Relationship Moods? Or Dissociative States?

[Badger]

Winter has moods. Actually, they seem almost like different personalities. When I see him, I never know, really what it is going to be like. Ive given them nicknames, they are so different.

There is Silent Winter, seems like he is living in an internal landscape. doesn't show anything on the surface and doesnt like to be touched. Seems like he is in a state of concealed anxiety

There is Watchful Winter- he is an observer who analyses people and situations. He is self deprecating, ironic, intelligent and kind. He will hold me and touch me in a non sexual friendly way, but is uncomfortable with the romantic thing.

Then there is Wild Winter- glowing eyes, and a seductive streak a mile wide. Charming and passionate, raw without being crude, impulsive and bold. I have only been his lover.

How can this all be part of the same man?

How can one person contain so many different aspects?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Everyone has different parts to them that can be thought of as moods. And each part comes out depending on how a person is feeling moment to moment, day by day or who they are around.

If he is not bothered by them, accept them and enjoy each one.

Forgive me. I do not know your story or his. At first glance, it seems normal to me.

If in fact they are dissociative states, and if those dissociative states are disrupting his functions in life (in his view), do not put a magnifying glass on it. It will only cause him to feel scared to just be however he feels. As a sufferer myself, I know that when my husband did that in the past, I felt like I could not express myself freely. I felt like my being in the world was contingent upon how others thought I should be acting or feeling. I felt suffocated and trapped, like I was not allowed to just be.....however it came out.

But that is just my opinion.

 

[Badger]

Thank you Stronger. I will be careful not to bring them up excessively. I am new to being with someone with PTSD. (Our relationship is only 3 months old) He has commented on his own moods in that he says its not natural for me to have to change my own behaviour so much. I tell him I want to be a safe person for him to be with, and if that means not touching him when he is not in the mood, then I wont do that. According to him most women dont think this way. They get angry at him. He is a pretty physically attractive person, and in a way maybe thats a disadvantage.

Before me he hadnt been with anyone for 2 years because of the misunderstandings created by his moods. In a way I think people can be sort or reverse sexist because men learn how to deal with this in women, but women expect consistency, which really isn't fair when you think about it...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Yah. I totally understand. He is correct. You should not change yourself.

In the beginning of my husbands and my relationship, we both understood that ways we chose to cope with the PTSD were best for that time, but we also understood that they are negotiable and can evolve.

For example, in the beginning, I needed him to stop using a certain phrase because it triggered me, but after a year passed, it no longer had the same power over me.

I see the nature of the start of our relationship as unique because he took on a role that he should have never had to, but I was able to shift that dynamic through hard work in healing. After almost 3 years, I was able to relieve him the other night by explaining to him that I am aware of the role he had to take on and assured him that it is okay to let go now because I desperately needed the dynamic to shift now that I feel mentally and emotionally stronger.

Along my journey, I found myself many times telling him not to change who he is. I made it a point that I did not want him to walk on egg shells permanently. The consistency I most needed was just knowing that he would never abandon me, but I also knew that I had to actively do the work to heal. So, listen to him when he tells you that stuff. He is telling the truth.

It really is just a matter of good communication. But I think it is awesome of you to see those double standards in society. It would be a great idea to read some books. There is a great one called When Someone You Love Suffers From Post Traumatic Stress. There is a whole section about sexual abuse. That book helped my husband a lot in understanding my PTSD and also how to take care of himself. There are also great books about men who suffer from sexual abuse, etc.

You sound like a very healthy person. He is lucky to have you supporting him.

 

[sisu]

The consistency I most needed was just knowing that he would never abandon me

The above quote goes for supporters too (or it does in my case). If I am willing to learn about PTSD, learn about his needs and accept him for who he is, then he should do the same for me. I find it so difficult when he is feeling so stressed that he isolates and in some cases breaks-up with me. It usually comes as a suprise in our case and I am left feeling abandoned which is devastating because I do have childhood abandonment issues.

How do I get him (the sufferer) to understand that?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi sisu, that is a hard one, I know it intimately from both sides of the coin.

I think simply communicating that on a good day in a neutral place is sufficient.

Sufferers threaten it as a defense mechanism. Well, at least I did in the past. I expected everyone to abandon me so subconsciously, I thought that if I did it first, then it would not hurt as much.

Someone pointed out to me how much those threats hurt in a previous relationship. I could not grasp that fully until I had a relationship with someone who did it to me, but I am not suggesting that.

When my husband and I first got together, I noticed any time we had a disagreement, he did not have the tools to resolve conflict like I did. He would use giving up words if you will. I know this is not of the same magnitude as dealing with this scenario with PTSD as an element, but I believe this boundary does work.

I told him on a day that was relaxed and some place neutral that I was never going to abandon him. I explained to him about my childhood abandonment issues and how in the past, I had a habit of threatening etc. I explained the hurt feelings that go along with that erratic habit. Then, I told him how much I love him. Then, I very politely told him that neither of us is ever allowed to threaten or use giving up words.

See how I used "us" as the central topic? This way, I did not cause him to feel like I was making it only his issue. He only did it a few more times during arguments. I also stopped dead center during the disagreement and said, "No. We are not allowed to do that, remember? Nobody is going to abandon anybody here. We are two adults who love each other. We do not get to just give up. Now pull up a chair. Lets find a solution together."

This consistency cultivated a non regression in our relationship because each of us knows now that nobody gets to walk out that door. Each of us knows that even though it feels uncomfortable right now, giving up words are not the solution.

I also had to do the work and explore my own fears of abandonment in order to see his struggle with it for what it really was. In my husband's case, it was a fear of conflict and not having any background in romantic relationship conflict resolution. I understand that PTSD plays a role in your situation, however, I do not see why the same could not be applied.

 

[Badger]

Winter does isolate, but he is doing that less now, because he is gradually becoming less selfconsious of his moods. His fundamental problem is that his abuser was his father, and he gives into low self esteem, rather then anger at his abuser. As far as we know at this point, it was just severe physical abuse and intimidation. His father is "decent" to him as an adult but that makes it even more of a mind f#*&

 

[sisu]

Thank you StrongerNow. Your advice is excellent! I will try it. :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Badger, gosh I know that must be hard. I can just imagine the many times my husband must've been on the outside thinking, "Why cant she see what I see?"

Getting to that anger stage in therapy, well the time frame is different for everyone. Unfortunately, only my T could help me get to that stage. I do not know for sure if people can just give in to low self esteem. I do know that I just had low self esteem and it was a slow growing process. He will get there.

 

[Badger]

It's been like a week now since he has been his "normal self" I keep telling him he needs to get a therapist to talk to about this stuff. (He has a psychiatrist and a therapist but hes afraid to talk to them) Yesterday the kids were over my house and my 7 year old is inquisitive, so when he went to say goodbye, I put my arms around him to give him a hug, and mid-hug shut the door behind him. He stiffened in my arms and I took my hands off him immediately and he kept holding on to me and said "Not you the door."

Yesterday he told me (about an hour before I shut the door and triggered him) that after his Dad beat him all those years he came home one day when he was around 18 to find his father on his knees holding whatever police weapon he used to beat him with and he begged Winter to hit him. Winter saw this for the mindf#&k it was and refused. Call me crazy, but there seems to be something creepily sexual in that. Like masochism, sadism, something. If it was really guilt wouldnt he just apologize?

He has gaps in his memory and his father says there was someone in church who may have sexually abused him...personally, I doubt it.

The hardest thing for me is to be someone who is used to comforting with touch, ( I'm the mother of 2 kids and an EMT) and to feel him shake because I touch him. I dont know if he is tolerating it for my sake, I dont know if I should just avoid it altogether, I have no idea what to do.

 

[Badger]

My personal theory, which I'm only stating on here, and I would never actually SAY to Winter, is that if you are a hardcore fundamentalist Christian and your beautiful boy child sexually arouses you, you are going to punish him for that. Thats why the times when Winter was beaten make no sense, like getting woken up in the middle of the night to having the crap kicked out of you for no reason. That's probably why he feels "evil and guilty, and ashamed."