Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse: Can't Accept What Happened

[Oga]

Thanks SO much, Meseh--you helped me more than you will ever know. I realized after reading what you wrote that I needed to put myself in his shoes. If he told me that he had homosexual fantasies due to abuse, I would of course be supportive, but I would always wonder what he was thinking about when he was with me. Thanks for helping me make that decision. I wish you all the best.

Phew! Thank God for this forum! It is a huge relief to talk about this in a place where others understand. I was feeling freakish and isolated.

 

[Gaduj]

Reply to "Oga": I am glad to help. I agree that this forum has really been helpful. I don't see a therapist, because I have too much anxiety about someone I know finding out about my history. I live in a small town where I grew up and now work professionally. I also have grown children who work in the same field as I do. The thought of them finding out something like this through the "not always professional grapevine" makes me keep this to myself. I would never put them through the humiliation. I feel like I am okay and have always been able to keep things in check. Although, after feeling the relief of finally admitting what happened in this forum, I honestly wish I did have a way to talk about it.

It's one thing to think about all of the things that went on, but when I went back and read what I posted, I was surprised by the way it made me feel. Seeing it in writing made it real for me. I obviously know it's real, but it suddenly became a complete thought and a coherent statement as opposed to random visual thoughts and memories and the physical reactions that come with those memories. I don't know how to explain any better, but I know the process of writing it down has definitely helped.

I may find someone to talk to someday, but I doubt it. I don't know if I will ever be able to come out from behind my anonymous status. I don't feel the benefits will ever outweigh the risks.

 

[Ihiru]

(This is Umem and Oga)
Gaduj, I completely hear what you are saying and am glad you have found a place to air your feelings anonymously. I too keep this information private, but somehow after seeing my Mom last week the memories and mixed-up feelings and fantasies became so overpowering and shameful that I needed to tell someone. I am so glad that I can come here and be understood. Thank you again.

 

[Alav]

OP here- can't remember all the names I've been given in the thread!

It is strange how writing about it makes it all seem real. I've felt like I've had to think about and face this head-on since starting this thread. I think being able to talk openly about it here is so helpful.

(((((Grouphug))))) I am really feeling for all of us who've been through this particular type of abuse.

 

[Onit]

(((Thanks, OP!))) (I guess I will just go by UMEM). It is funny how we can feel totally fine and like we have it all under control and then the awful feelings and memories just pop up and make life unbearable. I am feeling so awful that I am wondering about trying EMDR for some relief. Has anyone else tried it?

 

[Idil]

I am finding that the more I share the more I remember. I am stuck on certain details that may seem unimportant compared to the big picture, but I can't help it. I have been going in circles with it. I am also getting aroused by these details. It's more like watching a movie and less like a memory.

 

[Izav]

OP again. I've not tried EMDR and don't plan to until I feel I've exhausted things with my current therapist/therapy type. It sounds like a very difficult and scary form of therapy, but maybe I'm just a coward.

Idil, sorry you're feeling so bad about this. I know what you mean about it being like watching a movie, it's such a strange sensation. I think (but am unsure) I know what you mean about the small details being stuck. :(

 

[Emuwe]

Thanks Izav. The small details for me involve seeing a particular detail that is part of a bigger situation or scenario. For example, If I had to perform a particular act, I don't necessarily focus on the act as much as let's say, the way I was sitting in the chair, or the way she pushed my hair back behind my ears, or the way it looked when my abuser walked toward me and I knew what was about to happen, etc..... I don't know how else to describe it. When I see these innocent displays either on T.V. or in real life, I begin feeling like I did when I was a kid. This physical reaction then triggers my obsessive thought process.

 

[Koruh]

(OP again) Hey, yes that's what I thought you meant. I so get that and I wish you didn't, it's strange and weird and horrible. Makes the littlest 'normal' things turn into a trigger. I can remember stuff like the duvet that was on the bed that time, or the fact they left their socks on etc. It's horrible. (((hug)))

 

[Bovefu]

Really glad this thread is here. I'm just starting to process the sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of my mother. It's horrifying and awful. And I've felt so mixed up about it because she was so "overprotective" about sexual abuse publicly with me and my sister, but in spite of her protest was a completely different person behind closed doors. It's made me question my own head so much, but the flashbacks I've been having recently are awful and I can barely keep from throwing up sometimes.

 

[Iluzo]

You are all so brave to discuss this.