Moving Out Of My Own Head To Help Her?

[AngryRugby]

My fiancee has been a major anchor and support for me through some very down periods that I have experienced throughout our relationship, however, she is about to experience an incredibly down period herself. Her Meme (Grandmother) has been suffering with Alzheimer's disease and is showing signs of worsening, not improving. Her Meme has been her primary support throughout her life, and therefore the lose of her will make a major impact on her. How best can I "move past my own head and thoughts" and supply her with all of the support she requires? I have, in the past, been able to support her fully through minor ventures such as going back to school (we are in our mid-20s), but she has never required this level of support before.
I, myself, do have experience with witnessing a family member suffer with Alzheimer's, as my Grandfather suffered from it during the later stages of his life, however due to the unsupportive nature of my family, have no example to base my support of her on.
Any ideas/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This may sound a bit counter intuitive, but....

I think that the best way that you can help her is by helping yourself. I often use the airplane oxygen mask analogy. Before you can help anyone else, you must put the mask on yourself! The same goes with life. If we want to be the best for those around us, we must make self-care a top priority. By being the best that you can be, you can be the best for her, too.

Please don't run yourself ragged by feeling that you need to be there for her 24/7. I think that if you go this route, you are more likely to have your symptoms spike and things will go downhill all around. Rather, if you can balance things out.....enable yourself to have time for yourself, and then also be there for her when she needs it. (Does this make sense?) I think if you can find a healthy balance, even though you won't be there for her 24/7, the support you do give her will be of a higher quality.

I hope I'm being clear....I'm not saying to ditch her if she's having a crisis when you've got other plans. Rather, don't feel like you have to always be there to rescue her. Grief is a funny, funny animal, and no two people go through it the same way.

Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? It would probably be good to read up on them. "Stages" is a bit of a misnomer because not everyone goes through all 5 stages, and there is no specific order.

I say grief is a funny animal because the grandparent I despised.... well, his death caused the most grief out of anyone who has passed on. I would cycle from perfectly fine, to angry as hell and ready to take out anyone/everyone, to feeling like the world was crushing me and sobbing uncontrollably. Now repeat this throughout the day many times.....and for someone I never really liked and caused much pain to my whole family. I guess you can see why it was extremely confusing for me?

So I guess I share that just to say that there is no way to determine exactly how your fiancee will react.... But, you can indeed be there for her. Oh, and don't be too concerned if the grief stage goes on awhile. When my grandfather died (the other one), my dad was a completely different person. It was to the point where I mentally said "ok, bye dad, hope you come back to us someday!" Sure enough, two years later and he was back to his old self.

 

[AngryRugby]

@Solara That is really great advice. I have heard of the "5 stages" as I have sadly lost many (2 best friends, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, 2 other friends). I also never experienced 5 stages, mostly just anger. The death that caused me the most severe issue was the death of my best friend by means of suicide. He has suffered the same things I did and could no longer take it. It took a very personal context for me based on the identical nature of the trauma.
Your advise to ensure my stability before providing her with support is excellent, and I will take it to heart.

 

[seedling]

It may be hard to predict the course of her grandmother's illness, you can take it one step at a time and deal with what each day brings over the course of the twists and turns.
You could make a plan to check in with your fiancee at certain intervals and see how she's coping. Simply listening is great, without letting that internal pressure to "fix it" for her take over.
I have a hard time feeling compassion and loving feelings sometimes (it's getting better, but I still zone out into "blank land.") I got in the habit of remembering to ask people how their loved ones were doing when I knew someone was sick etc., then I remembered to pay attention to what they said and tried to remember it.

And, now I will advise the thing that I like best for support: hold her hand. :)

 

[Friday]

1) I would strongly suggest asking her :)

& then believing her ;) For true. The impulse to interpret, especially when it's not something we ourselves would want, can get overwhelming.

2) Something that's helped me in the past is to have a whiteboard on the fridge or bathroom mirror... Where people who need/want something from me can write down what they want that day/moment. From Hugs to Housework, Space to mind blowing Sex, Romance to Zombies. It's not a honey-do list. Nothing on there is required or being asked of me per se... It's just things my partner would like me to be aware of. What they're in the mood for. That way I can pick and choose what I'm feeling up for! :D It's kind of an ongoing compromise... If you define compromise where 1 person lists the options they can live happily with / want, and the other person picks the options they can live happily with / want. That way both people are happy. It also helps nix the "Nothing" & "I don't know" answers in response to "What can I do to help you?"... Because it gives them time to think, and it's an evolving thing. If today is a cuddle and tomorrow is space and the day after is dishes? Easy enough to erase. A fairly key point, however, is to have the word collage be more than 1 item long. Add & delete as necessary.

3) People all need/want different things to feel supported. To whip out another 5-thing, the 5 Love languages has some of the most common sense advice I've ever come across for how people feel & show love. This can also translate partially into how many people feel/show support.

Physical Touch
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Giving Gifts

You see all of these things expressed when someone dies... Some people make food or clean house (acts of service), other people write notes & cards & talk (words of affirmation), other people send flowers or make photo collages or pay bills (give gifts), other people come sit shiva or make a point of visiting for a few minutes to a few hours every day/week (quality time), other people give hugs & kisses or hold hands (physical touch).

I'm a physical touch (& quality time) kind of person... When I'm upset my favorite things are sex, sparring, wrapped up in a bear hug, a movie marathon all tangled up & half squashed on the couch. My son, otoh, is giving gifts (& quality time). I can make him a duct tape wallet or oragami crane, or give him tickets to a sporting game or movie, or buy him a special treat (ice cream, trip to the water park, DLC for one of his games, etc,). It's not about the money, it's someone thinking about him & what he'd like, and the token of that thinking about him is the gift. My best friend is words of affirmation. Doesn't matter if one does everything in the book, she's going to feel bereft and alone... But if I tuck a note under the windshield wiper on her car? Hide a note in her pocket? Shoot her a text that she's amazing? OMFG thankyousomuchforbeingsosupportive!!! LOL. Which always cracks me up, just because these things take 2 seconds and seem kind of cold and uncaring to me. But to her, people are afraid to talk to her & say the wrong thing, and she just dies inside in the silence. So I do the things that make her feel better for her, instead of what makes me feel better.

Helping people the way they want to be helped I've just found to be a giant EasyButton.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel for you and your fiancée.

Dementia is insidious to have and to go through watching the person you love decline.

Is she the only one who is responsible for her grandmother? Research and learn all you can about it because sometimes it takes so many years.

You are a good person to be asking the question and I agree that take care of you first. Dementia is very hard to go through.

My husband had it and I was his caregiver for three years before he died. When he died I was a complete basket case.

So take really good care of yourself.