Relationship Mother of Children, Ex Girlfriend Wants to Leave for Good

[Kenjyn]

Go you!



100% agreed!

It seems “mean”, but what you just did was communicate and reinforce a boundary correctly.

You told her, “I do not tolerate being spoken to like that”, she pitched a hissy, and you didn’t tolerate it by calmly removing yourself from the situation. She just saw that you meant what you said. Now she’s still pitching hissy and lashing out by removing you from a group chat.

How much of that is her problem, and her problem only? All of it.

You did zero wrong. This is exactly how you reinforce a boundary. Textbook.

Either she’ll learn to respect your boundary, or you’ll know she isn’t going to ever respect your needs. Do you want to be with somebody who can’t respect you?

No, I don't. I appreciate the positive feedback from the both of you. I'm sure it's relatable, the feeling that I did something wrong, even though I know I didn't really. Minor correction, though. She removed herself from the group chat. Not that that impacts anything, haha.

Seriously, though, thank you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’ve been there... my sufferer had issues with lashing out verbally. Combat vets tend to “fight” in fight or flight situations... so he could get aggressive and intimidating, even though he’s never laid a finger on me. He’s way bigger than me, and I just could not live like that. I had to implement a boundary like this. I won’t be yelled at or towered over. Period. I will leave. He learned I was serious. He very rarely gets like that any more.

 

[Kenjyn]

I’ve been there... my sufferer had issues with lashing out verbally. Combat vets tend to “fight” in fight or flight situations... so he could get aggressive and intimidating, even though he’s never laid a finger on me. He’s way bigger than me, and I just could not live like that. I had to implement a boundary like this. I won’t be yelled at or towered over. Period. I will leave. He learned I was serious. He very rarely gets like that any more.

Yeah, it's definitely no fun. I think part of me worrying is that her Mom hates me, and a lot of her friends don't like me, because they're also toxic and I've expressed that in the past, so she'll wind up saying something, and it'll be an echo chamber of "Yeah, he's the worst, you're right," which will hurt her in the end. That's why I had issues with her friends to begin with. They're incredibly toxic, and don't help her at all. She's cut them off so many times because she recognizes it too, but then she starts talking to them again, because she "forgets that she wasn't talking to them," or similar. She explains it as either they're the only ones who were there for her for the whole time she's known them, which is not true, hence her cutting them off so much, or that she's just been friends with them for so long, so she can't just not be their friends anymore.

I don't have an issue with her surrounding herself with whoever she wants, and she does have two actually good friends that I know of, but it bites that they feed into her unwellness.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Repeat after me... “f*ck it”.

If she is going to do that, than she doesn’t love or respect you. Do you want to be with somebody who doesn’t love you?

You hit a zen point in all of this. This is another lesson I’ve had to learn. I love my guy to death. We’ve been together almost 7 years. He’s my life... but if he didn’t love me and didn’t respect me I wouldn’t want to be with him. You can’t force it. I can’t love him enough for the both of us. I can’t love his PTSD away. All I can do is be the best me I can be. I do that, and if he can’t respect that, I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than be with somebody who didn’t respect me. Staying with somebody who doesn’t love or respect you isn’t romantic or “loyal”, it’s codependent. If he isn’t well enough to be in a relationship, I can’t make a relationship work no matter how hard I try.

 

[Kenjyn]

Repeat after me... “f*ck it”.

If she is going to do that, than she doesn’t love or respect you. Do you want to be with somebody who doesn’t love you?

You hit a zen point in all of this. This is another lesson I’ve had to learn. I love my guy to death. We’ve been together almost 7 years. He’s my life... but if he didn’t love me and didn’t respect me I wouldn’t want to be with him. You can’t force it. I can’t love him enough for the both of us. I can’t love his PTSD away. All I can do is be the best me I can be. I do that, and if he can’t respect that, I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than be with somebody who didn’t respect me. Staying with somebody who doesn’t love or respect you isn’t romantic or “loyal”, it’s codependent. If he isn’t well enough to be in a relationship, I can’t make a relationship work no matter how hard I try.

Yep, I'm seeing that, especially now. I think that's part of why her not wanting to go to therapy anymore hurt so bad, because the minute she said that it meant, to me, that she didn't care about our relationship as much as I do. I believed that we could be better together if we went, and could be better at expressing ourselves towards one another, but at this point, it's beyond that. If we fall in love in the future, after weve grown, fine, but at this point I feel like I'm over it. It's clear it won't work, the way we are. But, of course, we'll see how I feel tomorrow morning. Emotions are funny like that.

 

[Kenjyn]

Well, I woke up a while ago, and it was still easy. It's getting harder throughout the day, though. I just wish I could help her. I know I can't, though, and it hurts. Especially since her issue right now is with me. She needs her space