Relationship Mother of Children, Ex Girlfriend Wants to Leave for Good

[Kenjyn]

When my vet is having sexual issues, I let him instigate. He knows I’m doing that too, because I tell him. “I know you’re not feeling it now, so I’ll back off. When you’re interested again, it’s all good”. I’ve found that helps with the rejection and being made to feel like some kind of unreasonable sex maniac.

His lack of drive doesn’t make my drive wrong.

That's true, and something I will have to keep in mind. Me blaming myself for things is something that I have to work on for myself in general, though. It's something I struggle with in all my relationships nowadays.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Me blaming myself for things is something that I have to work on for myself in general, though.

That’s very very easy to do when you’re the supporting partner, especially when stress reactions involve lashing out and blame. Just because she blames you for something doesn’t make it true. I admit I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I’ll be damned if I take responsibility for the things going on in my sufferer’s head.

 

[Kenjyn]

That’s very very easy to do when you’re the supporting partner, especially when stress reactions involve lashing out and blame. Just because she blames you for something doesn’t make it true. I admit I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I’ll be damned if I take responsibility for the things going on in my sufferer’s head.

Reading threads here made me see that that's true. It's strange, though, I blame myself even more now that I know that, because I used to be really good at separating myself from the issues, and got worse over time. I'm hoping to be better with it over time.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Compassion fatigue is real. It can be easy for resentment and exhaustion to set in after awhile, especially if your partner has been particularly unwell.

Don’t forget to take some space for yourself and practice good self care. Also make sure to get your kids out for some fun and non-stressful time if she’s really symptomatic too.

 

[Kenjyn]

Compassion fatigue is real. It can be easy for resentment and exhaustion to set in after awhile, especially if your partner has been particularly unwell.

Don’t forget to take some space for yourself and practice good self care. Also make sure to get your kids out for some fun and non-stressful time if she’s really symptomatic too.

That's the plan, should be easier to separate and grow myself since we no longer live together.

 

[Kenjyn]

Well, I guess I should be careful what I wish for. I was asking how she would ever see I improved if she never gave me a chance to demonstrate, and I just got my chance to demonstrate.

Last night, she asked me to stay over her place so I could watch the kids today while she reorganized her room and the kids' room. I said okay, and watched the kids until she was done today. I asked her if she wanted me to leave, and she said no, I could stay to spend more time with the kids, which I did. She was clearly stressed, and I was concerned about her, so I tried to comfort her, but she didn't want it. She was somewhat cruel in telling me that she didn't want it, but that's okay, I thought, I know it's not necessarily me.

Around 50 minutes ago (the time it takes to drive from her place + me typing this), I laid down with my son, because I was tired, and wanted to cuddle him. She told me that he was not allowed to take a nap, because it was too late in the day. That was fine, except she said it in a VERY bossy/condescending/rude way. So, I did not respond to her, and continued cuddling my son, tickling him when he started to drift off, since she is the one who would be up all night with him if I let him nap. After a while, she freezes, and angrily says "Did I, or did I not, tell you that he is not allowed to take a nap?" I said yes, you did, but I didn't respond because of your tone, and I am not okay with her speaking to me like she's barking orders at a dog. She went on for a bit, told me that she DIDN'T use that tone of voice with me, and is only using it now because I'm not listening, to which I told her that that's not how I heard it, but I'm sorry if that's what she intended. "No, you're only mad now because I'm angry." That's not true, but okay. "If you're going to disrespect me like this, you're not welcome in my house."

Instead of crying, and pleading, and breaking down, this time, I said "Okay, I would still like to be your friend, and hang out with you, but I'm not willing to be spoken to like this. Let me know if you can accept that. Good bye." So, it looks like @Friday wasn't far from the money on the control stuff. I kind of hit my breaking point, here, though. I honestly don't feel much about the situation. I have a headache, but that's pretty much it. If she wants to respect me and be my friend, that's fine. If not, we'll just co-parent. I don't have the energy to deal with her refusing to believe there's any problems, and blaming things on me anymore.

The funny thing is, right before this, I talked to her about how it feels as though she's being unnecessarily hostile towards me, and that, if there was anything she wanted to talk about, I was there, and she went off on a long tangent about how if there are issues, they're my issues, because she doesn't feel anything for me, and she knows exactly how she feels. She feels the best she has in a long time. Somehow, I doubt that. I do worry for her. I hope that she truly gets the help she needs. I know I'll be getting the help I need.

Anyway, I'm thinking of calling or texting her in a day or two, and apologizing for talking to her in a way that made her feel disrespected, but reaffirming that that's a boundary I have set up. Not sure if I'll really do that, but we'll see.

We had a great day yesterday, though. It was very refreshing. It just all came down today. Hopefully I handled it appropriately, or at least more appropriately, and she'll see that, and we'll see what happens from there. Again, thank you all for being here through this extremely difficult situation. You're all invaluable to me.

EDIT: She also left a group chat that was me, her, my sisters, and my older sister's fiance. I do feel bad for making her feel worse like that, but I'm not sure what I would have done differently, really. That likely would have had to happen at some point, anyway.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Anyway, I'm thinking of calling or texting her in a day or two, and apologizing for talking to her in a way that made her feel disrespected,

Hell no... you didn’t do anything to apologize for. SHE is responsible for how she feels. You didn’t disrespect her, SHE feels disrespected. Not your fault, not your responsibility.

Don’t take responsibility for thing going on in her head.

 

[Kenjyn]

Hell no... you didn’t do anything to apologize for. SHE is responsible for how she feels. You didn’t disrespect her, SHE feels disrespected. Not your fault, not your responsibility.

Don’t take responsibility for thing going on in her head.

I suppose that's true. I figured I should apologize because I likely did seem like I was just ignoring her and laying him down for a nap anyway, but that is also an issue with her perception. I always wind up "swallowing my pride" and apologizing for things, on the off chance it really was my fault, but maybe I shouldn't so much.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You weren’t ignoring her, you just weren’t responding to her bullshit. That’s different. You explained your boundary and she didn’t respect it.

If you knuckle under she’ll continue to treat you this way.

 

[Kenjyn]

You weren’t ignoring her, you just weren’t responding to her bullshit. That’s different. You explained your boundary and she didn’t respect it.

If you knuckle under she’ll continue to treat you this way.

Well, that certainly has been the history, haha. It's just kinda hard since I do love her so much, and want everything to just be okay, but apologizing for things that aren't me has the opposite effect. That's why I wasn't sure I would actually do it. Now I almost definitely won't, as long as I don't have some absurd moment of weakness. Thank you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Instead of crying, and pleading, and breaking down, this time, I said "Okay, I would still like to be your friend, and hang out with you, but I'm not willing to be spoken to like this. Let me know if you can accept that. Good bye."

Go you!

Hell no... you didn’t do anything to apologize for. SHE is responsible for how she feels. You didn’t disrespect her, SHE feels disrespected. Not your fault, not your responsibility.

100% agreed!

 

[Sweetpea76]

It seems “mean”, but what you just did was communicate and reinforce a boundary correctly.

You told her, “I do not tolerate being spoken to like that”, she pitched a hissy, and you didn’t tolerate it by calmly removing yourself from the situation. She just saw that you meant what you said. Now she’s still pitching hissy and lashing out by removing you from a group chat.

How much of that is her problem, and her problem only? All of it.

You did zero wrong. This is exactly how you reinforce a boundary. Textbook.

Either she’ll learn to respect your boundary, or you’ll know she isn’t going to ever respect your needs. Do you want to be with somebody who can’t respect you?