Mornin

[sea]

Honestly mate I would get used to the idea of being pissed off with other people's reactions 'cos it's never going to go away.

Yeah. I agree.

Thank you everybody.

 

[Ned]

Yeah. I agree.

Thank you everybody.

(now don't be like that) Then you are where we're all at. Like Red says, say what you think and don't worry too much about anybody getting chi-chi.
Spit it out and let us worry about dodging it, we're quite good at that.

 

[sea]

I am at too much of a disconnect. I don't belong here.

I'm sorry I made a thread and rambled on like a f*cking idiot. I can see where I am getting triggered over nothing. I am sure I would look even more stupid than I already do if I attempted to explain. I am looking for something I am not going to find anywhere. Meant to make an account so I could read more but didn't want to get deleted so I decided to make a post. Then I got drunk and rambled nonstop about things that aren't important.

Like you said: we all have a different beast. I think a lot of you are lucky because each of you are able in some small way to comprehend one another and connect with eachother. Maybe you do not see that from where you are standing. I am sorry to have wasted all of your time.

 

[Ned]

You are most certainly not triggering over nothing. And I can't say if you belong here, but you are welcome.
Sea, I think you have exactly the same burden as anyone else.
You have not wasted anyone's time and you are not as different as you might think.
What we cope with isn't in small ways, either. Don't be such a snob you are no different.
There are many here who will tell you, thanks to their experience, that you do belong.
I think you might consider that what happened to you is probably more important than what happened to us.
Stop being an arse. (mate).

 

[Jimmy1]

Sea,

We are one big family here and we don't discriminate. Think about it. If everyone was discriminatory there would be no Japanese, German, Italian, Argentinian, Korean, etc, etc people on here. War is War. The current enemy of the coalition forces is someone who takes up arms against us. They are not the enemy for what their beliefs are.

The Qur'an is just their religious beliefs and writings. So what if you have read it or even practice it. I am an atheist and have not even read the bible, I don't go to church, so maybe I am a heathen.

Your a medic, you save lives. I bet if there was a coalition soldier and an enemy soldier both lying there wounded you would work on your fellow countryman first.

Nearly everyone on this forum is not proud of some of the things they have done. And the majority of them will not talk about their innermost demons. That is the private conflict that goes on inside their heads.

This forum is for us to talk about and help each other through out symptoms and ways to combat things. It also helps us understand what PTSD is and that its not all about the disorder but the military conditioning too.

The other good thing about this forum is that we kick each other up the arse for being negative and feeling sorry for themselves all the time. Its ok every now and then, but not all the time.

You do belong here mate, but stop bitching about how sad you are and how hard done you are. Consider this as a size 10' kick.

If you want help with your symptoms, just ask.

Jimmy

 

[sea]

I really am triggered by nothing. I shouldn't care what people think but I do care Whatever I guess that makes me a wuss, which I already f*cking said anyway so nobody is telling me anything new! I've been called judgmental by someone who didn't bother to read what I actually wrote which was explicitly non-judgmental and validating in every way. I then validated that entire response! Which was by the way so off the mark it isnt even in the same god damn dimension!

The rest of the replies just made me feel like I am not in a place to hear it or to be here because I reacted viscerally and hostilely so instead of responding like a f*cking drama queen to every little thing that bothered me, I expressed that I felt disconnected and that I don't belong and opted to leave. I attempted to be back out instead of flinging unadulterated rage everywhere for no discernible reason other than that, I can only imagine, it reminds me of the military mantras in general which just tend to have an adverse effect on me. I recognized this was my problem and that it was one of the sources of my disconnect.

I was still pissed, and I wrote a reply trying to be as civilized as possible while backing out. I felt like I couldn't respond and just "say what I think" because it would be disrespectful because you have all been welcoming and decent and therefore I have no reason to be pissed. What the hell could I say oh you are all trying to be nice to me but I'm still mad at you?!!! But, I was still pissed and I am still pissed and it isn't going away. I've now devolved by the way, far beyond pissed into outright f*cking blackout rage.

When I say that I am disconnected what I mean is that I don't f*cking feel like I am human, I can't connect to anybody anywhere. Hence the meaning of disconnected. I applied it to me in my last post because guess what I was disconnected because while everybody was being nice to me I was just sitting there pissed off. Does that sound like f*cking connection to you. When I say I am different I mean I am not strong and I don't have a thick skin like the rest of you f*cking do. It has nothing to do with feeling like I am better than any f*cking person.

When I say my problems are unimportant I am not being sarcastic. I honestly feel like I have spoken about things here that I feel really silly for having discussed and made a big deal about because I could have participated just fine without disclosing any of it and that it is, in fact, less important than the majority experiences here where you have come together to create a community regarding those experiences. And I feel silly for having done it while I was drunk.

I already explained I am a wuss who cannot handle the slightest bit of pressure without f*cking losing my mind. (Believe me, I've lost it all f*cking day.) The reason why I mentioned all of it isn't because I want an argument or because I think I am so much better or because I'm being judgmental or snobby but because I convinced myself that I could discuss it without it being received negatively, I was drunk, and I wanted to be honest and up front about my experiences and my feelings and my beliefs instead of hide like I have done from everyone for the last year and a f*cking half so I can hop on back to the therapist and say look what I can do

I've had negative experiences from hiding and then having it found out or disclosing things later on that make people resent me. I'm not just making up experiences for fun, it has happened to me and made me wary of talking at all. I wanted to explain all of it so I could be honest about where I am coming from because I thought that if I laid it out it would make it easier or it would be received well if I talked about it upfront.

(Also I mostly trie to say what i believed not really to start an argument but just because I find it hard to talk about the other shit and I thought it might make it more obvious and give me more courage to talk about. it isnt like I jst came in here and wanted to vomit my beliefs everywhere I dont f*cking care I jst tried to explain what happened and used my beliefs as a way to do that and to explain my beliefs so that when I say other people hve reacted badly to me you understood why but jesus christ the more I talk the more I feel like a big f*cking fool I am sorry I suck at discussing things openly maybe if I were super blunt and open nobdoy would have blinked

but I am weak and a coward and I cant f*cking talk about it bluntly for the same reasons none of yall can talk about your shit bluntly or openly to anybody only, in my case, what happened to me basically screws up any f*cking ability for me to f*cking talk to other vets because they treat me like I'm tough (just about everyone Ive met but I guess I cant gneralize) and I'm not and soem of them (all of the ones I have met in real life but I know better than to generalize that) think my beliefs are stupid

so in order to even explain why I think I have those problems I had to even discuss what happened but I am, like I just f*cking stated a thousand times, a wuss and I have a hard f*cking time with it so i guess I never even made any god damn sense to begin with and peopel just thought I was being judgmental but i was just f*cking trying to explain shit and all ofthis crap, just serves to show me, that I should not even bother trying to talk to anybody at all because I f*cking suck at it.

also I basically just said everything I ever said and rambled so f*cking much so people might possibly think I am not stupid, except I think that worked out crappy. I think the old testimony is true: the more I say, the stupider I am.)

This is the first time I have ever tried to explain this crap in a public area when first meeting them, I was drunk and nervous and awkward and I was misinterpreted a f*ck ton.

So yes. I feel like an idiot. I am sure if I could have said something different or expressed myself better then nobody would have batted an eye. The responsibility lies in me and my ability to connect and talk. What I can do is now withdraw respectfully and go tell my therapist I'm still a f*ck up who can't f*cking talk to people. I'm sure I have written much more than is appreciated. My initial reaction was highly edited to this point so if I've still managed to piss people off then sorry because to even type coherently without dissolving into a pile of rage and hatred took all day. But if you read it all, thanks.

I feel like I have written so much crap and expressed so much crap that was just really irrelevant, and vomited my stupid life on this place in a chaotic and disorganized and irrelevant manner and it was misinterpreted and completely taken out of any context and motivations were attributed where none existed and so I said f*ck it I'm done and backed out after I started raging for no discernible reason to myself and didn't want to get into it and start a huge f*cking big deal over it and throw a stupid fit for no reason and make no damn sense! You told me to tell you what I think but I didn't want to disrespect you so I left (and tried to express why I was leaving in a non-ragey way) and you think I'm being snobbish. there is a reason why I don't know how to connect, I guess. well I guess now you know what I think anyway.

I think the difference is I don't have this big thick tough armor that you can just chink at all day long out of jest or whatever. I'm a f*cking wreck because I'm just so sad and miserable that it just causes me too much damn rage and ~*sadness*~ ( :cry: see, those are man-tears of sadness and mostly sarcasm, I'm sure you'd be delighted to know how much this thread has actually affected me though) to try and connect in that fashion. It just reminds me of why I can't connect to other veterans or any other f*cking people at all. I am not strong enough to and I am too pissed off at any given time for no real reason.

Sorry, I can't f*cking explain anymore

So I am sorry that I intruded on y'all. and no, I'm not being a snob. sorry for arguing and continuing all this crap on even damn further.

 

[Zipperhead]

Well, after all that, a pause,,,,,,,,,,,

Okay. Sea, everyone here has expressed that you are welcome. Your rants seem to bite abit though. I won't call them personnal attacks. I won't say that you are goading people into confrontation. I think you are doing your utmost to either push us away (so you can say you were right that you didn't fit in) or to prove to yourself that we will accept you no matter what you say. It doesn't really work that way Sea. You are welcome here, and you are free to vent. But don't accuse us, and try to stay away from derogatory terms in referance to us. We are here to support you. So why not just come back in, say hi, and start all over? If you want to belong, maybe you just need to trust. No one here is trying to test you. Hell, we don't even know who you are. But we will judge you by how you treat us. And so far, you seem abit demeaning. Your issues are not more important than ours. Your opinion is not more valid than ours. We are all here together. So play nice and accept that you are welcome, as long as you treat us with the respect we deserve.

 

[Anglesachse]

I think the thread has turned into that prime example of what religion can do. Instead of the Live and let Live theory, Most people judge others on their religion, Be it right or wrong. I see some horrible shit in NI, all from the IRA and the Catholic comunity, Yet again the Prods weren`t realy any better. I have a real issue with the Irish, I only need to here the Accent or see the Name, and I get all edgy. It doesn`t matter if they are Prod or Taig, I just couldn`t give a rats ass. I was In Bosnia and Kosovo, Mainly Catholic based religion. In Iraq, mainly Muslim. But religion doesn`t intrest me, because I live and let Live. I get sarky comments enough from others about my beliefs, but that is not because its different. Its mainly because they are to god damn blinkered to know any better. At home I have a room full of books, and I mean shit loads. I love reading, a right royal bookworm, I have a corner dedicated to anything on religion. From the Koran, Different versions of the Bible, Ancient Religions suchas the Maya, the Celts, the Norse/Germanic right through to Witchcraft, and Satanism. Why? My beliefs are based on bits of Others, I take what I want from which ever I want to "Help Me". You go find your f*cking own!

What I mean is, You want to talk relligion, then you have to accept my views on it, If you don`t wanna accept my views on it, then don`t talk religion. And I don`t just have the stuff for my beliefs. I have them so I can talk to others and comment on pretty sound ground about theirs.

But what I dispise of the most, are those that ram theirs down your neck. and don`t or can`t handle criticism.

I am a Pagan Brit, but yet I go to Chritsian Churches, You can`t beat a rendition of "And did those feet in Ancient times" or "I vow to thee my Country" get get us Brits all emotional, I have even been in Mosque. I have a Muslim acquaitance, and I take my shoes of before I go in his house. I get spoken to on a regular basis by Jehovah Witnesses, they have commented that it is a fun change to speek to me! (what ever that means) I go for a Thai Massage a couple of times a month, they are all Budhists. I have another acquaitance who is Wiccan, she even does the naked dance around the fire stuff. Do I care that they have different views and beliefs? NO!

Why Not? Because at the end of the day they are all "F*CKING HUMAN BEINGS" not that I like any better because of that

We are all grown men/women who have seen some bad shit. We all suffer in our own way, but at the end of the day we all suffer from the same shit. That alone should be grounds enough to bring us all together, baring that in mind, f*ck the religion shit. Religion has allienated people for centuries. GET OVER IT, FOR F*CKS SAKE!

Just my raving pagan rant for the day.

PS: Don`t forget that Jimmy started a "drunken rant" thread I love the idea. I can go there with a blurred head and rant away, and I don`t expect anybody to answer it. It`s just me letting of Alcohol induced steam. You want to read it? feel free, you want to answer to it? feel free. you want to take what I write seriously? Get a f*cking life, its the "Drunken Rant" thread.

 

[Wagon]

Hmmmm. Gettin a bit tense in here. Must find bottle.

 

[Jimmy1]

Sea,

What has been explained is that we have all been through trauma. If a normal person was to sit back and go through each of our traumas, then they could say, wow, he has had worse than this guy, and this other guy has had heaps of shit etc, etc.

But to a person with PTSD, their own traumas are the worst in the world.

We welcome you here, but can't handle people who beat themselves up constantly. We all get sad and depressed, that is the nature of the beast. Just cut yourself a break.

Your not a wus, your not weak. You just have PTSD with all the trimmings.

The only rules of this forum is that you are a veteran that has served in combat and that you treat people with respect. So if you want to rant and rave about how bad you feel and how much of a sad arse you are, feel free, just put it under a separate thread, call it Sea's Beat Himself Up Negative Talk Thread, that way we can ignore it and not read it.

If you want legitimate help in dealing with a particular symptom though, ask away and we will be happy to help.

f*cking religion and politics, two things that f*ck up the world and should not be discussed by us angry asses.

 

[Ned]

Sea, I'll go with what Jimmy said. Put a rant thread up. People can ignore it if they want to, but most will probably read it.
Point is, no-one will take it personally or think you are having a pop at them. And you get to vent it all out.
Press the pause button, look at how much you've got out, read through it and all the responses. And just remember some basics about communication.

 

[BV101]

Sea, what them guys said.

Reading through this, there was so many (I am seriosu here so bare with me) things that made me say "wow I'm liked that", you wouldn't believe. Way more that 2! :)
So, far from me to say stick around, I think you should, because we either all thrash around (no, not masturbation) on our own, or we all get together. Individual journeys, individual problems. But if nothing else, it gives you a place to just get things down. Nobody will feel you are a one eye, or a softie. I cry all the time, very rarely about football, and sometimes just have a mental collapse for no reason at all.

So don't worry love, chin up. My grandad who fought in Spain and knew a thing about stress and rifles used to say "don't worry, it will be alright in the end, and if its not alright, you aren't at the end yet". And he was great.

So it must be true.