Mixed Feelings About A Former Co-worker's Death

[RussH]

I learned yesterday that a former co-worker, at my previous job, died last week, and my feeling are mixed.

He was a bully, and as such, caused me some problems at work. At best I tolerated him, and at worst hoped his medical problems would make him quit, or worse.

Now he has died, and honestly, I don't care. However, on the other hand I should care, I should be sympathetic, but I am not.

I also struggle with the idea of whether or not I should show up for the wake; part of me says yes, but another part says no. I am afraid of how seeing my former co-workers will affect me. I am truly afraid that it could cause a major trigger seeing them, and that terrifies me.

So should I face my fears and refuse to give into avoidance?, Or should I give into the avoidance and stay away.

I know that no one can answer the question for me, but posting here, at least, gives me voice to the question.
Thanks for reading this.

 

[Recovery4Me]

When I have had that happen, I sent flowers to the funeral home in order to comfort those who attended and did prayers at home for my x-boss that passed. For me, it stopped the guilt and did connect to my HP in sincerity.

 

[Kintsugi]

However, on the other hand I should care, I should be sympathetic, but I am not.

Who/what is telling you how you should feel? Where is this "should"-ness coming from?

 

[desiderata310]

Funerals/wakes/etc are for those left behind who want to pay tribute and say their goodbyes to the decease
You're under no obligation to attend a wake for someone who treated you poorly.

If you want to pray for him and light a candle fine but this sounds like an unnecessary stressor.
Take care of the living. Specifically: you. Let the dead be; there's nothing more to be done for them.

It's not about avoiding something it's about taking care of you.

 

[Friday]

Why should you care?

Millions of people die every day in fact, according to the CDC...

• Number of deaths: 2,596,993
• Death rate: 821.5 deaths per 100,000 population
• Life expectancy: 78.8 years
• Infant Mortality rate: 5.96 deaths per 1,000 live births

That you happen to know 1 of the 2.59 million people who died on some random Thursday? And he was a jerk? How does that in any way obligate you to grieve for him? Or feel anything more for him than you do the other 20 million people who have died in the past week?

ETA... If you care at all for the people who DID love him, however, I would feel obligated to stay away. Even for people I loathe, their families have done me no wrong. I save both dancing and pissing on their graves until after the festivities have passed. I have no cause to do them an injury, after all.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@FridayJones ...in seriousness I had a Irish friend that made me promise to drink the finest Irish Whiskey and piss on his grave afterwards, so that we might share one last drink together.

So, different strokes for different folks...just thought I share. As well I was lucky and never got caught btw at his grave-site in order to honor that promise...but it was very, very close.

 

[illusionist]

I have a very simple rule regarding funerals......I only attend when I had respect for them when they were alive......so I go to pay my last respects.....that's what a funeral means to me.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So should I face my fears and refuse to give into avoidance?, Or should I give into the avoidance and stay away.

I don't think avoidance is the question. If this person was a bully to you and caused you problems, you have no obligations to go. You don't work there any more so you really don't have obligations like it's expected of you to go there. You can say a prayer for those who did love this person that they may be comforted, but I don't think you need to go. And I don't think it's avoidance and I don't think going is facing your fears.

I think I would have some questions about whether I should go or not if I were in your shoes, but since I am not, I can say- why put yourself through that? I view wakes as a place to honor someone you felt close to or as a place to go to let the family know you empathize. In this case, I don't think either fits. I don't think it's weak to not go, it's simply the choice that seems to make sense.

 

[scout86]

I don't see "not going" as avoidance. "Going" strikes me as possibly some kind of way of punishing yourself. I'm not saying it IS, I just can't see any reason you would feel obligated to attend the funeral/wake of someone you didn't like, much less someone who was cruel to you.

 

[RussH]

Where is this "should"-ness coming from?

Simon i guess because of my past I refuse to not care about others, and I have placed this expectation to care, regardless of who that person is.
So I should care that he has passed away, and I should care that he did not have a real good life; which is partially why he acted the way he did.
However I will not miss him.

My avoidance isn't directly related to him, but my other co-workers that may be there. I am just afraid of how it will affect me seeing them

Why would I go? I would go to support his family; to pay my respects to them, and not necessarily to him.

 

[scout86]

I would go to support his family; to pay my respects to them, and not necessarily to him.

Do you go to a lot of funerals?

You can care about others without necessarily making yourself a target. I'm told the most powerful thing of all is to pray for them. Will his family be glad to see you?

I'll be honest. For example with the cousin who molested me, I pray for him. I believe God wants to forgive everyone, even him and I pray that they'll work things out. But, beyond that, it's not my problem. The pedophile gets to make his own decision and live with the consequences, good or bad. My prayer is that they be good, because I think that's God's first choice, and I'm totally sincere in that prayer. But I'm NOT going to his funeral, should that become an option. Not as things stand between him and me now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't go to funerals. The person has passed away and the rituals are for the living. And a lot of those rituals are not very comforting. I do attend memorial services for people I cared for and share pleasant memories of them. I did not want to attend my fathers service but was forced to by my siblings. As expected he was glorified when in reality he was a selfish bully mysoginest. If there are people you'd like to see then go but if it just feels like a duty then I say you are not required to attend.