Miminizing

[Melody coates]

ok so how many of you get mad when someone tries to minimize your trauma? I'm pretty we all recognize these phrases. "I've had way worse!" "get over it!" "its in the past!". instead of being supportive some people just like to one up you. they try to make you feel bad about venting about your past or trauma. that what you went through is "no big deal" and that you should "stop complaining". I for one, am against this! yes there will ALWAYS be someone who had it worse. but everyone experiences their own hell. what one person can shake off another one can't. trauma is trauma. anyway that is my little two cents. I hope everyone has a good day! :)

 

[Bickslow]

I stick with the mentality that everyone is dealing with and experiencing their own reality. It's exceptionally hard to truly see events from anothers' perspective, especially going from a non-sufferer to a sufferer. It's hard not to be angry when it happens, and I'm entirely guilty of snapping at people, but they honestly have no way to relate on some occasions.

Kind of an ignorance is bliss moment I suppose...it's frustrating, and no excuse for them, as a whole people should be more understanding and caring, but helps to keep in mind.

 

[arfie]

I used to get mad about it, but am grateful I have learned how to channel my energies for more constructive purposes. I like to pick my battles small enough to win and big enough to matter. More and more I believe this one does not qualify by either criteria. It is neither small enough to win, nor big enough to matter. Just my personal belief...

I gain allot more by letting that particular ball drop and finding real help with the productive healing. Places like here, where pain is pain, regardless of its "size." It exists to let us know something is wrong. Let us fix it.

Gentle validation, Melody. I agree, that it is destructive, but I think we will get politicians to give up their boom toys (military weapons) before we get humanity to give up minimizing. In my personal experience, getting mad only eats holes in my gut.

 

[Kefira]

I still find this difficult to deal with. I typically run into the well intentioned "it was so long ago, why can't you move on". Even for some of my more recent trauma that was only a year or two ago. It really gets to me and I've isolated from several friend groups who just couldn't understand.

I honestly hate the reverse more. The "well, I haven't gone through anything as bad as you, but" that I get sometimes when speaking with people who know my history. Trauma is trauma. And not everyone reacts to different 'levels' of trauma. I'm a multiple incident survivor and my first trauma was brutal and long term. That doesn't mean my friend who was date raped should play into the societal minimization of her trauma by automatically assuming I will belittle her and doing it herself.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I would have to ask who you are looking for support from. Are your friends and/or therapist saying this to you? If that's the case, then maybe you need seperate ties with them.

However, if you are constantly sharing your trauma to people who are not involved in your life, then I can see that happening. For example, a co-worker or an acquaintance. These are not people you can trust, so sharing with them might not be a good idea.

Also, step back and ask yourself does this person (that I'm invested in) ever get a chance to share their feelings or do you make it all about you when you are with them.

I am not judging, I'm just wondering if you are sharing your pain and emotions with the right people. If you are, maybe they are not really the right people to begin with.

 

[Melody coates]

@Ghostybear73 it'd be other family members that say "get over it". one in particular went through it herself and still says it. and someone who I thought was a friend tried to one up me with her sexual abuse story. sexual abuse is sick and glad I never had to endure it as a child. but like I said, trauma is trauma. especially when it comes to abuse. in my opinion, no type of abuse is worse than the other. someone who was neglected can be just as traumatized as someone who was molested/raped.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Yeah, that's hard especially when you considered them a friend, so hopefully they are not your friend anymore. That's a very common problem and one of the reasons I don't trust or talk to people about my trauma. People don't understand and I have found that people are very selfish and will try to top you so they get the attention/sympathy.

I don't talk to my family, but if I did and they told me to "get over it", I would state my position, tell them how I felt and their empathetic nature, or lack thereof. And that would be the last time I talked to them about it.

On the bright side, you have this site and there are a lot of people here who understand and listen.

:)

 

[digger]

one in particular went through it herself and still says it.

That could be that she needs to minimise her own experience in order to cope with it. Just a thought. I only really talk with my therapist and on this forum so I don't come up against it much from others now, but I have, and do, frequently minimise my own experience...
My experiences were minimised by others while they were happening.

I think be careful who you share with is maybe the way to go. Family is difficult because validating your experience often means they have to face up to their part in it. A lot of people can't or won't be able to do that.
To stay in their own denial, they have to deny you too.

As for anyone doing the 'my abuse was worse than yours' bullshit. You deserve better than that. Walk away.

 

[whserenitynluv]

It is very upsetting @Melody coates . Here is the only place besides my therapist that I talk to about it. Because of the shake off effect, I have nobody to talk to besides here and the therapist. The last time I tried to talk to someone I thought I trusted, she made fun of me to my face and I said I deserved it. Someone I was vested in. No trauma is more than the other indeed . It hurts when someone says to "shake it off" ... I cannot tell you what to do for your decisions, but have you expressed your feelings about this to your friend?

 

[jmni]

(To begin with I have had several women and men actually one-up me with sexual assault stories.)

That is a strange thing to say and do. Anyone who does this is really all talk. I would not believe what they said because they are liars. I mean what would compel a person who claims to be a victim to tell someone else they're not as much as a victim. That's twisted. My story is wose than your's: yea right. When it happened to me, my response was to feel alone and threatened. But I didn't pity them and anyone who would say that doesn't deserve pity. They deserve contempt. They're the ones that are acting predatorial. And it's not really that hard to question them. It's not as if they couldn't be lying. Invalidating sexual assault or any kind of criminal act perpertrated to hurt people, is a form of assault and victim tampering and typically only done by sex offenders.

The woman who said this to me, used the example that some guy walked in on her in the bathroom. I can't remember what I said to her, but invalidating a sexual assault is a form of victim tampering and clearly only something a sex offender would do. She claimed to be 32 but looked 45. She dressed like a goth and asserted to be a "rocker" and this was only several years ago and I don't even know what era she was referencing but I was born in the early 80s so it had to be well before my time.

You can't open up to anyone about your painful experiences. You really have to be a brick wall in these situations. I genuinely hope anyone who would say invalidate someone else for being sexually assaulted gets gang-raped to death.

 

[ghotiff]

Personally I'm too fragile around topics of my abuse. So while many people in my life know that it happened (but no details), I only discuss it here and with my T.

Sometimes it helps me (when I find myself wanting to talk to someone) to ask myself what I want them to say. If I don't know, then how are they meant to know what to say. If I do know, then it is always that I need to say it to myself.

 

[Friday]

Ahem. Mmmm... So.... Probably best not to try this at home, kids.

I periodically reach out and slap someone doing this. :D By their own arguments, the slap was in the past, should no longer hurt, and they should be over it by now. What's a slap? Nothing. Slap doesn't phase me. Why are they upset? Oh. Wait. Things from the past can still hurt us in the present? People have different pain thresholds? Go figure! I'd never have realized that! :rolleyes: :whistling::O_o:

Most of the time I just ignore them. The whole 'arguing with stupid people' is a waste of my time, thing. Sigh. Even with great show&tell examples. So I just tilt my head, run the scenario, chuckle, and walk away.