Relationship More flare ups

[TDaily]

Hey everyone, been a while since I last posted. I've always found that writing on here helps me out, if nothing more than to rant and get some pent up feelings out in the open.

Went through another episode with my wife last night. We had a decent time at my company's picnic. Not great, not bad, just fine. On the way home, my wife out of nowhere starts talking about how I'm a bad husband because of an minor incident which happened over two years ago. (We were at a pool together and I left early to hang out with some friends at a pre-planned event.) Then she started listing off all of my direct family members she hates.

This isn't the first time she's brought up this event and it isn't the first time I've had to listen to her list off family members she disapproves of, but I do get a little frustrated when it comes out of nowhere. The event yesterday evening had nothing to do with any of this, yet here I am again, taking shots like a punching bag. I get upset and start slamming doors and then she gets anxious. The night ends with her blowing up and each of us sleeping in separate rooms.

This morning I apologize to her for getting upset, but it's too late. I get the "Things aren't working out" and "I don't like you anymore" talks, which always put me down and makes me anxious. Things always turn around after a while, but it still sucks going through this.

It's frustrating because I feel like unless I bat 1.000 as a husband, there will always be something for her to use against me later. I do realize I shouldn't have expressed my frustrations last night the way I did, but it's hard to continually here these complaints (especially when they seemingly come out of nowhere) and not eventually boil over. I try to be supportive, and I feel I am, but she says I am not. I guess I'll probably just try and wait this one out as well. I always have hope because things always seem to turn around, it just sucks right now.

Thanks for listening, these forums do help.

 

[dulcia]

I get the "Things aren't working out" and "I don't like you anymore" talks, which always put me down and makes me anxious. Things always turn around after a while, but it still sucks going through this.

I've gone through this 3 times in the last week with my partner. I understand. I don't really have any advice, just know you're not alone in feeling frustrated with this. As @Sighs recently told me, it's okay for your "stress up" to overflow sometimes, too.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Putting my own scenario into this, so I may be way off base, but at the company picnic, did she perceive that you were leaving her out, not introducing her to people or ignoring her presence because you were engaged with co-workers that you know well (while she was your "plus one") ?

That maybe could have triggered her feelings of abandonment or feeling invisible. So many of us with ptsd feel invisible or detached. Because she feels this way and perceives that you aren't helping to include her it is linking her mind to every time in the past that she felt this way with you. :(

So... as I said, I am putting my own scenerario into this. I used to feel highly alone at my husband's work events. He would actually sneak off to smoke pot, and I would just be standing there with my drink feeling like everyone was looking at me (which they weren't). Then over time, I got to know these people and it was better, I had others to mingle with. But for awhile there, we would argue about it. He was mad that I was insecure and had a need for him to "take care of me." I was mad that he didn't care about my feelings.

It has been 19 years now, our party approach has changed. Sometimes, I just don't even go.

Good luck!

 

[TDaily]

I guess I didn't really think about it in terms of the party triggering her. She did have some reservations about going, but that's mostly out of disapproval of my boss (another story for another time). Honestly, she knows most of the people I work with and has actually become good friends with one of them. I don't think it was a sense of abandonment as she was socializing well when I was not at her side. I could see it being a trigger however, as she does get anxious in some social settings.

That being said, the random flare ups about my failures as a husband and family still seem to be triggered at random times. I have been able to pick out certain situations where this happens more and we try to avoid those. Maybe I need to be more conscious of our surrounding to see if there is some sort of link? I do like to wing it a lot of times and maybe I should be paying closer attention.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I guess I didn't really think about it in terms of the party triggering her. She did have some reservation...

I might add that I have only had ptsd this year. Maybe I had milder unrecognized versions of it all along, but it hit really strong this year. I now feel a lot of guilt that all these years I blamed my husband for stuff that was really part of my issues. In therapy, it is helpful to deal with my past and hopefully heal it enough that my relationships will be strong enough to recognize the triggers and not blame my spouse.