lil_fighter
Confident
My birthday is coming up soon and my mother started to tell me the story about when I was born, what it was like when her waters broke, when my dad took her to the hospital etc and how my grandma was the first person to hold me etc. It's a story I have heard before but this time she went into more detail and then started to talk about what it was like bringing me home. She then continued with the story and what life was like after that and how she left my dad due to domestic violence. Again, I know that she left him because of that and I know we fled and went into a women's refuge far away. The story took a bit of a dark turn from just being about my birth to all of the struggles and her moving away. It was obviously upsetting but I know it is the truth and so I can't expect her to just make out it was a fairy tale. I have heard all about it many times. This happened 32 years ago and she never got counselling and hasn't been in a relationship since, she has isolated herself over the years and developed a drink problem (which she manages to hide well). I have lived my life very cautiously with regards to relationships but I am in a long term relationship and have my career. I understand it is my mum's life and is her choices and there is nothing I can do but I'm just wondering if women who experience domestic violence and never have relationships again are less likely to move on and talk about the violence and re-live it regularly?? My mum talks about it often and has no other relationships to refer to. We could be sitting in a restaurant and she would start talking about how my dad would cook that particular dish. My dad is a very evil man and there is nothing to be nostalgic about when it comes to him. She actually mentions him everyday. I know that the fact that she wasn't offered therapy back then in the refuge plays a big part and also not being in therapy since so there has been no closure.
I have always been determined not to make the choices my mum made and so I was super cautious in my 20s when it came to dating. I'd see a red flag and run for the hills and my interactions with my father (met him when I was 17) blurred my sense of what was normal and what wasn't. He was very emotionally abusive. In my early 20s was sexually assaulted on a date. I met my partner in my late 20s and he was not abusive at all but we suspect he has Asperger's (undiagnosed) and this created communication issues, a delay in his empathy and lockdown was crazy with his anxiety. We were arguing regularly and he stopped working (out of choice), it became very pressured and I was rescuing him in many ways and it got unhealthy.
My partner comes from a very stable loving family and I was part of that too and loved the stability that came with it but I recently ended the relationship and moved out as it had become too strained. We're still friends and may try again at the relationship in the future. When my partner was on the scene (the past 4 years) my dad completely changed how he spoke to me and was no longer making hurtful comments or bullying me - because there was another man around. I have had no male role model growing up. It has always been me and my mum.
I am staying with my mum temporarily until I find my own place and seeing her living the same way she always has and isolating herself is making me feel uncomfortable. I am so very grateful to have a loving mother and I don't want to 'rescue' her. She is 60 and it's like watching someone waste away gradually. When I used to live with her before, she was stuck and I used to help her with so much and constantly try to motivate her. She is living in the house she is in now (which is in the original area we fled from 32 years ago and she always wanted to move back to and would talk about for years) because I helped her do it, she acknowledges this and says she is "stuck". I have applied for jobs on her behalf in the past just to give her a push. I am determined not to fall back into rescuer mode again now that I am staying with her but also being around someone with PTSD who isn't helping herself is hard to watch and is making me feel really low. Lots to process with the end of my relationship, moving out of my home and staying with my mother. Saving up to move out very soon but just feeling low today. Would like to have my own children, stable home and not be like my mum and I don't mean that disrespectfully.
I have always been determined not to make the choices my mum made and so I was super cautious in my 20s when it came to dating. I'd see a red flag and run for the hills and my interactions with my father (met him when I was 17) blurred my sense of what was normal and what wasn't. He was very emotionally abusive. In my early 20s was sexually assaulted on a date. I met my partner in my late 20s and he was not abusive at all but we suspect he has Asperger's (undiagnosed) and this created communication issues, a delay in his empathy and lockdown was crazy with his anxiety. We were arguing regularly and he stopped working (out of choice), it became very pressured and I was rescuing him in many ways and it got unhealthy.
My partner comes from a very stable loving family and I was part of that too and loved the stability that came with it but I recently ended the relationship and moved out as it had become too strained. We're still friends and may try again at the relationship in the future. When my partner was on the scene (the past 4 years) my dad completely changed how he spoke to me and was no longer making hurtful comments or bullying me - because there was another man around. I have had no male role model growing up. It has always been me and my mum.
I am staying with my mum temporarily until I find my own place and seeing her living the same way she always has and isolating herself is making me feel uncomfortable. I am so very grateful to have a loving mother and I don't want to 'rescue' her. She is 60 and it's like watching someone waste away gradually. When I used to live with her before, she was stuck and I used to help her with so much and constantly try to motivate her. She is living in the house she is in now (which is in the original area we fled from 32 years ago and she always wanted to move back to and would talk about for years) because I helped her do it, she acknowledges this and says she is "stuck". I have applied for jobs on her behalf in the past just to give her a push. I am determined not to fall back into rescuer mode again now that I am staying with her but also being around someone with PTSD who isn't helping herself is hard to watch and is making me feel really low. Lots to process with the end of my relationship, moving out of my home and staying with my mother. Saving up to move out very soon but just feeling low today. Would like to have my own children, stable home and not be like my mum and I don't mean that disrespectfully.