dimplesg520
Bronze Member
Wondering if anyone else deals with this sort of thing because of their partner's PTSD.
The main thing we are struggling right now is with the finances. He is at his post during the week for therapy and comes home on the weekends. I have been in charge of the finances since before he deployed -- paying the bills, allotting out money for things we need, etc. When he was deployed, we had a nice routine where he would double check with me about how much money we had available after I paid the bills and ask if he could use money for this or that, which I think is not only nice but essential when one person is handling the money (he doesn't because he is terrible managing money, and he freely admits that). He would always double check before taking out money, except for one or two times that he had to last minute before a mission and couldn't text to tell me. However, since he has gotten home, he doesn't follow that at all anymore. We weren't paid for 4 months after he got home because he was waiting on orders to be able to get therapy, so December was the first month we got paid. We are very behind on all our bills and owe my father $9,000 from what we had to borrow when we weren't getting paid by the Army. Since the 3rd of December when we got paid, he has taken $160 per week for food and gas (the DFAC is available to him to eat at for every meal, and at his therapy program they also provide lunch; he also was given a government credit card to use for the gas but it didn't work the first time he tried to use it before Thanksgiving and has yet to call to find out what the issue is), I've had to send him $200 via Western Union twice because he spent all of his weekly money on eating out and things at the PX and then didn't have any more money for gas, he spent $450 on a brand new hunting bow that he has yet to use because he didn't have a hunting permit for the season, he bought a new $300 tire for his bike that he has ridden twice since getting it, he has bought copies of books and DVDs that we have at the house but he buys them because he says he has to watch/read them that very day, he has bought sweatpants and sweatshirts, although when he is home on the weekend I try to get him to take his own sweatpants and sweatshirts from home but he says he doesn't need them there... All of this without asking or telling me that he was taking the money. I found out a few days later when I looked at the bank statement online.
Like I said, we are really struggling to catch up right now and I think it's unfair and rude to ask me to handle the finances, yet then so blatantly disregard it. I run every single purchase I make by him, just to double check that he doesn't mind, or that there isn't some other financial burden I don't know about that we will have to spend the money on instead. I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it time and time again, and at the time of the conversation, he says he understands and won't do it anymore, and then less than a week later, he does. I had to take his credit card away because he ran up a $15,000 debt in the 8 months before he was deployed without me knowing, and the card is maxed out now. I keep the ATM card home to try to lessen the impulsivity of him taking out money, although when he comes home on weekends, he often goes through my (zipped) purse into my wallet to go through it, take the ATM card, and go take money out while I'm sleeping. He takes his $160 per week in cash with him, but like I said, I've had to wire him money and he found out today he can withdraw money at the PX, so I'm sure that he will be taking a lot more out. He can't really take the finances over right now because he is in therapy five days a week all day, and also because I think that if he was in charge of them, nothing would get paid and we would be broke. But at the same time, I don't think it's fair for him to do this (especially when I am super conserving money while he is gone, ie eating all 3 meals for under $15 a day, and he is off buying all this stuff) and I don't know how to get him to stop. I feel like my feelings about the situation are being ignored because he isn't doing anything to fix his actions, and he says that as long as we have money in the account, we're fine.
Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing? He says that he forgets to tell me about what he takes out, that he has so much in his head from therapy and PTSD stuff that the money stuff just doesn't really rate high up on his list of concerns, etc. He has TBI and forgets a ton of stuff on a regular basis (not just money), but even when I've suggested various ways for him to work around that, he does them for a few days and stops. He struggles with impulsivity from his PTSD/TBI, but says that because he's not doing drugs or drinking anymore, that I shouldn't be so hard on him. Whenever I try to talk to him about the money issue lately, he says it's not a good time to talk because he has so much in his head from his therapy. I understand that, but he never comes back to talk to me about it later when he isn't as stressed... It just never gets talked about, gets thrown under the rug and ignored. I'm really struggling here, and it's become one of the biggest hurdles in our relationship right now. Any advice or suggestions would really help!!
The main thing we are struggling right now is with the finances. He is at his post during the week for therapy and comes home on the weekends. I have been in charge of the finances since before he deployed -- paying the bills, allotting out money for things we need, etc. When he was deployed, we had a nice routine where he would double check with me about how much money we had available after I paid the bills and ask if he could use money for this or that, which I think is not only nice but essential when one person is handling the money (he doesn't because he is terrible managing money, and he freely admits that). He would always double check before taking out money, except for one or two times that he had to last minute before a mission and couldn't text to tell me. However, since he has gotten home, he doesn't follow that at all anymore. We weren't paid for 4 months after he got home because he was waiting on orders to be able to get therapy, so December was the first month we got paid. We are very behind on all our bills and owe my father $9,000 from what we had to borrow when we weren't getting paid by the Army. Since the 3rd of December when we got paid, he has taken $160 per week for food and gas (the DFAC is available to him to eat at for every meal, and at his therapy program they also provide lunch; he also was given a government credit card to use for the gas but it didn't work the first time he tried to use it before Thanksgiving and has yet to call to find out what the issue is), I've had to send him $200 via Western Union twice because he spent all of his weekly money on eating out and things at the PX and then didn't have any more money for gas, he spent $450 on a brand new hunting bow that he has yet to use because he didn't have a hunting permit for the season, he bought a new $300 tire for his bike that he has ridden twice since getting it, he has bought copies of books and DVDs that we have at the house but he buys them because he says he has to watch/read them that very day, he has bought sweatpants and sweatshirts, although when he is home on the weekend I try to get him to take his own sweatpants and sweatshirts from home but he says he doesn't need them there... All of this without asking or telling me that he was taking the money. I found out a few days later when I looked at the bank statement online.
Like I said, we are really struggling to catch up right now and I think it's unfair and rude to ask me to handle the finances, yet then so blatantly disregard it. I run every single purchase I make by him, just to double check that he doesn't mind, or that there isn't some other financial burden I don't know about that we will have to spend the money on instead. I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it time and time again, and at the time of the conversation, he says he understands and won't do it anymore, and then less than a week later, he does. I had to take his credit card away because he ran up a $15,000 debt in the 8 months before he was deployed without me knowing, and the card is maxed out now. I keep the ATM card home to try to lessen the impulsivity of him taking out money, although when he comes home on weekends, he often goes through my (zipped) purse into my wallet to go through it, take the ATM card, and go take money out while I'm sleeping. He takes his $160 per week in cash with him, but like I said, I've had to wire him money and he found out today he can withdraw money at the PX, so I'm sure that he will be taking a lot more out. He can't really take the finances over right now because he is in therapy five days a week all day, and also because I think that if he was in charge of them, nothing would get paid and we would be broke. But at the same time, I don't think it's fair for him to do this (especially when I am super conserving money while he is gone, ie eating all 3 meals for under $15 a day, and he is off buying all this stuff) and I don't know how to get him to stop. I feel like my feelings about the situation are being ignored because he isn't doing anything to fix his actions, and he says that as long as we have money in the account, we're fine.
Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing? He says that he forgets to tell me about what he takes out, that he has so much in his head from therapy and PTSD stuff that the money stuff just doesn't really rate high up on his list of concerns, etc. He has TBI and forgets a ton of stuff on a regular basis (not just money), but even when I've suggested various ways for him to work around that, he does them for a few days and stops. He struggles with impulsivity from his PTSD/TBI, but says that because he's not doing drugs or drinking anymore, that I shouldn't be so hard on him. Whenever I try to talk to him about the money issue lately, he says it's not a good time to talk because he has so much in his head from his therapy. I understand that, but he never comes back to talk to me about it later when he isn't as stressed... It just never gets talked about, gets thrown under the rug and ignored. I'm really struggling here, and it's become one of the biggest hurdles in our relationship right now. Any advice or suggestions would really help!!
