@Beelady PLEASE don't hurt yourself right now. I know how hard it is to not to act destructively sometimes (especially towards yourself), but I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I have been reading several threads on this forum now and have chosen not to respond to any of them, simply because most of them are old threads, but also because I didn't identify with them as strongly. (I have not read if there are forum rules, and I'm sorry if I break any here, but I really wanted to post this. Please feel free to correct me if I do something wrong!) I am extremely glad that you reached out here.
I just left an abusive relationship of 3 years about 4 weeks ago. I walked away from a job, a car, a home, and my only and "best friend"; he still harasses me and tells me he hurts himself and tries to emotionally manipulate me. This was a relationship that I jumped into 6 weeks after having just left a previously abusive relationship (also of 3 years), where I walked away with nothing but my car and what I could fit in it; I have been homeless on and off since then and have since lost that car. I thought he was the complete opposite of my last relationship, kind and caring in all the ways I needed, but he very quickly started behaving abusively in many of the same ways, and grew to be even more abusive than the last boyfriend. I was blind to all the red flags because I so desperately wanted someone to validate me. I wanted someone to pay attention to me. I wanted to feel desirable. I wanted someone to love me back in the same intense, desperate way that I loved. The relationship very quickly became codependent. I got arrested with him, I waited 6 months for him to get out of jail, and I worked myself to the bone for two years so that we could afford to have a car and a place to live and food to eat. I invested every bit of my time and energy and money into the relationship, trying to build a future with a man who couldn't have possibly loved me because he didn't love himself. I eventually realized that he was abusive, but I still didn't leave. He would tell me that he wanted to change, and so I supported him. And then things would escalate even worse than they were before. He played me like a game of Monopoly, taking one piece of me at a time until he owned almost the entire board. I let him; I played the game, too. I let him dictate how I would live my life. I stopped talking to people he didn't already know. I almost quit going to college and got a full-time job working just over minimum wage because he told me to. I wore different kinds of clothes, I started smoking weed and drinking heavily. I acted differently, because I didn't want to embarrass him. I changed myself to become the woman he said he wanted, but I was never good enough. He started laying hands on me. And then I realized that he was reliving his childhood with me. He couldn't have possibly loved me because to him I was a tool to be used. I was an object, not a person. I was a way for him to feel control in a life where he felt he lacked control over himself. I was a way for him to conquer his parents' abuse. I still cared for him, but I was no longer in love with him. I decided to start loving myself.
The point I want to make here is that it was NOT easy for me to leave, even though it was the best decision I could have made for myself; and also that it is probably not in your best interest to jump into another relationship like this. This is me warning you to look out for yourself. You will see, maybe 5 years from now, maybe sooner, that Tim is not who you think he is now. Maybe you already know this and just don't want to accept it. Please understand that this is NOT true love. I know how it feels to desperately crave validation of your worth from someone else. But you have to see your self-worth as intrinsically valid. You are human. You deserve to take care of yourself, first and foremost. You are worthy of self-love. Please know this. You are not a piece of crap because you broke down. If Tim cannot accept your humanity, then he cannot love you. But, even more importantly, you need to accept your own humanity. You are not a piece of crap. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF CRAP. You are a loveable human being. You are a person with needs and desires and goals and a future and love. There is only one YOU on this planet, so you'd better start taking care of yourself because, believe it or not, this world needs you. You are here for a reason, and maybe you don't see it yet, but it's there. And, believe it or not, there is a future with joy and contentment for you if you are willing to really do the work for it.
Please give yourself time to process the feelings you are experiencing right now. Try to not judge your feelings as "bad" or "wrong," they are YOUR feelings and they ARE VALID. You will be experiencing a great deal of feelings, but just know that you are not alone, and that you are stronger than this. It will be hard, it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but I want you to start taking care of yourself. Probably nobody has cared for you in the way you really need, and I'm fairly certain based on what I've read that you haven't cared for yourself in the way you really need. But I want you to really start taking care of yourself. Because you deserve it. And if you can't do it right away, don't beat yourself up, and just remember to reach out. You're not alone. Please don't give up.
