Dom Violence Mental Abuse

[Meadowsweet]

Then I hope you will war this hat more often.

 

[Nicolette]

Sorry @Meadowsweet, what do you mean by the above comment?

 

[Meadowsweet]

When you feel an affinity with a specific group of people, it is common to believe that they are all exactly like you.

Something that is common in intimate partner abuse is for the abuser to cultivate an image of being good, helpful, the kind of nice guy that wouldn't hurt a flea, with a partner who seems grumpy, unsociable a bit of whinger probably. He isolates her by turning people off her and on to him.

People who are mentally ill are particularly vulnerable to this kind of abuse, because of the prejudices that society has of mental illness. Who's going to believe that person who is 'crazy' that their partner is abusing them? It is very naive to believe that people claiming the role of 'supporter' to someone with mental illness, is actually being supportive.

The comment is to bear in mind that you will have abusers as well as supporters on every forum, so as someone who understands abuse, it is never alright to demonstrate or encourage anger towards people with mental illness.

 

[Nicolette]

it is common to believe that they are all exactly like you.

I would believe there are similarities and characteristics which they have in common but not exactly like me. Each of us has our own journey and story to tell.

The comment is to bear in mind that you will have abusers as well as supporters on every forum

Am I right in assuming you a bringing an issue from another forum across to this one?

it is never alright to demonstrate or encourage anger towards people with mental illness.

I disagree....if someone upsets me or angers me and it's justifiable then I am well within my rights to be angry or cross with them. The difference is expressing anger and being abusive are two totally different things however I do appreciate they can be one in the same with abusive people.

Who's going to believe that person who is 'crazy' that their partner is abusing them?

For starters there is a difference between having a mental illness and being 'crazy' as I know 'crazy' people who have no mental diagnosis. Secondly, why wouldn't someone believe that a mentally ill person's partner is abusing them if they say so? To dismiss it without investigation would be negligent. Thirdly, I think you carry more stigma for mental illness than what I do as I get the impression you are often on the defensive even if there is no need to be so. I am sorry that your life experiences have impacted on you in such a way but aren't you generalising and making assumptions which you held me to task for? Or, are you generalising while trying to address another agenda? I'm not sure but I do know you've taken this thread on a tangent which is awfully closely related to the timing of one on another forum.

And finally, if this is really about the other forum, I did not

encourage

anyone. I'd reached my tolerance with people forgetting whose house they were in and said my peace.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Nicolette, I've offered some constructive criticism. I'm not going to argue about it. It's another way of looking at things if you want it - or it's an issue if you want to make it that.

I've explained and given you that explanation. I'm not here to be drawn into an argument. We share issues of domestic violence and the effects from that, whether that be here or on other forums.

I'm open with you, it's not me who is being defensive. It's you.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It's often quite quiet and subtle. It's the part of abuse where the perpetrator is the one acting like the victim because the you pushed him too far - he feels terrible for what he did because you pushed him too far. Or befriending people you know, being the charming, genuine person who no one would believe did those things - it's a way of isolating you mentally.

Something that is common in intimate partner abuse is for the abuser to cultivate an image of being good, helpful, the kind of nice guy that wouldn't hurt a flea, with a partner who seems grumpy, unsociable a bit of whinger probably. He isolates her by turning people off her and on to him.

Yes!. Mr Charm. No idea what else is going on in this post but I found a lot of the comments very helpful. These ones in particular. The charming, genuine person who no-one would believe did those things. It does isolate you. Not just mentally. You lose friends. And yes it really does your head in. Self doubt.

Anyway that's all I'm writing. Fed up of dealing with the consequences of Mr Charm. Not in very good place about any of it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you lizio, I'm glad it wasn't written for nothing.

 

[Wolvescry]

Wow! I have studied mental abuse, but it never really clicked. I have been comparing my irritable moods to my ex, and feeling horrible that I may be abusing my current bf. My therapist has told me not to compare myself to my ex and I never understood why she would say that. Because not often but sometimes I get so aggravated and may turn into a motor mouth and tell off my bf. I thought it makes me a bad person, I thought it made me my ex. I understand irritability is part of ptsd. Looking at our fights I understand the difference. I get upset sometimes but in the end we talk it out and we never put blame on each other and always except our parts in the fight. I never try to dominate him, I never would want to, I love him so much, I love working together with him and the way he thinks, even when he disagrees.

Your post really help me out all lot. I know it may not been your intention, but I feel freed from a load of guilt, and can now be more patient with myself. Thank you for sharing!

 

[shimmerz]

it's like it's planned

Yes, I agree with this but it could also be out of ignorance as sociopaths have no feelings for anyone besides themselves - so it is not in their realm to even consider that somone else is a human feeling person. They are not affected by abusers because they don't take ANYTHING that ANYONE says seriously. They live in their own little world. And watch out if you shake their world in any way! Then the above quote clicks in - and given the ridiculous lengths they will go to to get what they want nobody believes the victim because seriously 'who would do that'? Gaslighting, crazy making then clicks in and those of us who take things on ourselves and are prone to those that project - well - lights out. *heavy sigh*

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Wolvescry, there is work to be done by the sounds of it, I don't condone getting angry and ranting at others because of it. There is always a better way - or a way to find that you can go straight to talking without ranting at other people.

But no, mental abuse is not couples who've had an argument and said things they regret afterwards, and it's not people getting irritable or snappy because they're stressed.

Mental abuse is another thing altogether.

 

[didithappen]

I have experienced this to the point that I questioned my own sanity. :nb:

To me the worst part of mental abuse, which I despise, is projection where I'm told I have some issues or are behaving "such and such" yet it is really a direct reflection of them and their behaviour yet they are convinced it is my fault or failing and cannot see anything else. You can't even reason with this type of abuse as they have become judge, jury and executioner of their own behaviours they have placed upon you and 'convict' you for their actions. (Hope that makes sense).

This is exactly what my ex did, she projected that I was angry all the time (I wasn't) and that I had multiple personality. Yet it was her that switched like jeckle and hyde all the time. She could turn so quickly and so deviously.

Each time I tried to talk about it - "You are over reacting, you are over sensitive"

She wore me down so much I started to doubt my inner core, everything. Conversations and previous days were never recalled by her how they happened, and she convinced me it was me that could not remember.

It wasnt until I stepped up and asked for a divorce, she panicked and ran with our son. She sees everything in life as a test, and you have to pass, failure is not an option. That includes divorce, she sees it as she failed, so I have to shoulder the blame for our marriage falling apart, and the lies she has told her family are terrible.

 

[Teasel]

For me he was frightening and unpredictable when he was drunk. When I would try and talk about it the next day he would tell me i was a nasty bitch, making stuff up to make him feel bad. The next few days he would gaslight. He convinced all my "friends" that he loved me so much and I was being a mental case. He humiliated me as often as possible. And always always denied all knowledge.