Sexual Assault My Dad Is Still Friends With My Abuser - Should I Cut Him Off?

[want2forgive]

My abuse is not as bad as I know some people have experienced. It was a one-time thing. When I was around 7 years old, my dad's best friend and I were playing rugby in the living room. We rolled and he touched me "there". It wasn't an accident. He used two fingers and pressed down.

I told my dad what happened (my mother always told me to tell). I can't remember what he said after I told him, but I remember the next time we were in the car, he played me a song where the lyrics were like "daddy, someone told me to lie." Nothing changed and we still saw this family friend.

A few months ago, I brought up how he had ignored what I told him. He said he would speak to his friend less. Then, a few weeks later, we were driving and his friend called. My dad answered and proceeded to have quite a long conversation with him right in front of me. Afterwards, I confronted him again. He said he was sorry, but I can't remember what he said he would do in regards to his friend. He said it would be awkward to bring it up with his friend. I told him I wanted him to cut the guy off.

Today, I visited my dad and his friend called. My dad didn't answer it, which is good, but suggests that they're still in contact. I checked his phone and found messages from his friend. He had changed his friend's name/alias to disguise their communication.

It seems he has no intention of cutting his friend off. I understand that he might not think what happened to me is big deal. It was "just" one touch, and since we were roughhousing, could be perceived as an accident. And this guy is my dad's second-oldest childhood friend. Still, this whole incident has affected me deeply. My father's reaction probably more than the actual event.

The question I'm debating now is... Should I cut my father off? I love him, but this hurts me so much. I resent the fact that he's still friends with this guy even after he saw how much he hurt me. Some dads would kill their best friends if they found out they'd touched their daughter. I feel like my dad has chosen his friend over me, or is trying to have us both. I'm not cool with this at all. My dad could cut the guy off, but I feel like it's too late now. I don't want him to cut off his friend because I forced him to. I want him to do it because he wants to, but it's too late. He didn't.

TL;DR: My dad is still friends with my abuser, even after I told him not to be.

Should I cut him off?

 

[InLimbo82]

want2forgive, I dearly understand what this feels like, but with my mother and over a few years of sexual abuse with my stepfather and stepbrother. Anyway, we wish, really wish, we could control who our parent chooses to be around and stay in contact with, but it is just unrealistic. I find that people like you and me have to dissociate our feelings about our parent from our abuser(s) because our parents have a huge lack of understanding and sensitivity to our situation. They will never understand it the way we do, and yes sometimes, until we can resolve these feelings within ourselves, we should separate from them temporarily.

I cannot tell you what to do, but if it's revenge or trying to get them to change their mind about the abusers, it's just seems utterly futile, because it requires them to see the truth, which is hurtful to them. If they did, it could deconstruct their whole lives, and this isn't sympathy for them, but is an explanation that makes sense to me. I mean there are a millions of reasons under the sun for them to betray us, yet keep their other relationship alive and healthy. I think my mother has to be mentally ill, possibly sicker than me to refuse to change the obvious. I think "I pity the fool."

Why does this "friend" always seem to call while you're with your dad? Its akin to him taunting you. Do you think this person is aware of you're whereabouts with your dad, like they talk about their day together or something? That is what best friends do. Also, I know there's got to be fierce jealously going on between you 3. You're dad doesn't sound like he's good with boundaries either. I think maybe you already know what to do, so do what will bring you peace of mind.

When my mother visits from her state, she rarely brings her husband around, and if he does, I don't allow any alone time for him to be around my daughter, and I make my in-laws aware of this too, when we are all together. I lock my doors, windows and daughter off, and she knows she isn't to sit on his lap, and can tell him no when something feels uncomfortable. I also watch my mother for careless behavior too like not monitoring her husbands activities. I'm strict, but with a purpose. I know I can't avoid all situations or people, but I'll do my best to protect her and help her protect herself.

Set up your boundaries and be firm. Don't be wishy-washy or else that's what they'll treat it as. You're important, your feelings are important too, that's why I'm validating you. You're not crazy. If you have any questions or want to message me about anything, please do. My door is always open.