My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

You know, it is interesting that some folks can hand out criticisms left and right, but they don't seem very forthcoming with acknowledgments. My husband was this way, often my parents seemed to have been so too. This is a rather disappointing characteristic in others and makes a person feel unloved, unrespected and uncared for. It is easy to point out something that someone has done that is wrong, but who takes the time to say, "Gee, Sheila, you did the right thing here." or "Well done, my friend, I applaud you for doing (or saying) that!" I'm DISAPPOINTED at a 5 or so about this today. I feel like I have been dissed.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am working on forgiving these bullies. I suppose it has been a way of life for them. Jesus said to pray for our enemies, so I have prayed for them many times, and continue to do so also. None the less, they pretty much carry on with their bullying and at times even seem proud of how they have bullied or lied about someone to someone else. I hate the sin, but I try to see the good that they do and appreciate that, because they do, do some good too. It is sometimes rare to see them do something good, like hold a door for someone or get someone's hat for them, when that person walks with a walker for instance. So, no, they are not 100% evil, I can see that. Sometimes they show respect where respect is due.

However, both of them have degraded views of women. This is evident in the ways in which they communicate to and about women. This sin I HATE. I strongly DISLIKE it when men dis women. When they tell off-color jokes, this disgusts me. When they make disparaging remarks about and to women, this upsets me. It has all my life. It is hard to have any respect for men who act like this and belittle women in general or think of them only as sex objects. I HATE it when they think that doing and saying these kinds of things makes them look more manly in the eyes of other men. This is teenaged humor at its core in the male of the species, and it DISGUSTS me. When I witness it I don't know what to say or do, but I feel like I should be doing something to counteract it! It is RUDE and INCONSIDERATE and downright NASTY!!! Yet grown men do it all the time, some of them! Even men in their 80s and 90s!

However, I do want to say that not ALL the men at the Senior Center do this. There are only really 3 out of the 20 or so people that do this. However, those 3 make it kind of difficult for all the rest of us. They make us uneasy and some of us may feel resentment or troubled by this. Yet it goes on and on, ad nausium.... so I feel DISGUST and REVULSION about all this, pretty much at a 10.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a sort of nightmare last night. It was about this man that used to for years make passes at me when I was married, and refused to take, "No." for an answer. In the nightmare, somehow he got me to desire him and he penetrated me sexually. I could physically feel him inside of me in the dream, even though in real life I did not find him attractive or desirable. Certainly I never had relations with him! It was a short nightmare, lasted seemingly less than a minute. It has haunted me all day, on and off, however.

He was the kind of man who considered women only good for "one thing." He saw every woman he met as someone to bed, and he was the real Casanova kind of guy who was with several women at once, proud of the fact that he had kept this a secret from his "main" woman for a couple of years.

He was constantly flirting with women online and one woman felt that he had raped her in chat, because he typed out his desires to her so quickly, that she didn't have a chance to say, "No." before he'd already made it seem that they were "making it." He told me this and was distressed by it, feeling he could not possibly have raped this woman. It had just been that she was a "slow typist." And he was a fast one. Or something like that.

I told him all along that I just wanted to be friends. Nothing more. However, he persisted in trying to bed me like I was the big challenge, the one he was going to win, no matter the cost. The fact that I was married did not deter him at all.

I tried in a number of ways to evade his advances. I would delete his emails without reading them. I had caller ID, so I did not answer his phone calls. He persisted anyway, for years. Sometimes I would communicate with him, especially since he had cancer and I felt bad for him. I would pray for him, also. Sometimes I did not know what to do.

He believes in and says he has experienced being out of his body in spirit and being above it or far from it sometimes. He achieved these states while doing drugs, he claims. So I am concerned, especially since I "felt" him in my dream, that he "visited" me in spirit and tried to "do" me when I was sleeping.

I have a boyfriend now. I have no interest in this other man who has chased me for years. I don't even have relations with my boyfriend. I have no interest in sex at this late stage in my life.

I am concerned in a way that in a sense, this man who has refused to take "No." for an answer raped me last night in my nightmare. Either with his intentions or actually, in spirit. I feel vulnerable and violated. Then again, it may just have been a "nightmare." I just do not know. All I know for sure is that it happened when I was asleep.

He is currently going through his 4th round of chemo for the cancer. I do feel bad for him. I pray that it was just a nightmare and that he did not visit me in spirit and try to force his wishes upon me. This is weird! I feel really UPSET and VIOLATED! At an 11 where 10 is the worst!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

OK, so I blocked him on FB, left the FB group we both belong(ed) to and also made a filter that sends any email from him into the delete area of my email. I also have his phone number in mind, in case he tries to call me, I will NOT be answering! I have blocked him out of my life as best as I can and prayed for God to protect me from him. That is all I can do, but ask any of you who are reading this to please pray for my safety and sanity too!

 

[Changing4Best]

One other thing of interest or more correctly, CONCERN, is that he wrote a poem about it online on FB. As I was unjoining his poetry group, I saw it there, so this was NOT my imagination. He "DID" something. What he did, exactly, I don't know, because I am not overly knowledgeable about the occult and things of that nature. However, I did consult someone who is related to a person who is knowledgeable about these things and I was told that this kind of thing IS possible and DOES happen. Therefore, I will not invalidate what I feel I experienced. In some way, in some place, be it in "reality" as we know it, or in some other realm, I experienced this. It happened. On some level it is real. I am certain of this.

 

[Changing4Best]

Today was a bit rough, but not as bad of a day as it could have been. I made one mistake at work, but it was a harmless mistake, so I don't feel bad about it. None the less, I have not, to my knowledge, made this mistake ever at work before. My mind did wander a few times, so it is possible that I made this mistake while my mind wandered to what happened the other night, the nightmare. I'm kind of still upset about it, but not as upset as I think I might have been, were it not for the grounding techniques I have been doing.

Some of you reading this might think I am completely "off my rocker" and some of you might not. Maybe even someone reading this has had a similar experience. (If you have, I would like to hear about it, please). Send me a private message if you like. I'm all ears!

I emailed my pastor and told her what happened. She was a bit reserved about it, admitted that she had never heard of such a thing, encouraged me not to dwell upon it mentally, and said she would pray for me. She probably thinks I am "crazy." Well, I had to tell someone! Maybe she was not the right person to tell.... so I am kind of DISAPPOINTED at a 7 in her reservedness to give me more support or at least make some small effort to let me know that she thought it might be possible.

But then it IS weird. It is not your run of the mill kind of thing, and it is likely that few folks here or anywhere have ever run into something like this. So I guess I understand her reluctance to place much credence in believing what happened to me.

I'm just glad that SOMEONE did believe me and said that they had knowledge of something similar happening to another. I am SUPER GRATEFUL for that! Otherwise, I might think I have gone crazy too.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm feeling kind of LONELY here, because very few folks have replied to this TRAUMA DIARY of mine. I noticed a lot of more replies on other TDs than I am getting. I am not sure why this is. I see that there are 803 views of my TD, so I guess you all are reading it, but maybe you don't know what to say. I do have PTSD from childhood molestation and also an adult rape (which was actually a multiple rape for over a year, since I had no way to escape from the abuser that raped me and so knew I could not fight him off. Thus, I had to let him have his way with me until I could find a way to escape).

Actually, I wrote another TD over in the other TD Area of the Forum about all of that. That TD got closed, I guess because I did not reply to it for awhile, since I could not think of any other traumas that had happened to me after having written it all down.

I started this TD with my moods in mind, thinking they are based in my BIPOLAR, but PTSD also causes our moods to flair up at times, and I do think that this bullying situation has triggered some of my traumas and that is why it is so overly upsetting to me.

Anyway, I wish some of you who are reading this would say, "Hi." or something anyway, so I would not feel so alone in writing this. PLEASE!

And I don't mind if someone criticizes me, just so long as they also find something constructive and nice to say as well. Criticism in and of itself, when it is not constructive, is really not all that helpful. Not for me anyway! Other than that, say whatever comes to mind. I would love to read it. THANKS.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was discussing with a friend yesterday, the curiosity of someone who would seemingly sympathize with bullies, suggesting that they be given a time to "adjust" and that I might be doing the wrong thing by calling one of them a "grouch" after having been mistreated by him in one way or another for months. My friend seemed to think that the person who would sympathize with bullies might in fact have been a bully, or might still even now at a later age, still have a tendency to be a bully or bully people at times. I had actually thought of this myself beforehand as well, and was really quite relieved when someone else came up with the same conclusion! RELIEVED at an 8 or so, where 8 is good.

Bullies come in all ages, sizes and genders. They can manifest themselves in a lot of different ways, and physically is the rarest. More often bullying takes the form of browbeating or teasing or picking on someone, usually someone who is not able to defend themselves very well, if at all. Bullies also criticize others, finding fault where fault really is not due.

I pity anyone who has a bully for a boss, because bullies love to get themselves into positions of power in some way or other. This they do in order to have altitude over someone that they might not otherwise have it over. Once a person achieves a position of power, it is interesting to see how they use it. Will they use it to build others up in confidence or stature or will they use it to cut others down and in some way insult them?

So, if you find yourself in some kind of situation where you are being put down, teased, picked on or bullied, you might want to find a way to either fight back, put that person in their place or quietly leave. The one thing that I would NOT suggest, is for you to do NOTHING. That is not an effective way to deal with a bully. That just brings on more bullying, usually of a worse nature than what has already occurred. And I can say this from first hand experience too.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am GROSSED OUT at a 10 where 10 is worst. Our whole apartment building is infested with BED BUGS. I have 3 bites on me from last night. They are coming in from outdoors. They come out at night. They bite at night. Wikipedia says there is no insecticide that kills them except DDT and it is illegal to use in the U.S.A.

I went to the grocery store to see if maybe they have something that purports to kill them and they did. It is made by RAID and it says it is for BED BUGS and FLEAS and it is in a Purple can. So I bought it. However, I have a pet Guinea Pig. So I did not spray any of it too close to his cage, because I have no idea what it might do to him.

Now there is a problem with my bedspread. It cannot be put in the dryer or washed in hot water! And the instructions on the can of BED BUG spray say you need to wash and dry your bedspread with hot water and dry it on the HOT setting. I don't know what to do about that!

We have asked the building manager to do something about this, but her attitude in the past has always been something to the tune of, "What do you expect, you live in Low Income Housing." Someone gave her a vial of dead ones this morning and told her that something needs to be done. She made no promises. We do get treated for cockroaches, however THEY EAT BED BUGS! So now I wonder what will be done. Spiders eat them too, of course.

I'm planning on calling the Health Dept. and the Adult Protective Services at the Dept of Social Services people tomorrow, as are a few of the rest of us. This has GOT to be handled! I am afraid that the building could be condemned, but if they are all over the place outdoors, then our neighbors must be troubled with them too, and the Housing Authority is just around the block from us, they must be infested also, I would think! If they did condemn our building, we would just end up taking them with us wherever we ended up moving to, so really, there is no gain in condemning our building. That would just spread the problem far and wide!

I ITCH!!! This is SOOOooooo.... awful. I am afraid to scratch, for fear of causing the bites to get infected.

 

[Changing4Best]

I want to also say that I am not a filthy person. I don't leave dirty dishes in the sink, I have a lady come in once a week and help me keep things clean and neat, I do my laundry every week and clean my pet's cage then too. I take out the garbage regularly, etc. I'm not the most organized person in the world either, I will confess. I am kind of a clutter-bug or collector of things. However, I don't see any obvious reason that this has happened to me, other than it happened to some neighbors and affected me after that too. I am EMBARRASSED by this, to tell you the truth. There is a kind of stigma to it, and yet, especially since it happened to my neighbors first, really, in an apartment building, it could happen to just about everyone! I am doing all that I can to combat it. So far, other than the 3 bites on my person and the one bug in the bathroom sink, I have not really seen any obvious signs of it anywhere in my apartment. I think I may have found one egg in my bed though, not sure. UGH!

The exterminators are coming Monday morning to inspect, and if needed, to do whatever it takes to get rid of them if they find signs of them. In the meantime, I am spraying and working to handle as much of it by myself as possible. I'm still kind of GROSSED OUT by it, but not as badly. Maybe at a 7 or even a 6, as I am not really finding much in the ways of signs that I have any problem with it.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, even though I can find no signs of Bed Bug infestation in my apartment, I seem to have gotten 2 more bites last night. A neighbor bought me a plant based BED BUG KILLER that is said to be 100% effective. He has used it with success. We shall see. In the meantime, I am awaiting word from the professional exterminator on Monday. If he says that it is not BED BUGS, it might be "no-see-ums" which I have been exposed to also. BUGS are really bad this summer, due to the high humidity in the air. EIther way, I am FREAKING OUT! I hate bugs, and anyone with a history of Lyme Disease such as I have would hate them too. Lyme causes some 200 symptoms, many of which I have and interestingly enough, can also be caused by PTSD some of them! I just can't seem to win in this whole situation. No matter where I turn, there is some kind of BUG PROBLEM!

 

[Changing4Best]

I felt some relief today. One of my bullies, who usually rides the bus, was not on it this afternoon, so we all got to talking about him. You know how that is, right? LOL... anyway, one of the guys that he has been calling "homewrecker" since the day he met him told me that he demanded that the bully give him a list of all the homes he broke up, all the relationships and marriages he ruined. Of course, the bully could give him no such list. Because there is none! None the less, the bully continues to call him "Homewrecker."

I told this man, who has been bullied like I have by this bully, that the bully comes from a whole different culture than we do. He agreed. He said the bully has no idea how to be a true Southerner or what it is like to live in the South of the U.S.A. I had to agree. I have lived here 7 years now, so I know how things go, how things are. However, this bully has only been here maybe 6 months. He does not know the ropes, or what Southern Hospitality is or how to be a gentleman. All he knows how to be is a "Yankee." And a Connecticut Yankee at that. I'm an upstate New Yorker from birth, but I have learned a few Southern ways. I know how to be a lady too, because my mother was a true lady. Her parents were from Europe, so she learned some manners when she was a little girl, and she taught those manners to me too.

This bully does not have any manners, nor does he wish to learn any. He is just course, rough around the edges and RUDE. That is probably all he has ever known. He did not go to college. He was in the Service, learned all the ways in which one can use course language in the Service, but none of the ways in which a man can be a gentleman. They learn that in Officers training, and he was never an Officer. What he learned instead was all about using bad language and bullying folks, and then he was a bar tender for the rest of his life, and saw the worst side of a lot of folks. Fights, prostitution, you name it, it is said to go on in such places, probably drug dealings too.

I actually feel sorry for this bully. He has seen the worst of life, the underside of things. He probably really does not know any better.

However, like I said, I feel some relief from this conversation we had. I got to compare FEELINGS with this other man who has been bullied by him. He agreed that he still cares about the bully. I do too, actually. I know that he can be a nice man when he wants to be, holding doors for folks with walkers and helping them with their walkers. He gets a 99 year old man his hat and coat. He helps him put them on. He can be nice when he wants to be. He can also be really nasty when he wants to be too, though! And when it comes to this other fellow and I, he can get quite nasty indeed!!!

So, like I said, I felt some relief, blew off some steam and commiserated with the other person who has been bullied by him. It was like leaning on his shoulder and getting a hug, only with words. It was nice.