bluemonday
New Here
I left a message on the introductions thread and have been inspired to write down my experiences of being a sufferer of PTSD. There may be some 'triggers' in my posts, some of which are linked to childhood experiences...so please take care x
I was just told by someone close to me tonight, 'oh for God's sake! It has been two years since X happened. TWO YEARS. People who have been in plane crashes and people who have lost limbs have gotten over what they went through in weeks? So stop doing this to yourself??'
......Ouch.
The story so far....
Something horrible happened to me 2 years ago. It was the most terrifying experience I could ever had imagined. I never knew something so horrible could happen. I was hopeless, terrified and thought I was going to die. This experience, along with a childhood of a daily fight for survival for 18 years that I never dealt with as an adult has resulted in an official diagnosis of PTSD. Linked to the PTSD I have developed phobias and OCD behaviours. I have just started EMDR and CBT so I do have a long way to go in my recovery I imagine.
My main symptoms are flashbacks and disassociation. These cause quite a depression after each episode. When I first started the therapy, I felt miles better. But I seem to have had an increase in flashbacks lately that have caused this awful depression. The flashbacks are linked to my childhood and sensations of the experience that occured 2 years ago.
Right now....I'm incredibly lonely (tears). I am sick of living this way. I don't want to live like this any more. It's such a lonely journey. I'm surrounded by people every day, I'm popular, I'm seen as an outgoing and funny girl. The truth is, inside, I've fallen apart. I fell apart months ago. A boss of mine once said to me, 'what a gorgeous and friendly personality you have. I would love to be one of your clients'. I was having a bad day and said, 'but you don't know what's going on inside - if only you knew'. He was very disturbed by this comment and said, '....my God, that's made me desperately sad to think this is all an act and you're somehow suffering'...to which I did what I always do and said, 'oh ignore me - time of the month!' and flashed a huge smile over. Brave face and all that.
I'm jealous of people who are able to live their lives without a care in the world. I get angry with myself. I get depressed when I think of the future. I'm living with someone who isn't very sympathetic and who is rather nasty with their tone and comments when I show any distress from the symptoms of this condition (i.e the plane crash comment above). The 'old' me - the girl before PTSD would've ran a mile and put the person in their place. Now...I feel like I'm trapped. The alternative - truly alone and, hey, I know I have a lot to offer. I take care of myself physically but who the hell would want me with when I'm so screwed up inside?! How on earth would want that?? I just crave what other girls crave....to feel loved and wanted but, chances are with this condition hanging around...well...I find this unlikely.
I feel like I'm on my own in this. I feel like my wings have been clipped. I think back to the way I used to live before this condition....I had absolutely no fear or anything. I had so much energy and love for life - I truly embraced life and every opportunity. Now - my life is all about managing PTSD. I'm so desperately alone and can't see a way out of this. I hate the fact that I have to give in to this condition because I'm not yet strong enough to fight it.
I would say I'm quite a popular person...yet I have difficulty retaining close friendships with people. This goes back to my childhood where I spent it alone and fighting for survival. Developing friendships and retaining them was the least of my concerns when I had my survival to take care of. And, besides, if I ever did look as though I was developing a friendship, my mother would ensure it was destroyed.
She was an evil and sadistic drunk. I was tortured and terrified daily and was subject to horrific abuse. I sustained injuries that I had to learn to treat myself, some of which cause me pain to this day. I lived in a very remote area. Away from people. The nearest village where I knew people was an hour's walk away and there was no way of getting there. I was watched every minute of the day. I watched her every minute of the day too constantly on 'high alert' for whatever 'game' she had planned for me on that day. I remember once when a friends mum called my mum and asked if I could go to their birthday party. It was a complete surprise that I was allowed to go but my mother's parting words were, 'if you're kidnapped, drugged and raped all night by a group of men don't you dare come crying to me'. Of course, that ruined the whole day and I ended up going home early in a state. She made sure my childhood was based on fear.
I was alone as a child and teenager and now, as an adult, feel more 'normal' when I'm alone. It feels 'normal'...but being alone on this journey is not very helpful. I keep one friend, a very close friend that I'd trust with my life but I don't want to worry them so just end up putting on a brave face with them at times.
Oh...I wasn't expecting to say all that.
I'll update again soon, hopefully in a better place. Therapy in a couple of days so hoping that'll pick me up a bit too.
Writing this has helped. I've cried a lot. I kinda feel numb and exhausted now so I'm hoping I'll sleep well.
Take care everyone.
Blue xxx
I was just told by someone close to me tonight, 'oh for God's sake! It has been two years since X happened. TWO YEARS. People who have been in plane crashes and people who have lost limbs have gotten over what they went through in weeks? So stop doing this to yourself??'
......Ouch.
The story so far....
Something horrible happened to me 2 years ago. It was the most terrifying experience I could ever had imagined. I never knew something so horrible could happen. I was hopeless, terrified and thought I was going to die. This experience, along with a childhood of a daily fight for survival for 18 years that I never dealt with as an adult has resulted in an official diagnosis of PTSD. Linked to the PTSD I have developed phobias and OCD behaviours. I have just started EMDR and CBT so I do have a long way to go in my recovery I imagine.
My main symptoms are flashbacks and disassociation. These cause quite a depression after each episode. When I first started the therapy, I felt miles better. But I seem to have had an increase in flashbacks lately that have caused this awful depression. The flashbacks are linked to my childhood and sensations of the experience that occured 2 years ago.
Right now....I'm incredibly lonely (tears). I am sick of living this way. I don't want to live like this any more. It's such a lonely journey. I'm surrounded by people every day, I'm popular, I'm seen as an outgoing and funny girl. The truth is, inside, I've fallen apart. I fell apart months ago. A boss of mine once said to me, 'what a gorgeous and friendly personality you have. I would love to be one of your clients'. I was having a bad day and said, 'but you don't know what's going on inside - if only you knew'. He was very disturbed by this comment and said, '....my God, that's made me desperately sad to think this is all an act and you're somehow suffering'...to which I did what I always do and said, 'oh ignore me - time of the month!' and flashed a huge smile over. Brave face and all that.
I'm jealous of people who are able to live their lives without a care in the world. I get angry with myself. I get depressed when I think of the future. I'm living with someone who isn't very sympathetic and who is rather nasty with their tone and comments when I show any distress from the symptoms of this condition (i.e the plane crash comment above). The 'old' me - the girl before PTSD would've ran a mile and put the person in their place. Now...I feel like I'm trapped. The alternative - truly alone and, hey, I know I have a lot to offer. I take care of myself physically but who the hell would want me with when I'm so screwed up inside?! How on earth would want that?? I just crave what other girls crave....to feel loved and wanted but, chances are with this condition hanging around...well...I find this unlikely.
I feel like I'm on my own in this. I feel like my wings have been clipped. I think back to the way I used to live before this condition....I had absolutely no fear or anything. I had so much energy and love for life - I truly embraced life and every opportunity. Now - my life is all about managing PTSD. I'm so desperately alone and can't see a way out of this. I hate the fact that I have to give in to this condition because I'm not yet strong enough to fight it.
I would say I'm quite a popular person...yet I have difficulty retaining close friendships with people. This goes back to my childhood where I spent it alone and fighting for survival. Developing friendships and retaining them was the least of my concerns when I had my survival to take care of. And, besides, if I ever did look as though I was developing a friendship, my mother would ensure it was destroyed.
She was an evil and sadistic drunk. I was tortured and terrified daily and was subject to horrific abuse. I sustained injuries that I had to learn to treat myself, some of which cause me pain to this day. I lived in a very remote area. Away from people. The nearest village where I knew people was an hour's walk away and there was no way of getting there. I was watched every minute of the day. I watched her every minute of the day too constantly on 'high alert' for whatever 'game' she had planned for me on that day. I remember once when a friends mum called my mum and asked if I could go to their birthday party. It was a complete surprise that I was allowed to go but my mother's parting words were, 'if you're kidnapped, drugged and raped all night by a group of men don't you dare come crying to me'. Of course, that ruined the whole day and I ended up going home early in a state. She made sure my childhood was based on fear.
I was alone as a child and teenager and now, as an adult, feel more 'normal' when I'm alone. It feels 'normal'...but being alone on this journey is not very helpful. I keep one friend, a very close friend that I'd trust with my life but I don't want to worry them so just end up putting on a brave face with them at times.
Oh...I wasn't expecting to say all that.
I'll update again soon, hopefully in a better place. Therapy in a couple of days so hoping that'll pick me up a bit too.
Writing this has helped. I've cried a lot. I kinda feel numb and exhausted now so I'm hoping I'll sleep well.
Take care everyone.
Blue xxx
