Might Have Just Remembered More. (new Memories Of Trauma, You've Been Warned)

[Crimson]

When I was hurt I forgot it for a very long time and remembered a couple of years ago.

I am a semi-functional working alcoholic with a crumbling relationship (I've really contemplated killing myself instead of hurting her more, the really fun part is that my suicide would rip her to pieces because I finally tricked her into loving me), suicidal thoughts, self harming tendencies (including not eating all day and cutting), violent tendencies (when younger breaking my fist on a wall because I was dared to punch it, more current scarring doors with my fists, breaking doors with my head, fist), the daily desire to scream randomly and I really think I just remembered more about what happened to me.

So I'm kind of out of my gourd right now.

I remember NOT getting in a car with those who hurt me, 7 blocks down that same street as the high school of the town. Now I realize that is a false memory, big time, when my partner asked me basic questions about why I didn't get into that car I lost my mind and thus something is up. Also I remembered more then too.

In an unrelated matter I remember when I was young wandering in desperation around that high school looking for a bathroom. I tried to open every door I could find, pounded on windows and tears were running down my face the entire time. And I really really needed to find a bathroom.

Then I remember crapping my pants, waiting around and getting on a bus home filled with horror, shame, and pain, the entire time. Ostensibly that shame was about me crapping my pants.

Looking back, I wasn't allowed home (in the country far away from other folk) alone until I was eleven and demonstrated skills (locking the door, calling help, all that fun stuff) that my parents wanted me to have. The place I remember the bus being, that side of the building, no one being around at all....there is no way that is real. The same way there is no way that my memories are real about NOT getting in that car with a friend that couldn't have existed.

I am really losing my mind right now.

I'm trying to process all of this, and like the memory of the red car I've always remembered a version of this. It's just that when I put it all together, I'm left......wounded and dumbfounded.

Please read my introduction post if this makes no dang sense to you.

That was a new poison I had to get out, it caught me unawares and I'm trying really hard to abstain from drinking half a bottle of vodka straight and/or cut.

Thank you for your time.

 

[chant2012]

I am short on words at the moment and I apologize for this... Just know that I hear you and care. Blessings and support! ♥

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Crimson. Those who violated and tortured you deserve to rot. There are incredibly sick and evil people in this world. To torture and violate anyone is despicable. The damage done takes a lifetime to process.
Peace and Love and Healing to You.

 

[wolfkitty]

For years I thought I was insane. I had a memory that no one else had. My mother didn't have it, my sister didn't have it. I sometimes wondered if I made it all up. However, my feelings were so strong about it so I knew it was real. Then my sister started getting treatment several years ago and she came to me terrified. The memory had finally started to surface in her and she was afraid that she was crazy. When she told me I felt such relief..the memory was REAL. Not all the details I had were the same as hers but close enough that I knew it really happened.

When she first started to remember it came out sort of like a dream, sensations and emotions. It took a couple of years before the memory came back in full.

All the while her therapist kept reminding her that a memory no matter how strong...CAN NOT HURT YOU. Oh it can bring up horrible emotions, thoughts and feelings but it is over with now you are safe.

Your memory is trying to come back to you. It wouldn't have chosen now if on some level you weren't ready for it. The memory is coming so that you can heal. I believe in you!! I know you are strong enough to let it come through.

I may not know who you are or what the rest of your story is but the fact that you wrote about it here gives testimony to how brave you are and how strong you really are!!

I send peace and love to you tonight!