Relationship My crazy marriage

[Sweetpea76]

It's a mixture of anxiety and hypervigilance. He probably has nervous energy from feeling like that. If it's too quiet he's waiting for an ambush.

Have you ever been in a near miss car accident and had an adrenaline dump? The tingles in the pit of your stomach? That's what a PTSD sufferer feels like a lot of the time. Just a hair away from panic. Now imagine what being screamed at in that state would do to you... that's why you cannot yell or scream.

 

[Gtgg]

Hi @Sweetpea76
My ex also had combat PTSD. I wrote previous posts about not knowing w...

My wife very infrequently has energy.

 

[Gtgg]

I was not going to mention what type of PTSD my wife has, but think it would help if I do. My wife at the age of 7 was repeatedly molested not raped. A teenage family friend would come over and go to her room and tell her to touch his body parts. I'm trying to keep it clean on here.


About 3 weeks ago my wife finished 5 week Outpatient therapy. She ask me go back to counseling with her and as I posted earlier I said yes. She did not talk to me the whole time she was in therapy. She said" I did not talk to you while I was in therapy because I knew I could not support you the way you could support me" even though we have been to counseling again once she will not pick up her phone and will only respond to my important texts or have a good day text half the time.

About 3 weeks ago right after she finished therapy my wife talked to a lady my wife and I both know and the lady told me what she said. I just finished therapy. I'm going back to work. I learned in the therapy how to control my emotions. I'm still fragile. I don't know if I can handle a marriage right now and I don't know if I can continue this marriage.

 

[LB226]

It's a mixture of anxiety and hypervigilance. He probably has nervous energy from feeling like that....

@Sweetpea76 Thanks for that explanation. I'm still so intrigued about putting the puzzle pieces in place... I think it helps me in my healing journey. Yes!! I could see both hypervigilance and anxiety in him, but it so foreign to me, at that time. I kept thinking it was things I said or did that made him that way. I remember early on thinking that he was so different from other men I'd dated. I struggled in understanding him and he never offered any explanation to help me.
I can't imagine yelling at someone who struggles to balance these high levels of anxiety.
I'm not one to yell or scream. When I'm upset I talk calmly or pull inward. He was the one to snap, yell, and go off like a firecracker. Even in the midst of his rage, I'd just calmly try to ask questions, but he'd shut them down as soon as I began to speak.
I can see how easy it would be to get pulled into the drama of it all. It's natural to want to defend yourself when someone is accusing you of something you didn't do or say.
Your partner is very lucky to have you Sweetpea76. It sounds like you've really learned how to manage the hard times, all the while still loving him through the PTSD episodes.

 

[Thank you]

@Sweetpea76 Thanks for that explanation. I'm still so intrigued about putting the pu...

Thank You so very much for hijacking my post. Again thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Guest posters, the names keep changing... are these all from the original poster?

If so, do you have a specific question or direction you want the thread to go in?

 

[Finchlet2]

Sorry that my last reply didn't take into account the volume of the noise being a trigger I know only that continued for days it drains as ll ability to think. I am as sufferer and on this bit of the site to get a better understanding of my husbands reactions to my symptoms. I stand by what I said taking out of the equation doing anything to genuinely trigger your partner. We humans with ptsd still screw up like everyone else and still need to be told when we do regardless of what volume that telling of is done in to have a chance to learn answers develop as people.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Original poster... if your wife was sexually abused, it can be quite common for her to have issues surrounding sex and intimacy. It can trigger flashbacks and stir up all kinds of negative emotions related to their traumas. On top of all of that, even PTSD sufferers without sexual trauma can have sex and intimacy issues. It's hard to trust. It's hard to relax and get in the mood. It's hard to stop negative emotions long enough to feel positive ones.

There are a lot of threads here by supporters talking about sex, or more specifically lack of sex, with their partners.

 

[original poster]

Guest posters, the names keep changing... are these all from the original poster?

If so, do you ha...

I just came here looking for support,advice and how to be a better partner if this marriages does work out. I just think if your the original poster and your learning from people's replies and someone hijacks the thread then no ones going to post about you anymore.

 

[original poster]

Original poster... if your wife was sexually abused, it can be quite common for her to have issues s...

I already have learned so much on here. My wife always wanted to schedule sex and I always didn't understand why we couldn't just have spur of the moment sex. I learned from this site that it relaxes the PTSD suffer to have scheduled sex. The problem with scheduled sex with us was that on the night we scheduled it something would come up or it become to late at night.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My sufferer has sex issues at times and he has combat PTSD. It's going to depend on how symptomatic he is at the time. Usually he has a high sex drive, but if he is having a bad day, or if something makes him think of Iraq he is not going to have any desire for me at all. It's hard to be turned on if everytime you close your eyes you see your trauma.

Your wife's sex drive is going to come and go. When her PTSD is bad, sex is going to be the last thing on her mind, she's going to be more worried about surviving the day.

Sex issues frustrate a lot of supporters. It's something we have no control over though.

 

[Haven]

I think this is interesting. If you're genuinely trying to help your wife, then I do have some advice. I am a sexual abuse survivor and have PTSD. I will preface this by saying I'm going to be honest with you, so I hope that you will not be offended.

1. Please understand that all sexual trauma can cause similar reactions. It has little to do with how "severe" the abuse was. Being molested repeatedly is just as "severe" as rape in that sense.

2. Please understand that begging for sex can be seen as coercion. It seems you have a high sex drive. That your reasons for marriage weren't necessarily all that you loved her, but that she could have children and could have sex. That may not be your intention, but it comes across that way. That could be making her feel like a piece of meat. Therefore, triggers.

3. Sex drives in a PTSD sufferer change. For sexual abuse we can be super horny as a way to cope with what happened to us. To explore that freedom in a sense because our sex drives got engaged in a way beyond our control. It's a way to take it back for ourselves. Same with not wanting sex. It could cause tons of triggers. We may not be present enough, you would just be having sex with a puppet. I think you should ask yourself if you truly want intimacy with your wife or just to feed your sex drive at this point. You may be making her PTSD a lot worse and causing new triggers if you force her.

3. Screaming... It makes sense for her to completely shut down. It's called emotional abuse. This is something you've been working on and I commend you for that. I myself cannot stand screaming in the least bit. Its a trauma inducing situation. I have a no scream rule. I think it's wise what you are doing to not be with her if you think you can harm her even emotionally for a time.

4. Please understand, that PTSD sufferers are more sensitive to certain things. They need care, patience, love and understanding. They above all need to feel safe. If you find that your relationship is toxic, then yes taking time apart makes a lot of sense. I know it can be really hard. I think if you also find that there are things you can improve on, such as focusing on her needs and not just yours that could help. I think coming on here is a good first step at that. Plus, I recommend a 12 step program to base off of when dealing with things like anger management. Perhaps it could help you in the future and make peace with your wife.

I'm sure I didn't succeed in not being offensive, so I'm sorry if my intentions didn't come across well. Please know that though I am giving my honest opinion (not saying it's fact) that I am hoping for the best for you two, whatever path that takes you in. Good luck!