Childhood Mind games

[dnp]

I hope it's okay to post this in this section. I wasn't sure where to post it.

I would like to know how other people view mind games. This kind of thing happened a lot during my childhood. It's definitely not physical abuse. But I feel like it screwed up my nervous system from being in so much fear all the time. Is there such a thing as psychological abuse? Or am I just a loser/moron/coward?

One of the things that hurts me is a memory I have from when I was around twelve. I made a joke in front of my parents that I shouldn't have, but no one else heard it, so I didn't think what I did was that bad. But they did. They said they were going to take me home, take off my shirt and flog me with a whip. They didn't say what kind but I assumed a bullwhip. (I'm American so this isn't really normal discipline here).

They knew that I had a fear of whips because when I was younger we were watching a movie where someone was whipped (bloody, screaming, etc.) and I stupidly confided that I was afraid. I was too young at the time to realize how weird and creepy her response was.

It was like the Poltergeist movie "It knows what scares you." They knew what I feared most so that was my punishment.

So when we got home I ran in my room, locked the door, and moved my bench in front in case the lock failed. I stayed in there for a long time, no water, no toilet. I guess I was a coward. I was a wimpy twelve year old girl and didn't think I could take it. I had the fear of a trapped animal.

Later when they were away I searched the closet for the whip and didn't find anything. So I guess it was just a bluff. But I wasn't sure. I didn't know if it was somewhere else.

I had many, many days like that barricaded inside my room being terrified of what was outside it. Now, I would say that being in a locked room is a trigger for me.

But the weird thing was that I never got whipped or stabbed. Instead the stress from all the death threats and such ate away at my body. I almost had to leave high school from being sick (vomiting, abdominal cramps, etc.) High school was easy for me though (as an adult I qualified to Mensa).

What do other people think? It's okay if you think I'm an idiot. It won't bother me if you say it. But if you think I'm an idiot, please explain why. I honestly have no idea how other twelve year olds would have reacted or what their families were like.

 

[mamachick]

The threat, real or imagined has the same effect. It is abuse that any parent would make such threats. I am guessing that this is not the only fear that you had.

Mind games are the worst. When people tell you that what you heard-you didnt, what you saw-you didnt and that sort of thing makes for confusion and sets us up to not trust ourselves. It is crazy making.

You were not wimpy, you were abused. You are not an idiot at all. How could anyone trust adults who say such things. That is horrible. I am sorry for what you have gone through.

 

[franciemarnie]

Did you ever see The Shining? Or Poltergeist is a good one. You never knew what was going to happen, what was behind the next corner. That's terrifying. They can't make those movies too long because the tension for an audience member would become unbearable.

So then say a person lives in fear like that for their childhood like you.

That would be terrible! Traumatizing to say the least.

And I certainly identify. The Shining was my childhood in a lot of ways minus the hotel and paranormal. Terror around the corner, but which one? When? No sense of safety ever.

You are not remotely anything related to pejoratives like idiot, etc. I too am sorry for what you went through. I am glad you are here.

 

[amcen]

Hello dnp,

To me, what you described that you lived during your childhood was mental/emotional abuse with no doubt at all, and that can lead to C-PTSD like any other repeated traumas during months or years. According to me you are perfectly sane to feel how you feel.

I would even say that you are at least at the start of your healing process now!

I am sure that several books can describe and explain what you are going through and how to help yourself to heal, but I have one in mind that helped me a lot last year: "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. You can google it, that writer/psychotherapist has also a nice website (only my opinion of course).

I wish you the so very best and sending you feelings of kindness.


P.S. I hope it is allowed on this forum to give the title of a book that we liked. If not please forgive me and just erase the name, thank you.

 

[dnp]

Thank you everyone, you are so kind. I think the reason the mind games started was because back when they hit a lot, the effect on my development was very noticeable and couldn't be hidden. I'm just guessing though. As far as the death threats, I am sure they were sincere and not just mind games, but they weren't carried out.

Maybe that's why I dislike thriller type or horror movies. I never thought about it before. I really like the Pete Walker website.