Relationship Mixed Signals

[hangingon]

I am wondering if any sufferer can help me understand. My wonderful man has PTSD. He can be the most open, loving gentleman. He has episodes and he barely feigns interest. we went through an episode that lasted about 2 & 1/2 weeks with deep depression & anxiety. He had a few better days. I had about a day of love. It was wonderful!! I thought I could get at least a week of that wonderful feeling. Then I feel free to express my love to him again. But my words fall on deaf ears. Its so hard to be completely in love with someone and to know they're in love with you one minute and then completely question everything the next minute. I am unsure if during these episodes if I should continue to profess my love. I know he loves me. I know he's hurting during those times.

 

[Charlie_123]

Personally I would hold back. When he shows you love and affection then respond in kind. If he doesn't because he's going through a hard time, hearing that kind of thing might have the opposite effect to the one you want, in other words might make things worse. I have learnt that as a supporter we often have the need to express how we feel to our sufferers in the hope that we might see some sign of reciprocation or affection in an otherwise desolate and empty experience of isolation. While understandable, this is more about us and our drive to satisfy our own needs for love rather than respecting the fact that our sufferers genuinely just need space and as little emotional engagement or 'professing' as possible. I've been in my current relationship for about 10 months now and although I love my other half deeply I still haven't been able to tell her because she can't handle that kind of emotional pressure or respond in kind. It hurts me that I can't tell her verbally, but instead I do everything I can to show her love through my actions, in other words patience, restraint, giving her space, compassion, empathy and never giving up even when she pushes me away. I honestly believe this is as meaningful if not more meaningful than saying the words. Hope this helps in some way.

 

[hangingon]

It does help. Its hard to know sometimes what helps & what doesn't when there's limited response &/or apathy. I did order the book Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior. I'm hoping that will give me some insight as well. I don't want to push or pressure but I also don't want to recoil to the point he feels alone. I know sometimes when I express my love he says he doesn't deserve it. I am unsure how to prove otherwise. I appreciate all support & insight I receive here. Its nice to know I'm not alone

 

[Sighs]

I tell my vet every day - at least 5 or 6 times a day. Sometimes all the reply I get is a grunt. But I make damn sure he knows I love him even when he is grunting at me! ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

I advise holding back on professing your love to him when he is stressed as it may add to the stress (and possible guilt) that he already feels.

 

[hangingon]

He continues to be back and forth. I know he's hurting. I feel helpless. I want nothing but happiness and peace for him. He has been posting a lot more political and military things on Facebook. Hes "following" just about every military/veteran page. While I think the comradary can be a good thing, I think the constant feed of military/war posts & images is not helping at all. I certainly can't tell him what to follow or not follow. I hate to see him down like this. He deserves peace. He doesn't realize how to help himself obtain it.

 

[Sighs]

He deserves peace.

My vet says he has never been more at peace in his life than in the middle of battle as his mortars thump into their targets. If you are not military you do not know what peace means to him. Avoiding the war imagery will not make his memories fade. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

He continues to be back and forth. I know he's hurting. I feel helpless. I want nothing but happiness...

It sounds like he is trying to find things that resonate with what he is feeling and thinking about. Like people posting sad songs when they go through a break up. We have to process things and doing that in a safe zone sounds like a pretty good way to do that. Exposure therapy pretty much. Studies show that trying to not focus on a topic actually makes you think about it more.

 

[glass half full]

It does help. Its hard to know sometimes what helps & what doesn't when there's limited response &/or...

Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior is a very helpful book for supporters even though intended for the sufferer. May I suggest picking up The Things They Cannot Say? Its a very compelling read- several vets offered a look at what they lived through and how it impacted them. I think those were the two best of the many I have read trying to get a little sense of what my man dealt with over three combat tours.

 

[Milo's papa]

I tend to agree with what @sigh said, I've found that even when my wiife is at her "most f**ked-upednes" she still needs to know that when her world settles down a little, I'll still be there and I'll still love her just as much.

Everyone does isolation differently. Some people want absolutely no contact, others just want thier partners presence so they know they're not all alone in this world. The hard thing is to figure out what your partner needs from you.

 

[hangingon]

I am struggling. I give him space and contacts me, makes plans with me then breaks plans the day of or day before. This has happened several times. He initiates it. I've told him that he doesn't have to do anything that is too much for him. I suppose he may not know until it comes down to it. He apologizes for "treating me like crap". Its just so hard to be on the back burner

 

[Sweetpea76]

The bailing on plans thing happens. A lot of sufferers have issues with that. They feel good enough to make plans. They may be excited and gung-ho even, then they wake up the day of and just cannot make themselves go. It could be a bad day, or they could be stressing about their plans. Then they stress about cancelling. It isn't something they can always help.

My vet does the same thing... In fact he does it a lot with a lot of different people. It drove me straight up the f*ing wall for awhile. My job requires me to literally be scheduled to the minute, and live by my calendar. It was reaaaaaaaly hard to get used to this.

Now we just roll with it. Our plans stay super fluid. He could walk into a restaurant and it sets him on edge... Not eating there tonight. He has a rough time getting moving... Better switch to the late movie. You get the idea.