Mother Enables Abuser To Abuse

[austint]

I am really triggered right now. I had to get an email from my mom to my dad for my attorneys.

In it she says she never actually called social services on my and my daughter's abuser. He has full custody of her now and after he raped me again I started running, I threw out my phone because he would use it to stalk me. She lies in the email about being there for me, when it is all total fabrication.

When I was a teenager she strangled me, and when my abuser drove to her house drunk with my daughter in the car she told him to call the police on me. So he did and I got blamed for his abuse like always, and she of spied on me for him, then gave me false testimony in her affidavits to the courts, making me look like I committed perjury.

In the email she lies about that too, she blamed me for her lying, she says I told her what to write, that I forced her, amazing considering I had not seen her in months and she wouldn't answer my calls....

It hurts because I want to tell her that PTSD is like any other injury, physical, not a character defect, but she always called me her disease, and told me how sick I was. I know this is because she needs that power because some one hurt her very badly and I should pray for her. But I can't. I wan't to protect my child from her, I want to not be afraid of the lies she tells the courts, or that if she finds out where I live I will get raped again because she will tell him.

Is anyone else suffering like that? Where the people who are supposed to love you, who you are supposed to love use your diagnoses to control you and abuse you? I have worked hard to keep myself safe from her, but how do you start to deal, I can't forgive her this time, so how do I let the pain and terror go?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have to go on a long journey with a qualified therapist and perhaps get in touch with a rape crises place for your help and support.

I hear you. I think you need to focus on your own healing and recovery before you even think of forgiveness. I think it is more important for you to heal and recover than forgive. mabe forgiveness will come much later on, but never forget what happened and get involved again. Disconnect when you are able.

If you need to talk PM me and I will listen and support you. I wish you well. Hugs.

 

[Rizen]

Can you find justice?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

One or two times I experienced justice but it took a long time. I am sorry if this has not helped you, I understand the need for justice. It is righteous anger and it needs to be expressed. You need it. But it most often does not happen for me.

 

[austint]

Thanks gizmo, I am connected with those kind of organizations, and I did disconnect as best I could. She doesn't know where I live and I threw out my old phone, closed old email accounts. I just want to keep my daughter safe from her, and I want all those good things I have done in my life, that make me more than her little disease to count for something. I know I can't forgive her in the traditional sense, but how do we make peace with the people we love that will never be capable of understanding PTSD, or maybe, they chose not to because it makes it easy to keep you as an escape goat.

She is now the only link my daughter has to me, and I know she won't ever report his child abuse, so disconnecting is a double edged sword.

And @Rizen , what do you mean by justice?

I don't do revenge. In November I tried connecting with her one last time, but she of course never answered and told my dad that she did answer and I was hallucinating, then she emailed me to kill myself. I got so mad I texted er and quoted her words back to her. I didn't mean it, I don't want her to hurt herself, it just freaked me out to even have such anger inside me. So I tossed out my phone and focused on therapy. Still, is there vindication through the legal system, really, idk?

I don't want to sit inside for the next three days because I am ashamed and afraid of her and then think of all the other butt heads that got me here. Any techniques besides deep breathing-that is a trigger for me, oddly enough.

[DOUBLEPOST=1400117837,1400117742][/DOUBLEPOST]Me neither, I have found in dealing with the legal system that if you have any sort of mental "illness" you are automatically untrustworthy, poor, and promiscuous, no matter how much you prove the contrary

 

[Rizen]

That's horrible. I hope you and your daughter can escape that situation. Emails might be used as evidence or something to help prove the abuser is abusive. That's along the lines of what I meant.

 

[Rizen]

I'm really sorry all that is happening.

Sorry for the double post; I couldn't edit the last post but wanted to say I hope things get better
:(

 

[austint]

Thanks, that's why I am getting e mails, but still triggered. I know i wont sleep tonight or go outside or use my phone tomorrow. I am so tired of this cycle.

 

[Fadeaway]

@austint Your mom sounds so much like me grandmother. You aren't the one who is diseased, she is. You have to let her go. I know it is hard, I spent years begging my grandmother for love, but she isn't capable of it. Yet, all this time I haven't stopped wanting.

I understand that discontinuing any contact with breaks a link with your daughter, but how can you heal for your daughters sake with her in your life? Hey, I should be taking my own advice lol. Easier said than done.

How do you make peace? By understanding her own issues and why she is the way she is. Realizing she has her own inner demons that she can't confront so she takes it out on you because you are an easy target.

 

[jmni]

When you are ready to forgive, it will happen but that doesn't really seem feasible right now. You have enough to worry about without focusing on abstract challenges like forgiving people who have harmed you. It's like crazy-making stress that cannot really be relieved. In a way its dangerous because in some way you must feel bad for someone who is very toxic and if someone that is malicious wants to exploit you they can always play the guilt card. Try forgiving yourself, so you wont feel shame and guilt for her actions.

For those of us that grow up around people who are basically terrorists, psychotic behavior can seem normal. Something that gave me relief was accepting that they are crazy. Once I saw them as insane their words meant nothing and could not hurt me anymore. In addition to that accepting that someone is crazy means they're dangerous and it was important for me to see them for what they are.

If all communication with her is all risk and no reward, then you can't throw away that safety. You must be exhausted but I think that you should try to get out into the sun, meditate, and exercise for a week instead of staying in, even if it feels weird. It can do a lot of good and at this point you've made progress, even though you might not see it. When people are in your position, they tend to give up, so I think that it would be better to focus yourself on not giving up.

If you are really feeling scared maybe you could use a vpn, install a key scrambler, and some antivirus software on your computer. And install a camera in the house or something, even if nothing ever happens just to give yourself some peace of mind. You could also write a list of promises such as, I will not communicate with anyone if it puts me at risk in person, over the phone, in email, and no matter how I feel, if I am depressed, lonely, freaking out...