Relationship Miscommunication

[IvyMillie]

I've been married for 25 years and my husband has at times been in treatment. He is sometimes willing to talk about his PTSD, but I don't push it too much.

It seems like we are increasingly having problems with communication. We will talk about something and I will misunderstand him. Later he will assert that I got it all wrong "he did say such and such." Honestly, I don't remember at all. I'm not the brightest person so at first I thought it was me, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

Part of what is hard is that he is changeable. One day this will be important to him, another day it will be something else. Also, he is very non-communicative so you can't read his expression. He doesn't elaborate on anything. He also often doesn't like talking on the phone. Additionally, he sometimes will say he told me something and he never did. (there are some things us girls do remember)

This latest miscommunication was that a neighbor wanted to put up a fence and attach it to our fence. At the time he told me to handle it. I asked him if he would handle it, and he said no. I really wanted him to handle it so I was disappointed. The neighbor called a few weeks later and I told her it was okay to put up the fence. Then later I told my husband and he was mad because he said he wanted to talk to her. (it worked out all right because I had him call her). I should have remember that he said he wanted to talk to her. ugh

It's getting to the point of complete frustration for me. Does anyone else have this happen? It has happened over the years but seems to be getting worse.

 

[rascal]

I'm not married, but I am diagnosed with PTSD, and maybe I can at the very least give you a glimpse into your husband's mindset, because his behavior reminds me of my own when I'm extremely stressed out.

In my case, my trauma revolves around power dynamics and feeling powerless in situations where the reality I am experiencing is being undermined by my abusers who basically convinced me (in my powerless state) that my perceptions were not accurate. Therefore, a lot of my disputes with those close to me revolve around my perception of reality vs. theirs, having control in situations, and feeling powerful. It's taken a lot of work in therapy, and a huge amount of patience from my family, but now I'm able to see it for what it is.

The most important thing for my recovery (and continues to be so) is to feel like I can express my sense of personal power in situations that frustrate me, and that I can express my point of view without it being shot down and completely nullified (it's important that I am heard, not necessarily agreed with, but HEARD). Now, there's definitely been a lot of turbulence to find balance with this. For instance, I started out WAAAAAAY over the top, blowing up at people and raging out, indulging in my paranoia and asserting my delusions. But over time, when people stopped reacting to me and I was forced to face my own disproportionate behavior, I found a good middle ground and am now able to challenge my own perceptions without too much trouble ;) Big kudos to my therapist though for getting me this far, I can't stress how important therapy has been for me.

Perhaps that gives you a window into the mind of your husband. He's out of control within himself and he's trying to grab onto whatever he can to find balance. I'm sure a bit of that male pride and ego (I got it, for sure) is standing in the way of him fully admitting this. It's easier to try to control the world around you than to find out why you are out of control within yourself. But it never works!

I hope you both find peace and I'm sending those good vibes from where I sit!

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD sometimes plays hell with short term memory. Could it be possible he really is forgetting.

My vet does stuff like this all the time... Granted he has TBIs on top of the PTSD.