Death Mom died 14 years ago - still can't feel anything.

[Marvel545]

Even typing this is tough for me, but I've got to do it.

My Mom died in June 2004, pretty suddenly. She suffered with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis & died due to a heart valve failing. It was related to her arthritis. I was 11 when she died. In my lifetime she had 10 major operations & wasn't well for the majority of my life.

I heard her die in the room next to me. I was in bed & was terrified.

I got upset at the time & in the days that followed, but after that I've not really felt anything. The subsequent destruction of the family unit took up my headspace, but I feel so guilty for not feeling upset.

Typing that out I filled up a bit, but then it's gone.

I don't even know where to begin to start processing her death. It's like I'm numb.

Any tips or thoughts would be massively appreciated.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm very, very sorry for your profound loss.

Are you currently in therapy?

 

[Marvel545]

I have recently restarted therapy, I am not 100% on my current T.

I get a bit manic in therapy & get stuck on the low level stuff. Part of me thinks I'm not dealing with the low level stuff because I'm scared of what comes after that!

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you write on a piece of paper that you need to talk about your mom and give it to your T in session?

Sometimes we are not able to speak it up.

Another thing can be that you're just not ready, and in that case no need to force it right?

The "shoulds" really mess with us. Maybe you feel like you should feel something.
I think you're numb about it for a reason.
Following your journey on your diary, I can say that the low level stuff is not so low level. They are hard consequences of a lifetime of dysfunctional family dynamics.
It's really okay not to deal with every hard subject all at once. It's self preservation.

I'm so sorry about your mom.
Wish there was anything I could say to make it better for you.
:hug:

 

[Marvel545]

Another thing can be that you're just not ready, and in that case no need to force it right?

This could be true. Wanting to deal it doesn't mean its the right thing to do.

Following your journey on your diary, I can say that the low level stuff is not so low level. They are hard consequences of a lifetime of dysfunctional family dynamics.

I think I need to heed the advice I gave you in your diary. Just because it isn't terrible, doesn't mean it isn't unhealthy.

I feel caught in limbo in relation to my Mom, like I'm in no mans land. I don't want to grieve, but I also don't want to move on. Like legitimately being happy would be an issue, it would mean I don't care about her.

 

[ILoveLife]

legitimately being happy would be an issue, it would mean I don't care about

I get this.
In myself this is connected to the undeserving feelings, others must always be happy in my detriment.
This is a big thing in my family.
Like our happiness is intertwined, if one is miserable everyone must be miserable, if one is happy everyone should be happy.
I fake it till I make it, have no good advice. Just that I get it.

 

[Marvel545]

@Sietz it is good advice. Certainly the same in my family. I feel as though I have to be the last one to move on.

I feel like no-one understands that I was there, that my childhood came crashing down one morning. I heard everything happen & that's never been spoken about. My Mom never gets spoken about.

I guess that's part of it as well, I've never had a place where I can talk about my experience freely without oneupmanship or upset. I'm able to do it here & I'm making progress.

I have dissociative amnesia from my childhood. I have about 4-5 memories & that's it.

 

[ILoveLife]

Do you have pictures from your childhood?
Despite the emotional baggage they carry, I found them useful to deal with stuff.
I rounded some up, put them in a box on my night table. I don't look at them but being there they remind me of times when things weren't so confusing.

We have different pasts. I watched my borderline abusive father die from a slow suicide for years, that created a lot of dysfunction in me and my family members.
One of the most intrusive memories I have is watching my father skin and bone, not able to speak, delirious, in his bed, with the putrid smell of feces and pee. Sorry for the image, just to give you an idea. I'm not sure if that's really traumatic for me, it should be. He barely made it out alive. My sister was cracking jokes. Such a mess.
I'm telling you this because it is possible eventually to talk about stuff, takes a while though. No hurry.

:hug:

 

[Marvel545]

Do you have pictures from your childhood?

I do somewhere. I think I could do with looking at them. I think there at my house, but I genuinely don't know, I'll have to ask my girlfriend.

Don't apologise, I'm sorry you had to go through that! :hug: I'm trying to understand it's all part of the process. In my mind my dysfunctional family & my Moms death are unrelated! Obviously they aren't, but I think that's how I've tried to cope.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yeah, we store things in little drawers on the backs of our minds for years, then take them out and they don't seem to go together.

It's interesting.

Maybe you can make those map thingies, I forget the name. A piece of paper, connect the dots kind of thing.

 

[Marvel545]

My brain conveniently forgot about this thread. I’ve got some sorting out to do at home tonight so I’m going to drag out these pictures if I can. If not I’m going to locate where they are.

The better I get the more flashbacks I have to my youth, some good, some bad!

 

[Fadeaway]

Hey, you are being to hard on yourself. I speak from the position of someone who has been there a d felt guilt over my lack of grief over my mother's death. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It took me 15 years to finaly cry.

I am guessing with all her halth issues you had already grieved before her death.