Any Insight would be very appreciated. Right now I can't stand myself because of what I did to my boyfriend. To explain a little I am 41 and am living with an amazing man who has ptsd and several health issues. I am not sure if I have ptsd however am told I may.
The reason I hate myself is because The other day I left my boyfriend - who I've had every intention to marry and love very much- for the afternoon to deal with my house. I am still removing my (dexeased) husband's personal belongings. 10 months ago I got married to a man I loved very much who was also abusive, he had a lot of problems from his chikdhood. 5 days after we married we were laughing and then he had an outburst that led to strangling me and ripping off my shirt. Some of my memory is gone of what I believe to be 20 minutes. I don t understand his outburst fully. He then stood next to me and shot himself. He died in my arms. I drank and worked excessively for 7-8 months. The home was caught in the time of his birthday, our wedding and his suicide and funeral. I couldn't bear to remove the carpet or move anything. Especially his shoes or anything he had placed where it was.
Then I met a man who understood. And loved me like I've never been loved. He said the same and within weeks we planned on marrying someday. I feel at 41 I still have never married because of what happened within 5 days and the abuse. I take my new relationship very seriously and intended to keep all of my promises.
Then last week I started crying a lot. My boyfriend was dealing with some emotional issues of his own as well. On Monday we decided I would go back to my house and work some more on cleaning out items that need to go. For the first time since it happened I turned on my security system. My deceased husband had 7 cameras in the house to watch me when he was gone. I saw the house as it was and the date showed the 1 year anniversary of losing my dad. I saw my deceased husband coming home and myself. I could remember that day well, the conversation, the feelings and the hurt. I never would have believed that within 1 month exactly I would be sitting in the front pew as his widow.
I had my neighbor - a very good friend stop in and I had a beer with her and lost it. Another friend showed and I spent the afternoon. Into evening crying and venting. Went cuckoo. Got drunk on 3 LG beers that normally would not have affected me. I was very drunk and have missing of pieces of time. I also avoided my new boyfriend, had broken my promise of not drinking and then tried lying to him that I had not drank :( I drove drunk to his house and was a jerk to him- still lying about being drunk. I promised him I'd never drink without him, I promised to love and never lie. Now I've broken his heart.
Now he can't feel love for me because of what I did. Does anyone have an answer to why I did that? Was that my true self? A lying drunk? Since I e been with him I've hardly drank, I've felt loved and I looked happily into the future :( now I have destroyed all of that.
The reason I hate myself is because The other day I left my boyfriend - who I've had every intention to marry and love very much- for the afternoon to deal with my house. I am still removing my (dexeased) husband's personal belongings. 10 months ago I got married to a man I loved very much who was also abusive, he had a lot of problems from his chikdhood. 5 days after we married we were laughing and then he had an outburst that led to strangling me and ripping off my shirt. Some of my memory is gone of what I believe to be 20 minutes. I don t understand his outburst fully. He then stood next to me and shot himself. He died in my arms. I drank and worked excessively for 7-8 months. The home was caught in the time of his birthday, our wedding and his suicide and funeral. I couldn't bear to remove the carpet or move anything. Especially his shoes or anything he had placed where it was.
Then I met a man who understood. And loved me like I've never been loved. He said the same and within weeks we planned on marrying someday. I feel at 41 I still have never married because of what happened within 5 days and the abuse. I take my new relationship very seriously and intended to keep all of my promises.
Then last week I started crying a lot. My boyfriend was dealing with some emotional issues of his own as well. On Monday we decided I would go back to my house and work some more on cleaning out items that need to go. For the first time since it happened I turned on my security system. My deceased husband had 7 cameras in the house to watch me when he was gone. I saw the house as it was and the date showed the 1 year anniversary of losing my dad. I saw my deceased husband coming home and myself. I could remember that day well, the conversation, the feelings and the hurt. I never would have believed that within 1 month exactly I would be sitting in the front pew as his widow.
I had my neighbor - a very good friend stop in and I had a beer with her and lost it. Another friend showed and I spent the afternoon. Into evening crying and venting. Went cuckoo. Got drunk on 3 LG beers that normally would not have affected me. I was very drunk and have missing of pieces of time. I also avoided my new boyfriend, had broken my promise of not drinking and then tried lying to him that I had not drank :( I drove drunk to his house and was a jerk to him- still lying about being drunk. I promised him I'd never drink without him, I promised to love and never lie. Now I've broken his heart.
Now he can't feel love for me because of what I did. Does anyone have an answer to why I did that? Was that my true self? A lying drunk? Since I e been with him I've hardly drank, I've felt loved and I looked happily into the future :( now I have destroyed all of that.
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