Mixed signals

[Freemartin]

^^ What @Sandstone said.

I'm in the middle of leaving a t who, I've come to learn, isn't up to her task.
Partly this is due to her being unable to keep her own baggage separate from mine.
At the same time she was just the right one for me in the earlier years of our journey. Exactly because of her humanity and un-professionalism. So, now those things hinder my progress, but in the beginning they were crucial. Otherwise I would never have come to trust her and develop the necessary attachment.

I'm not going to comment OP's situation. But what Sandstone wrote rang a bell.

 

[hithere]

I see people have written, "what are you thinking" and it feels very accusatory to me, even though I am sure these posters are wanting the best for you. I must instead say I feel for you, because I might know what you were thinking or feeling about continuing with your t even though they don't sound like they can be supportive right now. I'm in a similar situation and for me it's the strong attachment emotions that prevent me from cutting off completely. I just can't punish those emotions for existing, because that's where the pain got stuck when those in power & causing the pain did not allow it to be expressed. So survival kicks in and punishing any needy feelings just causes hell storms. In some ways going cold turkey & splitting up causes a type of emotional resilience to arise up. In other ways it feels and prompts those old suicidal abuse emotions. I believe you will navigate your way through this move. Hang on. Don't give up. Allow yourself to feel lost and alone for part of the day, and then decide to get move your body and do something for part of the day. Music helps me get through these times. Sometimes blasting music, sometimes peaceful music. I will let myself have 4 hours of wallowing and then I say OK let's go help someone out. I have a very negative opinion of therapy right now. I think "life" is a better therapist than a professional therapist because they are just people with huge baggage, too.

I just re-read Sandstone.... This actually really speaks to me. I think there is a lot of truth to this.