Multiple Trauma - Not Just Childhood

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not avoiding this thread, just taking my time with it.

When I was very young, I was sexually abused and at some point I was raped. I remember complete detail of parts of what happened but why it happened, how it came about, who, and how it came to stop, are all questions that I can't answer. Alongside that was a mother that I've never bonded with, she is generally unreliable and emotionally unavailable, and a very dominant father that dominated by controlling what we were allowed to think, allowed to feel, likes and dislikes etc. He wasn't violent, I think it was done through never letting up on us, and rejection when we displeased him. It sounds so trivial, but it's had a big influence on the way I developed and the choices and responses I have to life.

While one aspect of me was developing ways to be able to live within this family unit. The denied (or secret) parts of me weren't really developing normally. There are periods in my life where that denied me has surfaced and been the dominant voice in my decisions, and it leads me into bad situations that end up being traumatic.

 

[RussH]

So are you saying that you are disassociating and MPD?

 

[Meadowsweet]

@RussH no I'm not MPD (although your response is a fear of talking about these feelings openly) These changes happen for years at a time. But dissociation is a factor in trauma and in my dealing with, or denial of trauma.

 

[Sandstone]

Rape exists and sometimes there is nothing I could have done to change it. But my dissociation also exists when I'm faced with intimate situations. The fact that I have not seen my vulnerability in situations in the past and that making boundaries is something that I find difficult, is a real thing. And being told,' there's nothing you could have done about it', translates in my mind to 'there's nothing you can do to prevent nasty experiences in the future.' Whereas being allowed to talk about the mistakes that I've made is what enables me to feel more in control.

dissociation is a factor in trauma and in my dealing with, or denial of trauma.

I'm not wholly sure I understand all you are saying, as it applies to you, but reading what you have written has made sense of one of my traumas that had always mystified me.

I've never understood why, in a public place, I allowed an assault by a stranger to take place, and held a calm conversation with him throughout. Of all the things that happened to me, it is the one that most clearly deserves self blame. Suddenly I see that at least a part of it was my dissociation from my body, which is marked. I knew what he was doing to my body, but my body isn't me below the neck. So I wasn't experiencing it, I wasn't there, because my mind, the real me, was talking about dog kennels.

I had understood self blame in the way it is generally presented, as as way of seeking to maintain an illusion of control - if I am to blame then I allowed it and I still have control. I think allowing recognition of the impact of dissociating changes the way that fault, blame and control are interpreted, but I can't crystallise my thoughts on that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@stenni what you say describe is something that makes sense to me. Have you ever seen ambulance men chat about trivial things and make light hearted conversation with an badly injured person? It's to keep a person calm in a frightening situation. I think, having thoughts about 'normal' everyday things, whilst being assaulted, is like your own mind trying to keep you calm.

I don't really understand it myself. Although I've come to accept that dissociation plays a part in trauma. I find it extremely frightening - for that reason probably, although I accept it at a superficial level, I struggle to accept it at a real level. The extent and the different states of dissociation I experienced I just can't take in.

If it helps with what you've said about blame, I learned that there is a difference between self-blame and self-responsibility - blame is based on the emotion toward a situation and projected outward or inward. But responsibility is more detached from the emotions. Self blame is beating yourself up about what's already happened, whereas self responsibility is more about looking ahead at what you can change and improve. But sometimes the line between blame and responsibility can still get a bit grey, when we take too much responsibility in a bid to feel in control.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

@stenni what you say describe is something that makes sense to me. Have you ever...

I'm not a professional therapist, but it sounds to me that dissociation is getting a bad rap. I don't believe it is all negative, and in fact I have used it unconsciously in dealing with a number of kinds of circumstances. I even use it consciously as a coping mechanism against differing stressors. It is as if with experience, I've learned to conjure the approriate person(s) to best handle a given situation.

An example is: During parts of my career, my job was to respond during mass disasters as a buffer between clumsy or "green" reporters and gawkers whose insensitivity to trauma survivors could easily trigger more trauma. Part of me was good at that, decisive, articulate and compassionate beyond my normal behavior. I saved some lives as I usually learned later. And now I know that the rescuer in me is a genuine asset to the other parts of my self-image. So dissociation for me is very similar to assigning the right personnel in me for a given task. I'm curious if anyone else thinks the same way.

 

[Nevermore]

For me it was also a person not in my family, also no talking about it after it stopped.
I seemed to grow up with no radar, or some kind of pulling factor for people that would abuse me - and I have been so passive in my life, allowed all kinds of things to happen that others would not. To me it's not an issue of who to blame, it's more about learning things I didn't learn properly when I was growing up - like boundaries, like self respect, like looking after my own welfare. I suppose disassociation has been a big problem for me, but I wonder if it's disassociation or the fact that I freeze under pressure rather than fight or flight. I allow rather than resist.
It annoys me that everything always goes back to early childhood trauma, even though I understand that too in that it kind of interrupts your growth at a critical stage. I have had far more traumatic events in adulthood though - but it does all seem to meld together and I can see where I dropped the ball when I was a kid and it was many long years before I was able to pick it up again.
When I say years, I mean decades!!
Anyway, I don't think psychology has the answer for everything. It's not a science after all! And yeah, there's a feeling like once you're an adult you are now responsible for everything that happens to you, but we are not all equally equipped.
In my experience, I feel like that has been recognised in my own therapy. The best thing my therapist said to me was, "Life has not been kind to you in many ways, a lot has happened, and you are not to blame for any of this."
Felt like she lifted a rock off my back! I am not to blame and I don't have to blame anyone else either! Just have to learn how to navigate my own course in life better and learn from the past. Better late than never!

 

[sun seeker]

And being told,' there's nothing you could have done about it', translates in my mind to 'there's nothing you can do to prevent nasty experiences in the future.'

At the time, with the understanding you had then, you couldn't have done anything about it. You've changed since then.

I think I understand what you are saying. What is helping me let go of shame over the choices I made as a result of childhood abuse is the phrase "you were groomed for it." Somehow it works better for me than "it wasn't your fault." Doesn't mean I'm not responsible for my actions, doesn't mean I wouldn't make different choices now. It just keeps me from beating myself up so much. Because truly, at the time, there were no other choices I could have made.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

Hi Meadowsweet. What you said above about EMS techs chatting with sick or injured victims is true. That is, that they try to keep the patient calm if possible with friendly talk. But at the same time, first responders also are talking and joking to keep their own perspective, and in a way, tell each other that they are OK. First responders witness real horrors and are still expected to do their best for each patient. So a sort of MASH humor is a necessary for instilling some touch of normalcy in everyone present.

First responders are among the highest risk for PTSD. Frequently, they desperately need professional and peer debriefing with follow-up therapy, much the same as combat personnel.

 

[RussH]

@Meadowsweet I worked for several years as an EMT-Paramedic, and I would make light conversation with my patients. My main purpose was to let them see that I was nor worried, therefore they did not need to worry. My goal with each and every patient was to treat their injuries, and or medical condition, and to provide emotional support by keeping the situation as calm and "normal" as possible.
Were there times I was worried? Absolutely! But my goal was to never let them see me sweat. It was another level of care I tried to provide for the patient, and/or their families.

As for the dark humor in EMS; it is a necessary evil to help us deal with the things we see and experience. I have not done EMS in twenty years, but I still carry around with me some of the things I saw and experienced while working the streets.

 

[ReachingOutJ]

I was raped multiple times by one of my mother's husbands. He told me that if I told anyone, he would kill me, and he beat me to shut me up. It worked, and I didn't tell anyone until I was in my late 20s, after he had passed away. I think it was the beginning of my PTSD, which has been triggered multiple times by other traumas. I know I am not to blame for this, but my mother once accused me of lying about it, and or baiting him, which is sick. My family dynamic is toxic, but right now, I'm stuck with them, due to financial problems. My mother still blames me, and calls me "wild" for running away from home after all of this happened to me. I know it was not my fault, but I have a lot of shame for it all.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

I hope you have a therapist you can trust to tell you that your shame is unfounded. It is natural to interpret forced secrecy and others' malicious blaming as reason for shame. But the shame really belongs with those who committed or permitted the crimes against you. As you said, "I know it was not my fault...", so believe yourself. You may find that by talking through what happened, you can finally quit blaming yourself. I've done that. Good luck to you.--Dennis