Missing Memory

[Purple_6]

I have spent so much time trying to recall my childhood. It seems like 95% of all memories are gone from when I was born till about 12 years old. I know my childhood was less than normal, and still have trouble fully admitting I was abused, but I do have this quick glimpse flashes almost like a picture that remind me I was.

I am tired of feeling like I need to strain my brain and try to remember more. I hate how much is missing... how many questions I have.

So I guess my questions to you all is, does anyone else have this issue? Has anyone found a way to remember all or at least some of the missing parts? If I cant remember how do I get myself to stop trying to?

 

[Bristol]

I dont remember anything until i was 12, complete blank even when looking at photos. I have enough memories of the bad stuff to know it happened and how long for etc i find i can trigger off memories of the bad but not of the good im trying to come to terms with it, so sorry i cant be more positive but you arnt alone

 

[Tim Hilke]

I have the same issues. My childhood is like watching an old stop frame movie that cut into pieces and stitched out of order. I don't remember much before 18. Today due to 5 tbi's I have serious short term memory issued

 

[Purple_6]

I have the same issues. My childhood is like watching an old stop frame movie that cut into pieces a...

Huh stop frame movie...never thought of it like that but that is a good way of putting it, thanks

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Absolutely. PTSD suppresses memories. It blocks out trauma. You're not alone when it comes to that.

 

[Purple_6]

Absolutely. PTSD suppresses memories. It blocks out trauma. You're not alone when it comes to tha...

Thank you, it is so frustrating that I am trying to work on improving myself but it is like how can you work on something or move on from something if you cant (or hardly) remember it? Then that causes me to question myself and the abuse that I can vaguely remember

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

I know what thats like all too well. I have what I call "Blacked out memories" Parts of my memory just aren't there. I remember some but not all. What I'm trying to say is, its not your fault. Memories can be blocked by ptsd and no matter how hard we try we just can't get them back. Sometimes though its better this way. Its your brains way of trying to get you to move forward. To let go. It's hard I know, trust me but it's better this way. We sometimes focus too hard on the past and it stops us from moving forward and letting go cause deep down you always end up asking yourself "Why can't I remember?" "Am I missing something important?" The answer can go both ways but when it comes down to it its best to just let it go and move on. I learned that the hard way and am now moving forward myself. I hope you are able to do the same.

 

[Spiderweb]

I have missing memories too, and weird little pieces of memories that I don't understand and don't make sense. The same little chunks flash over and over at times but nothing connects up in to clear time line.

It's very frustrating. I've longed to be able to make sense of it more. Sometimes I doubt the bits I remember and other times the pieces seem realer and I know they are true...

What's helped me is to stop worrying so much about the memory gaps and the weird dreamlike pieces of memory that twist together, and to focus on my symptoms instead.

Dissociation, flashbacks, trust issues, shaking in terror at certain triggers etc...this is my body's way of telling me I don't actually need to remember all the specifics, I don't need to doubt myself - because I have all the validation and proof I need in my body.

I am very traumatised, my body shows me this. Not sure if this is in any way useful but it helped me let go of the need to access more memories. I was getting sucked in to the vortex of wanting and "needing" to know more and getting very frustrated.

For a while I felt so obsessed trying to understand exactly everything that has happened to me.

It helped to realise maybe I don't need to know it all because my symptoms already show me it was really very terrible. Maybe the rest is not in my recall because it would be too much for me to handle...maybe that's a good thing I don't remember it all...

Anyway. Sending positive thoughts your way, this can be so hard to deal with but you are not alone. There are lots of us who can't remember properly as hard as it is to deal with...

 

[Purple_6]

I have missing memories too, and weird little pieces of memories that I don't understand and don't make sense. The s...

I know what thats like all too well. I have what I call "Blacked out memories" Parts of my memory...

Thank you both! these were both helpful responses. I found a lot of comfort in : "I don't need to doubt myself - because I have all the validation and proof I need in my body." that really resonated and stuck with me :)

It was also very helpful to read : " Sometimes though its better this way. Its your brains way of trying to get you to move forward. To let go. It's hard I know, trust me but it's better this way." This helped because I realize that I am not focusing on anything that is actually going to help me in the NOW.

I appreciate you both responding :)

 

[Purple_6]

I have missing memories too, and weird little pieces of memories that I don't understand and don't make sense. The s...

I really never thought about it this way! I love that I can finally trust my gut because why else would my body respond in certain ways. Thank you

 

[ladee]

I too have only snapsots.I come to realize I couldn't make up what my body was telling me. In many ways I am grateful to not have the pictures driving me INSANE.
It has helped me to move forward knowing I was wasting time trying to remember what is not there.
Very glad you shared this as so many doubt themselves.
I wish it wasn't so for ANY of us.
But we are not alone.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have spent so much time trying to recall my childhood. It seems like 95% of all memories are gone fro...

Our brains seal off such memories to protect ourselves from the pain it causes. It takes specific interventions to reach such memories because they are not lost forever, they are just tucked away somewhere in the corner of your brain.

Warning, if you have therapy and are attempting to get at such memories prepare yourself for one of the most hurtful periods of your life. Because any abuse that is connected to a time where you were totally innocent, helpless and often had to rely on an abusive family member for your survival will tear you apart emotionally. It is complete horror to work through childhood abuse.