-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Sufferer Msterri - At Low Point, Looking For Direction
- Post starter MsTerri
- Start date
- Status
KP the nut
VIP Member
Welcome. Maybe when you are able you could say more in way of an introduction.
ericaboo
Diamond Member
Hi MsTerri,
Welcome to the forum - sorry you lost your previous post :(
I hope you won't be self conscious about posting more - we are a very supportive group and would enjoy sharing with you.
-Erica
Welcome to the forum - sorry you lost your previous post :(
I hope you won't be self conscious about posting more - we are a very supportive group and would enjoy sharing with you.
-Erica
Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
Welcome to the forum. :)
- Post starter
- #5
Thank you everyone for responding. I am glad to have found this site...I have visited a few others but this one seems to be most active, and as positive as can be considering the topics at hand.
I am a divorced 60-year-old caucasion woman who is wondering what happened to the last 20 years... I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1990 when I became disabled with panic disorder and depression. I have 3 degrees, bachelor and master's in art, and one in art education. I worked for the Defense dept over-seas in Germany directly before becoming disabled.
I have Lyme disease and other things that come along with tick bites. In 2006 I was falsely accused by Dep't of Child and Family services (see Psychology Today website, sep 2007, type in search box "Unlikely Suspects" for a very condensed version of what happened to my daughter and I along with 4 other families.)
During this time I spent a year in family court defending and protecting myself and my daughter, who ha to 'run away' to stay safe. It was surreal. DCFS did a fair amount of damage, threats and one illegal search and entry by a police officer-the K-9 0fficer who pushed his way in my home, dressed in tall boots...he looked like an SS officer. I was assaulted and threatened before I could get any neighbors over. I thought he was going to rape me. Long story short, they didn't get me or my daughter but they did a ton of damage...I became so sick I could barely walk. I lost nearly 100 lbs and ended up with scurvy. I could not keep any food in. I have health problems from that.
I have damaged vocal chords and an obstruction in my throat from spending day after day alone, screaming and crying. This went on for a few years until I found a therapist, whom I saw for 1.5 years. Then she took another position and it took over a year to find another one. I have made several attempts on my life over the past 8 years. I had a bruise between my eyes from sleeping with my rifle positioned there. I am still here. I am told I have a strong spirit. I don't want to cause my daughter the trauma of losing her mom...but I also cannot find a way out of this hell.
I am finally able to read a bit and I watch lots of movies on TV. I write some poetry and short stories and sketch a bit but have not done any studio work since my daughter left home in 2007. She is a huge mess and it breaks my heart.
The worst damage done was by my ex sister-in-law, who lives 5 hours away, who did offer up her isolated home for my daughter to hide. What I didn't know is she is severely bi-polar and a practicing witch. I know now that she also had an agenda to split us up so she could have her company.
My daughter is a lovely person, helpful, kind and responsible. This woman has no friends and her family including her husband is afraid of her. She told me once, toward the end when we were both returning home, that she often thought about killing me, my daughter and her husband while we were asleep. It frightens me that my dd is there now. I worry for her well being. I went to see her last summer and they felt the need to call the police, though I had told my dd many times I wanted to come visit and see her.
I have never done a thing that I am aware of to hurt my daughter. I have always felt so lucky to have her in my life. But now she is, for all intents and purposes, gone. She is 22.
The woman she is with did more damage than all other things combined. She broke my 15 yr old daughter's trust in me by lying to her about me. The worst was convincing her that I had asked this woman to adopt her...she woke my daughter from a sound sleep and told her that huge damaging lie and then told her I didn't want her to know about it, she wasn't to speak to me about it. That was about 4 months into the whole crazy scary scenario and I knew nothing about any of that until the case was closed and my daughter was back home for 3 months. BUT she wasn't the same ever again.
Since then, the only time my dd and I have had what resembles any type of normal relationship was when she was on her own working about an hour away from here. We visited, texted and such. Then my dd was arrested for underaged drinking, lost all her jobs, and this woman hired a lawyer and went and got her. She has lived with her now for over 2.5 years, and communication is nearly at a standstill. I stay in touch with her regularly. I recently got two very short impersonal notes from her. She is now 22. She is the only child I had, having lost ten via miscarriages (due to Lyme disease..unknown to me at the time) and I am currently trying not to lose my mind. I feel I am losing the fight...I am afraid.
I have recently, for the last year or so, lived dissociated for most of the time. I have a very long history of sexual abuse including molestation by 3 family members, 3 rapes, one abduction. Before losing my daughter I spent many years in therapy, doing EMDR and working through issues. I have a very fractured family, my father died 2 yrs ago and my mom has full blown dementia. I will not have any thing to do with my brothers.
I currently see a psychologist every other week, who is very good and very direct. He recently said he would help me write a letter to my dd and end the relationship, as the refusal to communicate with me is very hard on me. I cannot do that. I also found a therapist to continue EMDR and while it's not working as well as it has in the past, it has cut down on the horrid nightmares.
I have a small farm the I got for my daughter in 2005, so that she had a start for her career in training and raising horses. I have ruined my health and my back taking care of things by myself, not being in great health to start with. Now I have an injured back and other issues which prevent me from having much of a life.
I am grieving horribly. The loss of my daughter, the surrealistic way in which it all happened, the loss of health, 7 friends have died in the last 2 years, my personality is all but gone. I enjoy nothing. I am tired all the time, and in pain. I am allergic to all the usual meds that treat PTSD and depression. . . so I am having to do this the hard way. As if there is an easy way.
I am isolated in the country. I used to love it. I am surrounded by all my passions: gardening, horses, a large art studio. I used to do cartooning which was very cathartic. I care about none of these things.
I have lived with a man for the past 2 years. He has a bit of Aspberger's. Our relationship is becoming toxic. Six months into it I found out he is into pornography and was having on-line emotional affairs with several women. He continued this behavior though he got into a support group for sex addiction and swore he ended the relationships. He was idiotic enough to leave his laptop etc lying around, as if he wanted me to catch him again, which of course happened. The only reason I am with him is because my doctor's tell me I should not live alone. He does help out with many things, but I do not trust him and don't put myself into any sexual realm with him.
I am at odds about what to do, I know I need to be around people, but that is very difficult. I don't drive much at all. My psychologist says to stay put where I am and says any kind of assisted living would probably be intolerable for me. He may be right. He also says that due to the profuse amount of abuse I went through nearly all of my life, but particularly when I was young, and the fact that I found ways to cope with things on my own, that a marriage or long-term live in relationship more than likely wouldn't work out well. "Date" he says "but be independent in your living situation."
So, that's a fairly long intro but rather than drag things out I figure get it all out now...so there you have it.
I would say the biggest issues for me right now is my increasing reluctance to make or see friends, my isolation, my lack of energy. I feel as though I must be some kind of monster for my daughter not to speak to me much at all for nearly 8 years, but am finding this is quite common and has nothing to do with being an abusive parent...quite the opposite in fact. There is an intolerable amount of shame connected with it all.
I can lose energy for the day very quickly over something and just give up. My home helper is pregnant and had to leave today after an hour, and that was enough to squash my plans to start to get my garden planted ...they are sending a replacement, so I have to deal with a stranger in my home. Bothersome. Another day of my life...gone.
It seems some weeks that all I do is deal with medical issues. I leave some things unattended which need attention because I am so sick of doctors.
I live in an area which offers very little by way of resources. My friends live thousands of miles away, back where I raised my daughter before getting this little farm. You all probably can relate to all and any symptoms I might list. So, that about sums it up.
I will end by saying I have a very strong notion that this is "make or break it time" and I very much need to put one foot in front of the other and continue on...I am directionless and find there is very little information available for me to learn more about PTSD.
I am a divorced 60-year-old caucasion woman who is wondering what happened to the last 20 years... I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1990 when I became disabled with panic disorder and depression. I have 3 degrees, bachelor and master's in art, and one in art education. I worked for the Defense dept over-seas in Germany directly before becoming disabled.
I have Lyme disease and other things that come along with tick bites. In 2006 I was falsely accused by Dep't of Child and Family services (see Psychology Today website, sep 2007, type in search box "Unlikely Suspects" for a very condensed version of what happened to my daughter and I along with 4 other families.)
During this time I spent a year in family court defending and protecting myself and my daughter, who ha to 'run away' to stay safe. It was surreal. DCFS did a fair amount of damage, threats and one illegal search and entry by a police officer-the K-9 0fficer who pushed his way in my home, dressed in tall boots...he looked like an SS officer. I was assaulted and threatened before I could get any neighbors over. I thought he was going to rape me. Long story short, they didn't get me or my daughter but they did a ton of damage...I became so sick I could barely walk. I lost nearly 100 lbs and ended up with scurvy. I could not keep any food in. I have health problems from that.
I have damaged vocal chords and an obstruction in my throat from spending day after day alone, screaming and crying. This went on for a few years until I found a therapist, whom I saw for 1.5 years. Then she took another position and it took over a year to find another one. I have made several attempts on my life over the past 8 years. I had a bruise between my eyes from sleeping with my rifle positioned there. I am still here. I am told I have a strong spirit. I don't want to cause my daughter the trauma of losing her mom...but I also cannot find a way out of this hell.
I am finally able to read a bit and I watch lots of movies on TV. I write some poetry and short stories and sketch a bit but have not done any studio work since my daughter left home in 2007. She is a huge mess and it breaks my heart.
The worst damage done was by my ex sister-in-law, who lives 5 hours away, who did offer up her isolated home for my daughter to hide. What I didn't know is she is severely bi-polar and a practicing witch. I know now that she also had an agenda to split us up so she could have her company.
My daughter is a lovely person, helpful, kind and responsible. This woman has no friends and her family including her husband is afraid of her. She told me once, toward the end when we were both returning home, that she often thought about killing me, my daughter and her husband while we were asleep. It frightens me that my dd is there now. I worry for her well being. I went to see her last summer and they felt the need to call the police, though I had told my dd many times I wanted to come visit and see her.
I have never done a thing that I am aware of to hurt my daughter. I have always felt so lucky to have her in my life. But now she is, for all intents and purposes, gone. She is 22.
The woman she is with did more damage than all other things combined. She broke my 15 yr old daughter's trust in me by lying to her about me. The worst was convincing her that I had asked this woman to adopt her...she woke my daughter from a sound sleep and told her that huge damaging lie and then told her I didn't want her to know about it, she wasn't to speak to me about it. That was about 4 months into the whole crazy scary scenario and I knew nothing about any of that until the case was closed and my daughter was back home for 3 months. BUT she wasn't the same ever again.
Since then, the only time my dd and I have had what resembles any type of normal relationship was when she was on her own working about an hour away from here. We visited, texted and such. Then my dd was arrested for underaged drinking, lost all her jobs, and this woman hired a lawyer and went and got her. She has lived with her now for over 2.5 years, and communication is nearly at a standstill. I stay in touch with her regularly. I recently got two very short impersonal notes from her. She is now 22. She is the only child I had, having lost ten via miscarriages (due to Lyme disease..unknown to me at the time) and I am currently trying not to lose my mind. I feel I am losing the fight...I am afraid.
I have recently, for the last year or so, lived dissociated for most of the time. I have a very long history of sexual abuse including molestation by 3 family members, 3 rapes, one abduction. Before losing my daughter I spent many years in therapy, doing EMDR and working through issues. I have a very fractured family, my father died 2 yrs ago and my mom has full blown dementia. I will not have any thing to do with my brothers.
I currently see a psychologist every other week, who is very good and very direct. He recently said he would help me write a letter to my dd and end the relationship, as the refusal to communicate with me is very hard on me. I cannot do that. I also found a therapist to continue EMDR and while it's not working as well as it has in the past, it has cut down on the horrid nightmares.
I have a small farm the I got for my daughter in 2005, so that she had a start for her career in training and raising horses. I have ruined my health and my back taking care of things by myself, not being in great health to start with. Now I have an injured back and other issues which prevent me from having much of a life.
I am grieving horribly. The loss of my daughter, the surrealistic way in which it all happened, the loss of health, 7 friends have died in the last 2 years, my personality is all but gone. I enjoy nothing. I am tired all the time, and in pain. I am allergic to all the usual meds that treat PTSD and depression. . . so I am having to do this the hard way. As if there is an easy way.
I am isolated in the country. I used to love it. I am surrounded by all my passions: gardening, horses, a large art studio. I used to do cartooning which was very cathartic. I care about none of these things.
I have lived with a man for the past 2 years. He has a bit of Aspberger's. Our relationship is becoming toxic. Six months into it I found out he is into pornography and was having on-line emotional affairs with several women. He continued this behavior though he got into a support group for sex addiction and swore he ended the relationships. He was idiotic enough to leave his laptop etc lying around, as if he wanted me to catch him again, which of course happened. The only reason I am with him is because my doctor's tell me I should not live alone. He does help out with many things, but I do not trust him and don't put myself into any sexual realm with him.
I am at odds about what to do, I know I need to be around people, but that is very difficult. I don't drive much at all. My psychologist says to stay put where I am and says any kind of assisted living would probably be intolerable for me. He may be right. He also says that due to the profuse amount of abuse I went through nearly all of my life, but particularly when I was young, and the fact that I found ways to cope with things on my own, that a marriage or long-term live in relationship more than likely wouldn't work out well. "Date" he says "but be independent in your living situation."
So, that's a fairly long intro but rather than drag things out I figure get it all out now...so there you have it.
I would say the biggest issues for me right now is my increasing reluctance to make or see friends, my isolation, my lack of energy. I feel as though I must be some kind of monster for my daughter not to speak to me much at all for nearly 8 years, but am finding this is quite common and has nothing to do with being an abusive parent...quite the opposite in fact. There is an intolerable amount of shame connected with it all.
I can lose energy for the day very quickly over something and just give up. My home helper is pregnant and had to leave today after an hour, and that was enough to squash my plans to start to get my garden planted ...they are sending a replacement, so I have to deal with a stranger in my home. Bothersome. Another day of my life...gone.
It seems some weeks that all I do is deal with medical issues. I leave some things unattended which need attention because I am so sick of doctors.
I live in an area which offers very little by way of resources. My friends live thousands of miles away, back where I raised my daughter before getting this little farm. You all probably can relate to all and any symptoms I might list. So, that about sums it up.
I will end by saying I have a very strong notion that this is "make or break it time" and I very much need to put one foot in front of the other and continue on...I am directionless and find there is very little information available for me to learn more about PTSD.
ericaboo
Diamond Member
Big Hugs MsTerri,
You've been through a lot, and it is courageous of you to take this step to find direction and healing.
I hope you find resources and understanding in this online community!
-Erica
You've been through a lot, and it is courageous of you to take this step to find direction and healing.
I hope you find resources and understanding in this online community!
-Erica
intothelight
Sponsor
Hi Ms Terri,
Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)
Living with health issues, isolation and an unhealthy relationship, are all stressful and can make PTSD symptoms worse. I hope that being on this site will make you feel less isolated, and that the information and support will be beneficial as you work on healing.
Take care.
Debbie
Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)
Living with health issues, isolation and an unhealthy relationship, are all stressful and can make PTSD symptoms worse. I hope that being on this site will make you feel less isolated, and that the information and support will be beneficial as you work on healing.
Take care.
Debbie
- Post starter
- #8
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
