Relationship Military boyfiend has ptsd and i dont know how to react

[Sweetpea76]

If this is how he is treating you after only a few months of dating, how do you think he will treat you after the honeymoon phase is over? Usually the beginning of a relationship people are on their best behavior and most affectionate.

 

[WTF Happened]

Cath, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's clear by the way you are making an effort to understand this man that you have a big heart. If he is already acting this way so early into the relationship, I do personally think it stands to reason that it won't get better as time goes along. The early days, the honeymoon stage, is when things are supposed to be at their best, in fact. PTSD only complicates things. At just two months in, you should certainly consider if this is what you want/need in a relationship. Of course you should make your own choices and follow your heart, but know what you are signing up for.

I could love someone who was schizophrenic. And that person could burn down my house. And the reason they burned down my house is probably related to the fact that they're schizophrenic. But they still burned down my f*cking house. I could love someone who has schizophrenia, but I can also draw the line at putting up with someone who burns down houses, because although schizophrenia and arson may be interrelated in this case, I can't continue to be in a relationship with an arsonist. Even if it's "just the schizophrenia" at work. My house is still ash. I'm not down with that.

Simon, this was a home run. That really clarifies the "it doesn't matter if it's PTSD or not" argument.

I think the reason why it does matter so much to supporters and ex-supporters is not so much for an understanding of the relationship itself, but for an understanding of ourselves. Our judge of character, our intuition. Whether or not we can trust our hearts. Did I fall in love with a good person who is sick and can't help their behavior? Or did I get tricked by an evil person who just happens to also have PTSD?

Yes, the result is the same. The house is burned down. But knowing what was at the root of those actions can inform how I move forward and how I think of relationships and even in the world going forward.

I think it also helps with forgiveness. If someone burned down the house because trauma has rewired their brain and they couldn't really feel what they were doing, it's much easier for me to access compassion for that person than if they were just an arsonist with no regard for my property or feelings, no sense of right or wrong.

When you're run over by a car, it doesn't really matter if it was a drunk driver, someone you knew out to get you, etc. - you're going to be bleeding on the pavement either way. But whether it's during or after recovery, you're still going to feel that burning need to know what hit you.

 

[Sighs]

@Cath - get away from this man. If he is aggressive and angry so early in the relationship he may well become dangerous later.

 

[Cath]

I am reading and thinking of you guys messages seriously. I still dont know how to react towards his message though.

He was mad, aggressive and pushing me away that way last night then ive got a message from him just little ago that he is sitting out for lunch like as nothing happened. is it silly if i still wonder if his behavior would get better?

I still need to know what PTSD could cause in the sufferers/supporters as i do not understand it fully and i am very new in this forum.

Still very confused.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The PTSD Stress Cup model is good explanation of stress reactions @Cath.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Cath]

Thank you so much @Sweetpea76! It is very helpful theory to understand it!

As for other guys here who support me, i really appreciate you guys took your time and left messages for me. It made me to feel im not alone and it gave me different views i couldnt really see and have.

I have better feeling this morning when i checked your messages when i was very confused what happened to me last night. :)

 

[Deanna]

In this particular case, being distracted is one thing, not paying any attention to the person you're with is another. Apparently not realizing you SHOULD pay attention to the person you're with? Might be a deal breaker. Because that's not PTSD, it's being a jerk.

That's what some PTSD people do is get you distracted by putting all the attention on them. Listen.. I'm classified as C-PTSD ( not that it matters) I was swept up ( the same way) into how this guy was so interesting-- he was poet that had published some poems. ( which is a great thing but he made it out like he had all the inner peace that no one else had, he knew how to smile that way.. then it turned in to, he was 5 years younger then me and I should be so f'ing grateful) this guy had me on a ride for about a year. I didn't get it either.. it was a ploy. It as never about my day, it was about what he did and that I couldn't live without him. I gave him some money to work on his car and then we were going to a different state for a get-away, for about a week, and I paid for the AB&B.. my brother had a place about 45 minutes away ( nice house, nicer than mine, he makes good money) and' "oh, he didn't want to meet my brother, he just wanted me to leave for a day and go see him"..He wanted no part of it

My brother is pretty important to me and I told him to F'off. plain and simple.. I did a lot for that guy and he's an a*s.

I'm just writing this because I'm PTSD and this was just bl's"it. No one feels sorry for me because i'm PTSD.. I am medicated and the guy I was with refused it. He's f'ing crazy.. I guess it was a lesson for me to learn and like the OP, I got sucked up in to this.. and he was telling me stuf like "you look nice today now that you're wearing big girl jeans".. He was a piece of sh*t.. I certanly never dated one of those.

Good Luck to Cath..but I can tell everyone on this forum that I'm not that kind of PTSD. That is beyond being a jerk. So Cath- what you need to be concentrating on, is where your attention is at, with this guy..If the attention is off you and constantly on him.. you better run.

The whole thing is a waste of time. I don't need anyone that f'ingl bad. ( this is not a rant but I went through the same thing, so I'm telling my last YEARS story, to help the OP)) I think there is different levels of PTSD or something. I know that my medication is a God-Send. Sometimes certain things ( happenings) will send off a knee-jerk reaction but it's just stupid stuff. ( something in my way, like an empty box, if I'm tripping over the darn thing) stuff like that. BTW_ this guy is classified as PTSD and someting else that's so bad ( worse than anyone elses) :hungover:

This guy even had me write a letter about how great he was as a poet, and now he gets that nomination ( because of me) because no one else claimed it in the state and he found it online. He was the only applicant.. in my state from a letter by me, thaat he worded ., about himself.. Oh gosh.. makes me sick every time I see what he was nominated for on his portfolio by a stupid letter from me that he had me write. It says HE WAS NOMINATED FOR THIS____ ! ( Like he is beyond a GENIUS) He's such a sack of worthless sh't. But I'mi n a better place and obviously had to learn the lesson)

Now he's on craigslist, with this add asking for women to go to the place where I paid for the AB&B. ( men seeking women) I also paid for his air conditoner in his car to work.. I mean run girl,, but I have a feeling that you are going to let this guy run the show for awhile. it's no fun.

It's just a waste of time, but good luck. You'll never be in the spotlight.. My guy was a con with some type of artistic flare? that kept me fasicnated ( or well spoken) . But when it came to my brother, that was it. I could have knocked him-out at that point so I'm glad he wasn't around ( love my family). I'm glad my brother never met him..

He even uses his church ( UU) for cheap networking and even a member. He doesn't care about the church.. he's using the church to get to his functions ( open mics in different states0 It jus goes on and on..

Oh well.. I did do one thing in his life, that he will never forget, that was a major direction, that worked in his favor ( i was suppose to be in his life for that reason and no other reason) and he knew where it came from, but simply refused to acknowledge it.

 

[Cath]

That's what some PTSD people do is get you distracted by putting all the attention on them.

So do you mean he keep giving attentions or comments on other people around us to pull the attention on him when we were out on date?

He told me he likes to watch people in general and he likes to see/read their behaviors. However, i dont think its appropriate things to do it when he is on a date with me. And i was told he loves to help people out when even strangers are in danger or accidents even in certain situation and i have seen he gave big smiles and being very nice to others in public like restaurants and etc. however, he just gave me a scary eyes contact if he feels i do not respect him and get aggressive towards me who he loves as he said.

Its very hard to understand his behavior like he being super kind and nice to strangers but being aggressive to his loved one so easily. Is this making sense?

 

[Deanna]

Is this making sense?

Yes it does but it's complicated( because I don't want to judge him). but just know the focus should be on you at a restaurant and not on every other thing that is moving, talking,walking, what someone else wears, what they don't wear, what color another persons hair is.. blah.. blah. Maybe he's super sensitive about making conversation with you and using this distractiion as a way to A) avoid intimacy and share his feelings with about you and about your relationship, and giving you the attention that's necessary-- because you do deserve i ( especially the first couple of months- I mean, get real)The other people there are just a distraction from you and YOU need that. (it's impotant and it really has nothing to do with PTSD) and if he doesn't deliver.. then you need to figure that out, because it won't change because some of it is PTSD ( hypersensitivity is very common and I have it but it shouldn't be the primary focus all the time) There is nothing that important. You should be the important one... So, you need to figure out if you want this all the time when you go out on a date, or tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop.. then move on. Ask him a question.. and if he can't look you in the eye or take you seriously, then he never will. ( I hate to say never because some people with PTSD are like this and others are not) My meds really hep me to cope and I have full interest in poeple, and others either have a full interest or not ( and that has nothing to do with PTSD)

Sorry, if that doesn't make semse. Some/Most of this is really listening to your instincts. Listen to them. If he can't communicte with you, or take you seriously.. and there is never any time talk aout it-- then you need to really look at that. You need to ask him for some serious ttime for number one..and quit getting sucked into his side show of different people in the restaurant

 

[dulcia]

I'm in a relationship with a combat vet who has PTSD. He is also sometimes an asshole. He's in therapy and I'm in therapy. There have been a lot of ups and downs, and I have put up with things I never said I would before either because I love him or because I'm letting his PTSD be an excuse -- or both. We've been together a few years now and that may be the most commitment I ever get from him. Our relationship could end tomorrow, it could end next week, it could end next year. There is no promise of "forever" in my relationship because sometimes we can only take things day by day.

Regardless of your guy's PTSD, regardless of him maybe being an asshole....you guys just don't seem to mesh. Being a supporter takes a lot of compromise, letting things go, and having to be the calm one even when you're ready to explode with frustration. It also involves being super comfortable with giving space and, sometimes, without promises of "forever". Is that the kind of future you want to have? It's important to not only think of what your relationship could be right now, but what it might be in 3, 5, or 10 years down the road...especially considering the first few months are typically the smoothest (or the honeymoon phase, as @Sweetpea76 said). And he might never change, no matter what you do or no matter how long you try. Would you be okay if he still acted this way after a year? Things to think about.

 

[ParalyzedMind]

He is nowhere close to a relationship at this stage is my opinion. He needs to heal to be able to stand on his own before he starts dating someone and being able to give something back.

I would honestly have this conversation or find a way to detach. This is not what you deserve and he will not get better either if he can simply throw every frustration at you.

The longer you stay, the higher is the risk that you become codependent here. Love is blind and that is fine if you both start off from same basis, but NOT otherwise.

 

[LuckiLee]

Take the PTSD out of the picture and you just have a jerk. Add the PTSD and you have a jerk with PTSD. He doesn't deserve you. He needs to work on himself right now.

I'd leave him alone. Go find someone NICE!!