My abuser contacted my therapist - considering seeing a new therapist

[Angelwings]

Ugh. She’s still texting you? :confused: Block her number...

YES! Block her number!

 

[CatInTree]

Have you considered telling your p-doc that she's still contacting you?

 

[Sweetleaf]

Ugh.

I know, right?

Block her number...

Yeah, I think I will. I really was hoping I wouldn't need to do that - not that I was ever going to contact her again - it's just, I really didn't expect she'd make me have to block her number! You know? Like, I don't think of a -therapist- as the kind of person that you should have to block their number, when you stop seeing them...

I really didn't think she'd be like... trying to drag shit out. It really makes it worse, because it's just cranking up my fear of her (yeah now I'm afraid of her directly, wew - is that okay?) like wtf. She's making stuff worse.

Have you considered telling your p-doc that she's still contacting you?

I have thought about it, yeah. Even before the text. Maybe I mentioned the email at the appointment? I can't remember - my memory is doing that "I'm gonna be all fuzzy" thing on me, that it likes to do for intense feeling times, like, all of the past days. There were like, multiple other things I wanted to talk to my pdoc about that day, and my brain could -not- even access a single one of them, even though they are all important things, and I've remembered them since. (she even told me i could call/text her when I remembered but... gah I have such a hard time with that).

Ugh it was so hard to talk to her about this stuff before. I know she totally takes calls and answers texts and stuff, but I have a hard time calling her and stuff, because I just feel bad for bothering her, you know? Even though she never has responded poorly at all, like ever. She's given me no reason to feel that way, but I still worry about it and feel like I'm just being a bother.

My pdoc helps run the trauma sensitive yoga I go to, which is early in the week. I could just try to talk about it there - I was going to try to talk about all this anyway for the check-in portion. Then I'd have like a bunch of input on the situation. Ugh that's gonna be hard, too. But I really want to bounce this stuff off of them, that's like the only group of PTSD people I know in person and it took a while to feel safe enough with them to open up about anything, or like, even say much more than a f*cking word.

 

[littleoc]

Pineapple :) it's like my favorite one haha.

Mine, too!!

As I mentioned elsewhere, I had a therapist who emailed me asking why I didn't like her or what she did wrong after I had already terminated treatment.

I suppose it COULD have been useful to her own growth? But it was pretty weird. I ended up sending a quick email back saying I had no comments for her improvement. Definitely a lie, but it got her out of my hair.

I'm glad you're out of this... sure, you "let it get to you" (quoting from your diary) but in this case I think it's actually improved your life. I think this ended up being about you standing up for yourself and getting to a safer place. That's really awesome, you know

 

[Boo Izzy]

I will start off some backstory.

My therapist is someone my mom has known since I was a kid - that's...

Don’t stop seeing your therapist, because that’s what your abuser wants. Please tell your therapist to not tell you when he contacts her, because it upsets you to much. Don’t let him control your life anymore that’s how we start to win the battle. Good luck to you and stay strong

 

[littleoc]

Don’t stop seeing your therapist, because that’s what your abuser wants. Please tell your therapist to not tell...

(It seems like you were possibly right -- but luckily there is a new therapist that seems much more trustworthy now!)

 

[Sweetleaf]

No I actually fully believe that my old T sucked - knowing my abuser or not - ethical violations or not - she just sucked ass. She stabilized me but IMO she could have done a -much- better job about EMDR and just therapy in general, and knowing what the f*ck I'm even talking about.

Done a lot of thinking on it lol.

 

[Freida]

wow -- I don't pay attention for a week and look at you go!

so I'm guessing you don't see it but there has been some HUGE growth in you in this last couple weeks. Think about it -- you stood up to your old T, you set boundaries (that she keeps violating), you told your Pdoc about what was happening and you learned about lifesavers! All in just a few days! No wonder you feel a bit out of sorts and anxious.

But right now, from my point of view, it seems like she inserted herself in your lives and doesn't want to leave.

That's what i was thinking as I was reading along. I like that you are going to talk to your Pdoc about her because her continuing to text and email, and her insistence on treating your mom, seem like some ethics violations that need to be addressed by the Powers That Be. Hopefully that is something you and Pdoc can talk about -- so she can make some calls and get it stopped.

My pdoc basically said I should stay home and not really do much of anything for probably the next week, aside from a lot of self care stuff. I

Yes. Do this! You have been thru so much in such a short amount of time -- it's ok to stop and take care of yourself. Let it all process through - then pick up the fight at a later time and continue to move forward....

 

[Sweetleaf]

I like that you are going to talk to your Pdoc about her because her continuing to text and email, and her insistence on treating your mom, seem like some ethics violations that need to be addressed by the Powers That Be.

Tonight I talked to my pdoc at trauma yoga (she helps run it) - along with everyone else there - and there were people saying I should report my old T. She specifically used the word "illegal" describing what my old T did. I knew that the -moment- my old T started reading that shit to me, and even talking about it - that it was illegal what she was doing. I knew. I didn't know what to do though.

I still don't know what to do. I almost feel like -not- reporting her would be -weak as hell- of me in that, it's me caving to my emotions, and also caving to avoidance. Yet my emotions are going both ways on this: feeling like it would be harsh to report her, and also feeling like she needs to be reported - and being pissed that she did that on a whole bunch of levels. Also - what if she f*cks up someone else? Nobody should have their PTSD stirred up in this way. This really screwed me over. The more I talk about it the less of a f*ck I give that it would be harsh. Why did she think this would be a good idea? Everyone I've spoken to thought it was a horrible idea.

It was pointed out to me that this is the type of shit that can cause people to get hospitalized. I am just lucky that I have a support network that had nothing to do with my T - because otherwise I would be VERY f*cked right now - and I know for sure I would be -waaaaayyyyy- less stable than I am now; and I am already having a hard time with this. I see my new t person later this week. I am really hoping she helps me stabilize.

It was also pointed out, that my fear of my abuser could have been tackled using like, actual f*cking therapeutic methods or whatever the f*ck (something more specific than that was said but I don't even remember because my brain was mush) rather than doing something as f*cking stupid as READING MY ABUSERS WORDS which are just pure motherf*cking -lies- and which are so obviously him trying to manipulate my old T and f*ck with me...

Like that was so f*cking stupid of her. What if I was handling this shit worse than I am? Oh boy - just think of what would happen if another -strong- ass trigger happened right now.

What if I had no pdoc, and no trauma yoga, and no new T - what if I didn't even have medicaid? I'd be -wholly- f*cked at this point, like, I probably would wind up getting hospitalized eventually. What if she does that to someone else? She clearly doesn't understand what the f*ck she is doing, because what she did, basically took my fear of my abuser, and injected it with motherf*cking steroids, because I can't f*cking stop thinking about how he probably wants to f*cking kill me so much!!!!!!!

I am having further problems!!! Like potentially bad problems! Like... ugh please make me feel better about this:
It's also kinda hard to even talk about.

So basically, I now have this paranoia going on, where I feel afraid that any professional I deal with, will have something to do with him.

I feel really embarrassed about this, because - it just seems over the top and it seems crazy and it really makes me afraid, because me being afraid and -paranoid- of professional help is soooo -not- a good thing. This shit scares me. Like I -don't- want to be worrying this shit - because it's pretty much like, got a 0% chance of happening, realistically. He has never in his life had health coverage. Why the f*ck would that magically change? I am worrying about him being in places he almost certainly -never- would be, or connected to people he would have like practically no chance of being connected to - in a realistic sense. Yet that paranoia is f*cking so there, that someone involved in my healing in any way will have something to do with him.

Someone at trauma yoga talked about having to deal with someone who almost -perfectly- fit the description of my abuser. I don't want to get into the details, but it was in a professional sense that she was dealing with him. It's not like she said any names or gave any truly identifying details. It was all shit that so many other people could have fit into, but like, if you looked at a venn diagram of "shit she said" and "general details about my abuser and ways he would behave" there was a lot of overlap. She ultimately THANKFULLY said 2 details that made me 100% positive it couldn't possibly be him. There are other details that, in retrospect, also kind of don't seem like they would be things he would do.

But, I kinda was f*cking panicking until those details came out. I am like, over-analyzing shit trying to make sure nobody has any connection to him. What do I do?

Also, very important - will my abuser ever find out, if my old T is reported to the "Powers That Be" ? It was his email that was read to me, after all. His privacy was what was violated, that's the law breaky violation bit isn't it? Of course, I am the one that gets to be all f*cked up because of it :banghead:

it's ok to stop and take care of yourself. Let it all process through - then pick up the fight at a later time and continue to move forward..

Yeah. I just need a break from everything.

I am trying. I can't stop thinking about this stuff though, and even trying to rest doesn't feel like a break.
I wish this was something I could just shove in the vault.

It feels really hard to do self care and all that, when even my own home doesn't make me feel safe. Even driving around I am feeling like something horrible is going to happen, having sweaty palms, etc. - and driving -used- to be like my go-to "this will make me feel safer and calmer" activity - leaving home and driving, because I felt safe in my car.

I am staying home as much as I can. I am trying to do as much self care as I can, and as much as I can remember to. I am forgetting to do a lot of stuff that I should be remembering. Eating, drinking water, etc. Also there are tools I am totally forgetting to use these past days, like EFT. Didn't do any yoga yesterday. Didn't even think to. Today was the first time I did the aromatherapy stuff in days. I am just being all mush brained lmao.

Should have my tax return tomorrow though!!!
Maybe online clothes shopping will help. Lmfao.

 

[somerandomguy]

So basically, I now have this paranoia going on, where I feel afraid that any professional I deal with, will have something to do with him.

Considering what you've been through, this is a perfectly reasonable response.

We're here to support you.

 

[MyWillow]

f*cking LOVE your last post @Sweetleaf

Nailed it. From start to finish. You have every right to be pissed as hell. And every right to file that away for another day.

f*cking. Love. Your. Work.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Sweetleaf I’m not condoning what she’s doing at all because it’s way out of line! There’s no doubt about that! I’m just genuinely curious and wondering if you actually told her you weren’t coming back? That might be why she’s trying to contact you, just to see if you’re returning since you ended things abruptly. You don’t owe her an explanation at all, but you should tell her you’re not coming back. I’m a big fan of closure in most cases, but your situation is completely different…after you tell her that you won’t be seeing her anymore, you should not only block her number, but black her email address and report her if you think you’re up to it. Be gentle with yourself!