from my childhood are like that. I really can't recall a lot of it.

I didn't really recognize my own friend. It's as if I knew their face, but never recalled how we met. I knew some relationship was there, of course, but no memory.'

I've had this with serious suicidal ideation. Recognition but no 'memories'. No emotion either. Then, something breaks through.

Until everything just came tumbling back. It's like a flickering light. You'll forget a little, then randomly remember, or you'll just forget a whole bunch of things, or you won't even recognize you forget anything and then a whole bunch of things set off as a 'reminder.'

I'm like that for most things. Yikes.

I find visual cues work terrific for me, and also routine, & tactile reminders.

I think a lot is constricted thinking. Maybe panic, too? Some memories seem (emotional)-state dependent too. Come to think of it, the worst of them I only see in a flashback. I always remember the flashback, but not all details of it/ within it. At first I do, & think "Oh ya!" & "I'll never forget (again)", but shortly after I do (unless I write it down).

But I can remember the most minute details of stuff some people tell me. But I can forget the bigger stuff. :eek: :(