My Crazy Thoughts

[Jinn]

Good for you!

 

[MizzASG]

*Sigh* Sorry, I just need a place to rant out my thoughts...

I have been off work since my last post on short term medical disability. I wanted to go visit a co worker at work to catch up on things, since I was coming back in a couple weeks, but was told that I not allowed on the property. Why? Because while I was off, I was apparently fired. No explanation. I have worked there over a year, and was a great employee (up until I started becoming "unreliable" and went on medical leave with a doctors note). I have no idea why I was fired. No one even told me? My co worker wasn't even supposed to tell me but she did anyways. It's not like it matters because the job is lost anyways. She also told me our contract ended and another company is taking over for cheaper rates... everyone is still offered a job there, but me, because I was fired. I don't even hold my position or seniority any more.
I was looking forward to going back to work because I had a plan. I was gonna work the summer as much as possible and save up to go to school. I was gonna go on a nice vacation since I haven't had one in three years. I was also gonna be able to start paying off the debt I have accumulated while on my medical leave (my work doesn't offer any paid benefits). But now I wont even be able to afford my medications, because I have learned my medical benefits have been cut off as well! (I knew I should of have gotten my supply a head of time).
I am trying my best to put on a "happy face" but it's hard faking it for everyone. I am playing two people at once and it's getting tiring. Might as well let loose since I don't have to worry about a job or school anymore. Damn it all!
I just don't understand. What am I supposed to do now? I dont have another plan. This plan was my future. Now I dont have a plan, and I can't picture a future after all this. Geez... Life is so hard. Everyone always says it can be worse. It's true, because I have been worse. As a kid I was at the bottom of the totem pole. I worked so hard to get to the top, only to be bumped back down to where I started, but even worse off, because now I have credit and debt and finances to worry about. I don't want to go back to the bottom. Im too tired to try again.
I did my best in school, went to college to get a diploma that cost me 10 grand only to end up working a minimum wage job for my field, and then being fired while I already being kicked around on the ground by the rest of life.
Why even try anymore? *shakes her head*

 

[rjtransient]

MizzASG,

PM me if talking to someone would help. I'm in Ontario too. I'm getting to know the system.

I'm sorry everything has hit you at once. Take time for yourself, and try not to blame yourself for not being able to see the future.

 

[MizzASG]

Thanks rj. You will find the system sucks. This is what our tax money goes to... health care that barely helps, or even cares for that matter. They reject me because I havent completely fallen off the wagon, and trying my darndest to keep it all together (at least on the outside).
But now I don't see a point any more. Why keep it all together now, since I dont have a friggin job anymore to worry about, I don't have any kind of good reference from them because I got fired for being "unreliable".
It doesn't matter during the year I worked there I saved a trucker who kept going in and out of coma from diabetic shock while he was in the yard. It doesn't matter that when our staff got cut, and we got double the work on top, me and my co worker kept it together and ran all operations smoothly, we even caught tresspassers and busted the guy who kept vandalizing the washrooms during that hectic time. And what about the time some guy with a lot of balls tried stealing a loaded trailer of goods on my shift? The guys whose face I CLEARLY caught on camera while I was calling authorities after he broke through the security gate? It doesn't matter at all! because for one week I was breaking down, and called in sick (with a doctors note) for two days.
I dont want to go to the labor ministry because I already did that earlier, and it didn't get me no where. It sucks. It all does. I shouldn't even bother anymore because its just added stress.
I need a break god dammit. I can see myself jumping off a tall bridge, and just floating in the air, feeling the wind on my skin...maybe I should try sky diving... lol. :crazy:

 

[MizzASG]

BAH! I went to see my doctor today. I told him how I was feeling lately, and what was going on. It was a little hard to get personal with him, but I'm glad I did. He needed to know so he can help me better, after all. But yea, he told me to not worry about whats going on at work, and to focus on myself and getting better. He even suggested taking a 6 week (summer vacation). Though it sounds wonderful, I would never be able to afford that hah. It's nice to think about though. He also reassured me these feelings are normal, and that PTSD wants me to feel this way, but I have to realize it's NOT ME making myself feel this way, but only I can get out of such feelings. He told me that I do have control, and that he thinks I'm smart enough to distinguish this. He told me that the people at work putting negative labels on me is not because I am not a good worker, but because they see the PTSD. PTSD Me is not the same as just "Me"...so I have to focus on ME more instead of worrying about what others are thinking. He also encouraged me to go to the hospital and not to be afraid, because they will only help, and if it's voluntary I can leave anytime usually.
I feel a little better after talking to him..he helped me put a lot of my far out thoughts into a more grounded perspective. He told me it's all about the learning curve, and sometimes it takes time.
Writing all this out also helps... I am feeling better today. Hopefully these little mental and medical tweaks can help me help myself out =)

 

[MizzASG]

I wish the world could stop spinning so I could fall off! My plans fell apart. It keeps getting worse. I don't understand whats going on anymore. I feel lost, confused, and scared. Where is my future? I don't know, because I can't envision one anymore. I was gonna work my ass off in the summer, me and my bf would save as much as possible so I can go back to school. I would been done in a year, working part time during the course..then hopefully get into Ubisoft or perhaps EA gaming and perhaps open my own part time business...and we were gonna get a house. All in 3 years. It was the perfect plan!
Now it's been wiped away in one swoop. No jobs in the market. Can't afford to go back to school with no money. Gov't loans wont cover even half the cost of it. I can't take any line of credit cuz I already have one that I owe 10 g's on. I can't even afford my leased car anymore. I can't afford to give it back. The plan that I once envisioned is gone. And all I see in my future is darkness. I can't even picture being with my BF of 5 years anymore. I can feel he is getting tired of my antics. I don't blame him. His ex is coming back into the picture. The thing is, she just got separated from her husband of 8 months. I know what shes like. But I can't do anything, because if I do, I might kill her. I never liked her. I was able to tolerate her, because she would come over every now and then and we'd go out to bars with the rest of the gang, but I never liked her. She accused me of cheating when I certainly never did any such thing.
and everybody is moving away, going forward in direction. I am here, feeling as if I'm ten steps behind everyone. No one is gonna be around anymore. Great..more seclusion.

Sometimes I'm watching t.v and it's feels like my couch is gone and I am falling. It's very weird... never experienced that before. My adrenaline is high. I can barely eat. Drinking LOTS of water...trying my best to keep my mind off of things. Helping my "brother in law" move into his new house, fix things up. Helps get all the energy out, but I'm still running high. The ideations and thoughts keep creeping into my head. I feel like I wanna fight someone. Beat the crap outta some poor sap who gets in my way. I am so angry! Angry because I have become so helpless so suddenly. I was always so independent, happy, optimistic. It's like I've done a 180.
I need Fight Club, lol!

 

[Tessa]

I am so sorry all this is piling up on you. I remember a saying when I was losing my job and my husband then lost his job because of me and the bullies were at my throat,my daughter had cancer and another daughter was forced at knifepoint into abortion....I put this up near my desk and hung on for all I could...

"When all my hopes and dreams are fading like a shadow
When all my plans lie crumpled at my feet
I will look up and know that night must bring tomorrow
And that my Lord will bring me what I need"

Hang in there.

Hugs
Tessa

 

[MizzASG]

Thanks for the kind words Tessa.

Today I'm exhausted. I am fighting with myself, trying to keep under control. I wanted to go to the hospital after my last post, because I really thought I was gonna just go out and beat someone up. But then I remembered my twin is coming to visit this weekend. If I went to the hospital I wouldn't of been able to see her. So I didn't go. I just concentrated on seeing my sister. I miss her so much. I wish she didn't move up north. I hate driving up the 400 highway. Thats why I stopped visiting. I am scared of driving for 2 hours on the highways. So now she comes down here to visit me. Its hard for her because she a broke college student on a summer co op that doesnt pay. But she does it for me.
I'm glad I stayed because me and my sister talked about lots of things last night. My sister was in depression during our teen years so she understand a lot of it. Shes the only one. She feels my pain, just like I felt hers when she was going through it. I told her about wanting to go to the hospital, she encouraged it, and told me my doc was right. Apparently the only way I'll be able to see a counselor and therapist is if I admit myself, and they will assign me a team. They will work with my doc. She did that when she ran away from home. She ran to the hospital. I had no idea. She said F@k work...just get better.
She's right. I talked to my BF about everything. He said hes trying his best but he can't take it anymore. He started yelling. Not at me..he was just getting worked up about our situation. But it scared me and I started crying. He was telling me that he goes to work in a steel factory everyday where his co workers have bad morale... he deals with bull poop at work. He comes home and he deals with it again with me. He's tired of it. He tells me I drive him into video games because when he comes home from after midnight I'm usually too out of it and tired. He never sees the happier more perky any more. He says he still loves me, but the stress is just too much. I told him I understand how frustrated he is. I told him I'll go admit myself to the hospital. He said he didn't care, whatever it takes to keep moving in the RIGHT direction. He's fed up with the doctors and the medications.
So when the long weekend is over, I am gonna go to the hospital and admit myself. I don't care anymore. Who cares if people who know me see me. Everyone will go through it once in their life where they need to be here. Thats why it exists, right?
Man even when I'm smiling and almost...happy, the thoughts bring me back to anger and hopelessness. I don't know how to control them anymore. I really do need help. *sigh* I wish choice wasn't so damn complicated.
I'm gonna go watch FightClub now (one of the greatest most under rated movies ever starring the heart throb sexy man Brad Pitt LOL)

 

[Tessa]

Hang in there. It sounds really tough right now. One step at a time.

Please take care
Hugs
Tessa

 

[Tessa]

How are you doing ? Thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Hugs
Tessa

 

[MizzASG]

Hey Tessa, thanks for checkin in...I appreciate it.

The last couple days I have been feeling better. Not so much suicidal anymore, but more lethargic and angry now. Maybe it's the heat thats making me so tired (sweating day and night in humid weather). But either way, it's not so bad.
I'm going to my doctors tomorrow. I am going to tell him I want off these meds. They are not working, and the side effect of sweating is making the heat even more unbearable. I can do this all summer.
But I can't stop thinking about how I got let go from work. I constantly hear the voice of the human resources manager saying "you're unreliable...we lost the contract because of issues like yours"
I can't get it to stop. When I finally do its only for a couple minutes and it comes back. It makes me angry and so anxious...makes me feel like I wanna fight, like my insides wanna just jump out.

Gosh. I just don't know anymore. This is so tiring. Soon I have a meeting with my insurance company and lawyers about my accident from 2+ years ago. It's gonna be hard. I don't know how I should be feeling anymore. I feel so confused still.

Anger. Hopelessness. Confusion. That pretty much sums up the past week.

 

[Tessa]

Hang in there. I understand a lot of what you say and this stuff drags on and on with insurance companies. I remember seeing photos of myself with my hands unconsciously clenched all the time trying to hang on.

Hugs
Tessa