My Eldery Abusive Dad Is Dying

[leelee]

and I dont how how to feel/deal with it. we have made peace with each other and have very little contact. He seems hurt/grieving over my brothers death in May. I didnt relize he could have those feelings due to past experienciecs, some people never change they just get older. Again due to a few years ago experience. I dont know to go vist him (guilt) or even if he would want me to. If I do I chance on his wicked behavior and being hurt. What would that change anyway? It has made me sad and crying spurks . Trying to shake it off and be strong is tired and frustrating. Why do I feel sorry for him, him and my mom provided me with a lonley childhood from hell. My mom passed 14 yrs ago. We were at peace but of course she was still disapointed of me. She did apoligize before she died for everything she ever done to me and I forgave her. I have forgave him to. Has anyone else been here??????

 

[Muted]

I have not been there, but I can imagine how mixed you must feel. You are in a tough situation. I wish you the best in working through this.

 

[The Albatross]

That you are feeling compassion for your father in spite of you're childhood is pretty natural. In my case, I had by phone contact with my father and arranged for my brother to visit ahead of myself. My trip was booked, but he indicated to me the day before he passed, "I don't think I can wait til you visit...". I told him it was okay, and that I would be okay.

It was more about him than it was for me. It is an individual thing though... my own choice was to honor and do what I could to ease the passing of my father. He though, expressed many regrets about what happened in our home before he became ill and I forgave him.

If you have forgiven him too, then perhaps explore more about how his passing may affect you. I had to do that for myself and when I was clear about it... the lengths I took during his illness to be in relationship were easier because I was coming from a place of choice. (????)

 

[Teamwork]

Yes I've been here. I've seen both parents pass and under different circumstances and different mind states for me. Both my parents were highly abusive, one the abuser the other did her bidding. I had done the work long before they were faced with their death and I was faced with their passing. For me much time and space had already passed so it was literally just their passing and a final absence from my life, as opposed to just being absent to me. My siblings spent more time with them as they lived in the same city, but it was very divided. Half loved mom more than dad the others were solidly pro dad. My parents deaths, highlighted the family dynamics and dysfunction.
In the immediate, the actual having to go through the process of their deaths I saw that I had a different role than I was accustomed to. My siblings saw me as the one to lead spiritually and wanted prayer over them.
I saw too that grief was an individual journey. It was what I had to do to get through and know that it was mine. I by then had learned some things about love and honor and respect. Those three words were what I owed my parents even though the relationship was marred by their inability to be anything close to deserving of it. So for me it meant I honoured their birthdays, wasn't disrespectful towards them, and understood as far as I could where they were coming from to have strayed so far from living a life that showed love and respect back to the kids they brought into this world.

 

[leelee]

So I called him a couple of times today. He finally called back. I live a couple of hours away. He does not need anything or for me to do anything and does not want me to come down there. He wants to make sure I have a copy of his will, he said so I will know what he wants done. We talked for a few minutes. We argued a little(over turkey burgers) it seems anytime we have talked (wich has been few) we always disagree over something. Why? dont know. i told him to call anytime but I know he wont and I dont think it would be good for me if he did. I will respect him and his wishes and stay away.. Its probally for the best anyway. At least I can hopefully be at peace at least for now.

 

[Teamwork]

I hope he was being honest with you , it's hard to really know for sure isn't it? Either way do what you would have no regrets doing. Call if you need, to go see him if you need to. Or do whatever is in your best judgment that will make the most sense and the best outcome for you.

 

[The Albatross]

Often times it is a form of distancing/denial about their own circumstance that can lead to minor disagreement as they struggle for a sense of control over their situation so I wouldn't fret about it. You initiated contact and he made his wishes known... that is good for now. It becomes then a matter of self examination about closure and what all that may entail for you to deal with the inevitability of his passing and what blow/kick back there may be for you in this, if any.

My father's choice was to cut off all family except for by phone, with contact he did change this to his advantage and peaceful passing even if I wasn't present and that was okay.

How are you feeling... what are you thinking right now?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

After a twenty-some year parentectomy from my abusive parents, I did come back when I found out my Dad was dying.

There is something about the end of life process that leads some to restructure their relationships in a healthier fashion. My father did so. As a result, we were close during his final two years of life. He died at peace, and I experienced closure and his love.

It was worth my effort.