Relationship My Bf Is An Alcoholic

[Justmehere]

Thank you. It feels good to talk. He says he wants us to go to counseling . So hopefully we follow through on that. I also called his dr and left message for him to call tomorrow and hoping he will start on his psych meds he was supposed to be on . I always try and just do my own thing, be happy live life. But sometimes when he has his blowouts it's just so draining and intense it really just sucks the life out. Thanks for listening and responding.

Yeah, it is miserable in a million ways to have someone blowout like that! :hug: It's hard to be happy and live life when someone is treating you like crap! My heart goes out you, and I hope you keep reaching out for support for you.

He says he wants us to go to counseling . So hopefully we follow through on that. I also called his dr and left message for him to call tomorrow and hoping he will start on his psych meds he was supposed to be on .

Sounds like you are taking some good steps. It will likely take more than meds, but if your boyfriend is ok with it, the more you can tell his treatment providers whats going on, the better they may be able to help him. In the end, the real change is going to be up to him. He is going to have to do the work, take the meds, go to therapy, etc.

Prepare for him to be really hesitant about counseling and steps to get sober. He may say he wants to do it, and he probably does. He is probably miserable. Usually, not always, but usually, if someone has PTSD and is drinking to the point of harming relationships (like he is doing), it means they are self medicating some pretty big pain.

He is choosing to drink because the drinking is "working" better than other options he has right now. It does not make it ok, and it is absolutely no excuse to keep getting drunk and treating loved ones like crap. The fact that he is probably self medicating the pain of trauma with alcohol makes it all the more important for him to do all he can to stop. Alcohol use and abuse can increase depression, and sometimes anxiety - symptoms of PTSD. He may say he wants to go to counseling, and then be hesitant about it, or never follow through. If he starts to go to counseling and get sober, all that pain he is self medicating will come up, and he's got to be really determined to face it.

Don't let his hesitation slow you down in terms of reaching out for support for you. If he won't follow through on seeing a counselor, tell him you are going without him, and go. Maybe eventually he will be ready to go with you.

We have lived apart in different towns also for a year and half and nothing really changed even then .

Yeah, because he still had you, in his life, willing to stay in relationship with him even when he got mean. It's not your fault, it is so hard to tell someone they have to stop or quit the relationship. Right now, it doesn't sound like he loses anything when he is mean to you.

He's not likely to change until the pain from the consequences of his actions, is greater than whatever he is running from and escaping from through alcohol and trying to dump all his anger on you.

So I know he just has major issues with PTSD tbi alcoholism etc

Triple whammy. That's tough. :hug:

I'm glad you are here on the forums and I hope you keep reaching out whenever needed. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve to be cherished, all the time. You deserve to be called good things, not horrible ones. You deserve joy and happiness. You really do. :hug:

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You've come to the right place. Have a read through the supporters posts they are great people and will be able to help you with setting boundaries and the like.

Having grown up in a house where one of my parents was dependant on alcohol let me tell you I know it sucks and add PTSD into that it must be so hard. You have to take care of yourself first before you can do anything to help him.

I wished and I prayed my parent would get sober I hid all the booze or emptied it down the drain (I got a load of abuse for that, it still never stopped me). I asked them to stop cried pleaded begged. Nothing changed then I starded to wish they would leave or end up in hospital or that we could leave or even on bad nights that they would die. Nothing changed. What I'm saying is you might have to leave he might not ever change. I started to hate my other parent for staying and for not protecting me. If he doesn't get help and doesn't get sober you will be negatively affected but more importantly your children. They don't have a choice they stay where you are they hear him talking to you like shit it will upset them.

I really hope he goes to therapy and gets sober and starts to treat you better. I really do, but hope didn't help me when i was a kid and it didnt get my parent sober and its not going to un-f*ck my childhood. You need boundaries he needs to know he cant get away with x,y and z and if he does those things you leave and never come back. PTSD and alcoholism is not an excuse to be abusive or a dick.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Sigh... This thread is very similar to a thread I posted a few days ago in regards to my daughters father and after reading BOTH threads I'm even more confused. I've received feedback on both sides of the spectrum on the forum and off.

Some say let him see her and you can't control it and others say keep him away and let him face the consequences...

He's not likely to change until the pain from the consequences of his actions, is greater than whatever he is running from and escaping from through alcohol and trying to dump all his anger on you.

This to me supports my thought about having no contact with him and not allowing him to pop in occasionally to see our daughter when it's convenient for him! I don't want her to be in constant question of his love and commitment to her. He is an alcoholic with PTSD and although he doesn't have outrageous outbursts his preferred method of attack is abandon.

This situation is happening right now, Gone a month now, seen her 2 times total and haven't heard from him in well over a week and in the last hour he has bombarded me and my mother with "I want to see my daughter" calls and texts.

I just don't know if there is a right way to go here is there?!?!

Anyway sorry to hijack your thread but please know we are in the same boat and if you need to talk I'm definitely here.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry that your boyfriend has PTSD and a tbi. This does not give him permission to abuse you and his children. Zero tolerance for that is the only way to move past it. It doesn't appear that he is taking any responsibility by getting medical help for his disease. Just because he went to war doesn't give him permission to f*ck up his family. Get your children to safety regardless of what you have to do to protect them. Have you learned nothing by being on a PTSD forum and the magnitude of damage done to us as children by abusive alcoholics? f*ck him. There is tons of help available to him. He's the grown up. You and your children deserve safety-basic reasonable safety.

 

[Justmehere]

I've never struggled with the drug of alcohol. I have used other bad ways of coping - like self injury and other things. There was a time where I was mean to other people. I didn't mean to be, but I was. When triggered, I verbally lashed out at those closest to me.

The best thing anyone did for me was to draw a line, say enough, when you get help and stop this, then we can have a relationship again.

They loved me. I could tell. And they were taking away a relationship with me - and we both believed the relationship we had was very dear. It was hard for them to do that, and I am so glad they did it anyhow.

If they had not done that, I would have probably never had the courage to finally get my butt in therapy and pour all I had into it. I probably would have given up and ended up dead one way or another....

I was the one fully responsible for my behavior, and it was always my responsibility to get help and change. But what this person did for me was to not let me keep running away from it. I had the pain of my unmanged PTSD = pain, deep pain, with me all the time because I missed them so much. So I finally said enough, and dove into therapy.