Mother's Threatening Behavior

[sugnim]

I have recently decided to try to set some healthy boundaries with my mother concerning the types of behavior and language I will tolerate. I have tried to explain these boundaries clearly and in a loving way to her. (my letter to her is here) She, as I expected, is not respecting these boundaries. She has been sending hurtful and ugly texts, saying awful things about me to my family, and this morning she has threatened to show up at my office. I had to talk with the women who are in the front area at my office to explain the situation to them, in case she does show up. It was an embarrassing conversation to have, like I am coming out about my dysfunctional family. I will also have to talk with my son's preschool teacher in case my mother decides to show up there. It has been very difficult to work on healing and becoming a more peaceful person when my mother is constantly stirring things up. I am also afraid that people will judge me for her behaviors, and for my response to them. I do not want to be seen as unstable, untrustworthy, or uncaring.

I don't really have a question. I'm just putting this out there in case someone can relate. Thanks.

 

[Lee2001]

Wow this sounds familiar. So sorry you have to deal with these situations. It is so challenging to have to explain to others your situation and then just hope other people do not judge you based on your family. I hear ya on this. That is awesome that you are setting boundaries with your mom and working on your self. I applaud this as I find it difficult to do this.

 

[Neverthesame]

I can't so much relate, as I don't share your troubles. But I want to applaud you for your very eloquently written letter, plus the courage it took to put your foot down for the happiness and safety of your family.

I also want to mention that...

I am also afraid that people will judge me for her behaviors, and for my response to them. I do not want to be seen as unstable, untrustworthy, or uncaring.

Just as your mother's behaviour and reactions to life is on her. Same goes with the rest of the world. All you can do is all you can do.
You can't control other peoples thinking, any more than you can your mother's. They will just have to make their own judgments. Though if you're half as rational as you seem to be here. I wouldn't worry.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[sugnim]

Thanks to both of you.

My mother has been texting me each morning with a barrage of ugly shit. What a way to start each day! I'm trying to relax, but my heart is pounding & my stomach is twisted into knots. I also have this double-think thing happening in that I simultaneously worry that she will do something crazy, threatening, or violent, and I also think that she would never do such a thing.

I hate this.

 

[Lee2001]

Sorry and hope your day goes better. Isn't it challenging how you think they are capable of doing something extreme but then second guess it and just think it's not possible? Yeah I go through this a lot and T has to help me figure it out! If your family is this way toward you have you considered distancing your self from them; well I mean cutting them off? That is what I am in the process of doing... very emotional and scary though.

 

[Keen]

I can totally relate to this. It is so difficult to have a mom like this. One thing that I've done--in case you want to try it--is I have had a friend screen all texts that come from my mom. I'll wait till my friend and I are together and she will read through any that have come and she'll usually just delete them, or she'll tell me generals about what they said. That way I don't have to personally deal with the awfulness of them and their emotional impact.

 

[J'qel]

Soooo familiar.

You should know and understand: your mother's behaviour is not yours. What she does reflects on *her* not you. You are not her mother, she is not your willful disobedient child. She's your mother. She's an adult in her own right.If she chooses to act badly in public, that's not your problem to fix, that's on her.

If her texts are truly upsetting you and you can't stop reading them, and she will not stop sending them, you may have to block her number. My first goto would be to delete them after a cursory skim. Don't read, look for key words instead like "sick" or "hospital" or similar. If there aren't any important key words in the text, delete them. Again, if that's not possible, block her number.

I had to remove my mother from my FB (I never honestly should have added her, but we live in the same city and I'm still waiting for her to explode over that-I'm not sure she's realized it yet) and it's been much better. She's a very..religious conservative and I am very liberal egalitarian. She still hasn't realized that the reason her food is so bad at one of the pubs we occasionally meet at is because she talked about how anyone on minimum wage was a lazy bum who didn't deserve better in a nigh shout (most waitresses don't make much more than that).

I still have to apologize for her, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. You (unfortunately) get used to it-and when you realize it's her making herself look bad-it's a lot easier to do.

I still screen my calls-she can be pretty damned vicious and we've talked about boundaries and she's never respected them.

She's on good behaviour now, but I think she's had a talking to-either her Pastor told her to mind herself when she was expecting sympathy or my father gave her another ultimatum about her behaviour driving me and my sibling away...... or she wants something. I have no idea. I'll take what I can get while I can get it. At the moment, it's been almost a month and I'm waiting for it to explode (as it inevitably does).

In short: I totally get what you're going through. You're taking teh right steps to minimize the harm she can do, though if you can't get her to behave better via text, you should block her number, and you need to realize her actions reflect on *her* not you. *YOU* have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty over, She's a grown adult, if she can't behave that's her responsibility and reputation, not yours.

She may be the one who gestated you, but by now, you've probably paid that back in full with taxes and interest. You don't owe her, and if she wants to act like a spoiled child, then she can reap the benefits thereof.