Moving And Triggers

[shimmerz]

Okay, it is official. I am moving from Toronto, Canada to Santa Monica USA. My better half got his VISA yesterday.

I have been super sick the past few weeks. When I am sick I cannot move, have somatic responses and appear to be unconscious for 24 or more hours at a time. I am staring down three very large triggers.
1. Moving - I must get rid of everything in the house before I leave Dec 1.
2. Crossing the border - This is a very difficult one. I am terrified of being interrogated as my husband was, (or even asked a single question) . I will drop on the floor a convulsing ball of nerves (No lie)
3. Am I better to fly or drive? I feel like the airport experience will be too much for me and at least if I drive I can take 'breaks'.

I feel like I have been sick the past week for this reason - although with Christmas coming up it could be that as well. My poor man is at a loss as to what to do to help me. Me too. This is really scaring me. Does anyone have any thoughts or encouraging words?

 

[desiderata310]

Have your therapist write a letter if explanation and carry it with you?

 

[Justmehere]

Keep your eye on the goal. I have a friend who lives in Santa Monica. It's a different culture, which has its ups and downs, but it is a beautiful place. Topanga beach, is nearby, and one of my favorite places Southern California. The sound of the waves and ocean are so relaxing.

As far as flying or driving - it's almost essential to have a car when living in or near the LA area. Driving would allow you to take breaks, maybe see some sights along the way, and have a car that you are already used to when you get there. It might give you more of a sense of freedom and comfort.

American airports are a little extra stressful right now because of anxiety about a certain infectious disease - it's doable, but may be worth avoiding since it's already triggery. However, it would make the experience go more quickly to fly than the many more hours it would take to drive.

 

[joeylittle]

First off - that's so great!! Moving is for sure stressful, but I think it's just wonderful that you are getting quite far away from where you are now.

@Justmehere is right about the necessity of a car in LA. However, if you would be driving alone with a car full of suitcases, I think you will be questioned by the border patrol beyond the normal questions about tourism. Given what you've said about the anxiety you'd be triggered into, I don't know that driving alone is a good idea. If your better half would be with you, there will still be questions, but they can do them.

Flying, your odds of being taken out of line are slimmer. But even here, your paperwork will matter. Are you coming in as a tourist initially, and staying with a friend (your partner) or are you coming in on a visa of your own? (I'm not quite sure from your post if you're married or not, but I think there's paperwork for that as well.)

I only had to deal with this once, and the other direction - I was working in canada and a friend drove my car up with some stuff of mine and his - he was planning on staying with me for about a month and a half. It was probably more complicated because it wasn't his car, it was mine - but he and I were both surprised that he was detained for about 2 hours while they checked his bank account balance, questioned him a lot about whether he'd be working in canada, and they also verified my employment and MY visa.

Not saying all this to be alarmist. But I think the first thing to sort out is how you are going to describe your status when crossing. I think there's paperwork for everything, whether you're a spouse, friend, tourist, student, etc.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

In terms of the anxiety about moving in general, I would say (assuming you're looking forward to being in Santa Monica) post yourself a picture that will remind you of why you are moving.

Flying gets you there fast and so you have to see if it's worth the the triggers. I have no idea which would trigger me more in that situation honestly. Either way I would pack a kit of things that will help you to stay grounded or focused or eases anxiety. I carry one with me every day. It includes things like written messages and strategies, a bouncy ball, rocks to hold, and peppermints.

When thinking about packing and getting rid of things in your house, maybe set small goals. Figure out how many weeks there are and the tasks that need to be done (by room or by category like furniture, clothes, etc.) and set a goal for each week. Each day if you can. I find that kind of planning helpful.

Maybe having a note from a doctor or therapist stating you have PTSD would be helpful to hand to to someone trying to question you, but maybe not. I have no idea and I think it might make me more anxious to hand that over to someone, yet it has the potential for people to correctly interrupt why you might be freaking out.

 

[ghotiff]

I have flown into the USA many times and I get quite visibly scared on occasion. What I have learned is that fear is fine to show if you are also open to trying to let them do their job.

I have also found that Americans tend to be really nice and helpful when I'm lost or confused in airports.

I like the letter idea. Maybe it could just say that you are prone to panic attacks and list some things to do/avoid if you are in one, eg no touching. You could also have a couple of phone numbers for support people should you have a panic attack (or something similar). This might make you feel more secure.

 

[shimmerz]

Have your therapist write a letter if explanation and carry it with you?

Great idea. I have just contacted my T-doc whom I haven't seen in quite some time as my regular doctor is in BC on vacation which is complicating all of this. Thank you for this.

but may be worth avoiding since it's already triggery

Agreed, I am terrified, because I am prone to catatonic behaviour that I am going to be triggered (and it happens so quickly with me) and I simply cannot respond. People respond very poorly to this I have found. They feel I am being purposely defiant. I feel like if I am in a car it might be a better thing because my car is safe and there are not people walking all around me which always seems to 'put me out'.

that you are getting quite far away from where you are now.

Oh yes! Thank you so much for this. I am really hoping that this changes the quality of my life without having to worry about who is around me. Funny story - My plan was to visit Belize during the summer. I found out my ex tormentor bought a place in Belize when I mentioned it to someone who knew both of us. Out of all the places..... But yes, it would be fabulous if I could just 'get away' and start again.

staying with a friend (your partner)

I will be staying with my 'friend'. We are not married and that complicates things. He will be working on a way to keep me down there when we get there. First he had to secure his crossing. We will see.

It was probably more complicated because it wasn't his car, it was mine

This is exactly what I was going to do - drive his car down and leave mine. My son warned me that this was a bad idea. This is why I am so overwhelmed. I am just not thinking things through properly and don't think about how people (border dudes) think - suspicious etc.

describe your status when crossing

This is important. I am going to see a friend who has been an online friend from another trauma board for years. She is terminally ill and as luck would have it this opportunity came up just after she let me know how ill she was. So, New Mexico it is originally to see her as we had always promised each other we would. I wish it was under different circumstances though.

post yourself a picture that will remind you of why you are moving.

This is such a great idea. I am using Pinterist to build a 'storyboard' of potential, visualizations, hopes, dreams, ideas. It has helped me get through the nitty gritty of getting rid of stuff. An interesting sidenote to this is that I am building a persona through this - quite literally and finding it much easier to let go of the bad of the past. Purging everything I have, Every little thing. I feel like this is the only way this will work. It is helping me work through my trigger of 'moving'. I am not moving my stuff - just me. Go figure.

maybe set small goals

Such a great plan and I am attempting to adhere to it. It helps with the overwhelmedness (if that is a word to anyone else except myself). Clothes are done, friends and family are coming to take what they can use etc. Biggest garage sale EVER.

yet it has the potential for people to correctly interrupt why you might be freaking out.

I so hope this is the case. My number one fear is that I will go catatonic in 3/4's of a nanosecond and people will beat the crap out of me (which has happened in hospitals before) because I won't respond to their questions. OMG. I just have to believe it will be okay. I can't do another of those and hold onto my sanity I swear.

Maybe it could just say that you are prone to panic attacks and list some things to do/avoid if you are in one

This would be great if they were just panic attacks (I mean no disrespect by this statement). I go completely still. Mute, frozen, eyes open and completely aware of people yelling because I won't respond (can't respond), etc etc etc. It is like being the main character of a horror flick.

So overwhelming. Thank you so much for your ideas. They have been super helpful. Please if you don't mind, if you see this posted to again if you could just take a quick peek if you feel you may have more ideas for me. I would so appreciate it. In all honesty, I am terrified. I am not doing anything wrong but I am still terrified.

 

[joeylittle]

I think you're handling it all very well. You're allowed to be scared - it's a big move.

Seriously: read this over Link Removed
And this: http://travel.gc.ca/destinations/united-states

I have to be honest - a letter from your doctor isn't going to matter unless it is part of an official form provided either by the US or Canada. I'm pretty sure it's actually the kind of thing that could get you detained. They are only allowed to interact with the approved forms - anything else is an anomaly. Asking them to read and consider just a letter is like asking them to break the law; I know that sounds strange, but that's how it works.

But the links above will show you ways to make your crossing really smooth. I wasn't able to spend enough time searching for a disability form, but it wouldn't surprise me if there was one.

Consider shipping all your major belongings/luggage - the less you are taking across the border (by air or land), the less they have to possibly search.
Practice your responses to the standard questions - the first link (from the US) explains under what circumstances you are allowed to enter the country. You need answers that match those requirements, and nothing more. It looks like you can do up to 6 months as a visitor, but I can't tell if you need special clearance for that - but be ready with your exit date, to specify exactly where you will be during your visit, and make sure your host knows that they might get a phone call.
Don't say the wrong thing, even if it's the truth - it looks to me like if you are entering as a tourist but have plans to convert your status, you need to have a special form filled out. I'd say don't bother, just don't tell them that you are moving in with your partner who is on a visa and you are possibly going to try and obtain a visa also. That will get you denied. (I was once technically on a business trip, did not realize my employer was planning on me calling it tourism, called it business, and was denied crossing. All it was for was for a weekend meeting. Sigh)

If you really do need to get that car across the border, and it is registered to your partner, I don't think you want to be going to NM to see another friend, unless it's part of a loop trip. I think you want to be visiting your partner, and you are planning to fly back. There's nothing wrong with that; it's actually the truth. Your HOPE is that you stay in-country longer, but right now, it's not a plan.

And if you are driving - can you get a friend to come with you?

 

[shimmerz]

Looks like I won't be driving and will be forced to fly. Yikes! California allows me only to drive in the state with a California license so that is the end of that. His employer is finding an apartment for us and has NO idea my sensitivies and now I can't even drive. I just feel so out of control. My beloved says not to worry as I can Uber it to the beach. Sounds great except I am terrified of people and crowds.

Thanks @joeylittle . It is true, I will be there for 5 or so months and then coming back here for the summer. If my better half continues to work in California for longer than the year long VISA he has then we will reconsider how we do this. Six months away from him (he is my safety) is going to be VERY challenging to say the least.

This is all so up in the air and although he is very good at understanding he doesn't get how much this is spinning me around. Seriously, I was wishing for this before it happened as some may recall from another posting, now it is here and brings its own set of issues. I so wish I wasn't so sensitive.

I got an appointment with my T-doc at noon tomorrow who knows me very well but whom I haven't seen in some time. I am so spun out right now I don't even know what to ask him at this point. Heavy sigh.....

 

[shimmerz]

Well, here I am, sitting in my mostly empty house. My beloved is in Manhattan for the next 3 days and then next week we are full steam ahead. I am taking his car and most definitely will tell the border people as you suggested @joeylittle that I am staying with my SO in Santa Monica. Thank you so much for that.

I have a friend who will be driving with me (we decided on the car based on these posts so I thank you all very much). I will be happy to walk away from here and am not excited yet (there just seems so much to do), but am looking forward to new beginnings.

I am, however, having dreams some nights (which is unusual for me as I usually have nightmares). Dreams that people keep calling my name (my real name) and I don't answer to it. Dreams that I look totally different. Dreams that people call me on the phone and I don't know who they are. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out I don't think but would love to hear if this has happened to anyone else who has moved to a far away land. Thank you all for all of your help. It is really sorting me out.

 

[desiderata310]

@shimmerz I had serious stress dreams when I picked up and moved across the country this time last year. Mostly about not finding my kids, luggage, the cat getting loose on the plane, being homeless (I moved without a place to live and really WAS technically homeless for about a month)

I completely dissolved into tears when I flew to my new home because they wouldn't let me take my wrench through security! I was quite a site. I missed my connecting flight, got stranded in a strange town had to go back through security and they stopped me THERE (not the first time I went through security with it) and there I sat, covered with fur from a super stressed cat, standing at the check in counter begging them to let me check my WRENCH with the luggage that was already on the plane. I managed to get an old friend (who was local it turned out) to go and pick up my beloved wrench and mail it to me. It was the first and only time I have ever had a drink at 8 am in the morning. I was tired, stressed, dirty (no clean clothes), covered in fur and walked up to the airport bar and asked for a shot. I cried all the way to my destination. Got settled in and cried some more. I had stress dreams about the move for two months after.

It might have been a little traumatic for me hahah!

Having stress dreams is totally normal and I think you have made a very good decision to drive down with a friend.

 

[shimmerz]

OMG @desiderata310 yes! All of these things play in my mind. I suppose it would have been naive of me to think that the healing would not have to involve a quantum shift of everything. I spent so much time with somatic responses, intellectualizing things, changing relationships, belief systems. I guess this is the BIG TEST. What am I really made of? Yikes!

Fears. All fears. This feels like a symphony crescendo. Or having the opportunity to get my PhD in - well - 'me'.

I love your experience about the 'beloved wrench'. It is lovely, endearing and a testament of your strength and determination. Only we could understand this. You are so lovely to share.

PS - I so hope your cat is settled now.....

Thanks for the encouragement - each of you.