My Family Don't Believe My Sexual Abuse Because I Never Told Anyone For 35 Years.

[It's all my fault]

So, I have wonderful siblings who love me very, very much. I had my first ever manic attack 3 years ago and it was beyond bad. I had multiple suicide attempts and was out of my mind!. I was truely crazy. It was then that the flashbacks started, bad. I remember part of what was done to me but have suppressed a lot of it.

My sexual abuser was a very close family friend and I never said anything for years. I always knew something happened, part of the abuse but my memory felt like I was in a fog. Then I got sick and so much more became clear. Although my sister says she believes me I can tell from her actions she does not. I know my brother was told (not by me) and he has never brought it up. My aunt said well when I asked your siblings they never knew about it till you lost your mind. I flipped out, to say the least. My mom after hearing continued to have a friendship with him for 2 years after she was told. I demanded she break ties with him this summer....nice protector she was. My friends believe me, as does my therapist.

It is so hurtful to feel like my family thinks I am lying because I went nuts. I told them, well, people deny this for years because of shame. I definitely did. It hurts me so much that I don't have their support because if the shoe were on the other foot, I would hope I would act differently. I have just dropped it with them because nothing good will come out of it if I don't. Shame is a horrible thing, you see my name listed here, I just don't want to get added shame on this from the people I love.

 

[Lucycat]

No it's not - your fault that is.

I never told for a similar length of time. My brothers were shocked and horrified. My mother cried on the phone and said 'I have to go back into the other room where he is'. Then later, when he had been tried, found guilty and went to prison, she accepted him back afterwards.

So it was like ' yes I believe you, but actually I don't care. My relationship with him is more important than my relationship with you' She never actually said those words but that is what I heard.

It hurts. But it gets better, and with therapy you can lay the shame and guilt aside and learn to believe in yourself again.

May I repeat - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It is not your fault. People are great at denial, people like to believe what is simpler for them to believe and what doesn't make them face things they would like to ignore. The history of the world shows this.

You were brave enough to stand up and say it happened. You can not change their reaction and I would not count on it so much (I know that hurts). Worry about your recovery...

 

[Echo]

@It's all my fault - I feel for you, because I'm in a similar situation. I didn't have a "manic attack" or go "nuts", but I can tell you, it didn't make any difference. My family does not want to support me; they have never supported me. My parents did not help me when I was raped in their hearing right under their nose, and ... then I discovered my parents had abused me, too. My siblings are in denial. None of them want to fit this thing into their worldview of a perfect family life.

In order to heal, I am having to have nothing to do with any of them for a while - it may become permanent, I don't know at this stage. I can't deal with endless minimising of what is happening to me, have them say I wasn't raped, why don't I just put the past behind me (tra la la), that I shouldn't upset my parents, etc., etc., and have the brain space to heal. The key thing for me is to have time and space to examine what I do remember and the effect on my body and behavioural patterning. To allow myself the grace to believe myself.

I also feel stunned by their reaction. I would be deeply upset if I discovered a sibling of mine had been raped, but they all just continue to go about their business, apparently emotionless. My youngest sibling, when told I had PTSD due to the rape, told me I was on my own.

If in the end they lose me, then that is what it must be. I will have gained myself and the freedom from fear, I hope.

I hope you find a way to concentrate on you and to forget how they are all reacting. It is deeply painful, but you deserve the care and consideration from yourself and your therapist, and I hope friends, that you family don't want to entertain.

 

[Wolvescry]

I am very sorry to hear the reaction you have gottan. I am sure many people including myself can relate in many ways. People treat me as if I am crazy and nothing happen to which I consider to be one of the hardest parts of ptsd, is the judgment the doubt. I wish I can be crazy, I wish it could all be in my head, I wish I didn't have to relive it. I wish I can help you more, I wish I can make the people in your life understand.

 

[Wolvescry]

I listen to this song and it really connected with me, maybe it can connect with you to, I put it in the success column called "be not so fearful" let me know what you think.

 

[Springer80]

Denial of trauma is a protective mechanism. You know this because you tried to adopt it by supressing your experience. Ultimately though you cannot be afforded the apparent luxury of denial because these things happend to you.

They on the otherhand live life on the other side of that mechanism. Accepting, confronting or supporting you in what has happend would negate their stable psychological position. It would also cause and require actions, like for instance divorce, public scrutiny brought on by shunning an abuser etc. Also it forces introspection about the level of cupability a bystander had in events. People dont want to rip their own lives apart, not even for their own offspring. Not even when that child is desperate and enduring horror. That fact is more chilling than the acts perpertrated against you. I certainly felt and knew that. I knew it implictly at the age of 12 as my family became detached and silent.

Perhaps you didnt tell them for so long because essentially you knew that they were not prepared to support you. It doesnt mean you deseved it or it was your fault. It means, unfortunately, that they are weak and that they are prepared to be unwittingly cruel to you in defence of their own position.

The only thing I can say is protect yourself from it. Deem yourself worthy of better treatment and by the way I think you do, otherwise you wouldnt be trying to get the response you need from them. However, they aren't the people to give it. They are on the other side of a wall they have built and you can't make them remove it.

Im sorry that your hurting.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I have to say though that I really admire your courage to get up and speak your truth. That's huge.

I agree with Springer80 that fear of not being believed may have kept you from doing it earlier. That's the same for a lot of us. That's what they call the Culture of Silence.

I don't want to give you to see possibilities where none exist, but maybe, just maybe, despite their initial reaction, what you said may rattle around their heads for a while. Maybe they're thinking about it and wondering. Maybe they'll put 2 and 2 together and come around to believing you. Big maybe but its possible.

Take care.

 

[Springer80]

It can get better with some Willykat I agree. My brother and I can finally have conversations in which he divulged that he too had the notion that the non abusing adult in our family knew what was happening but pyschologically couldnt cope with it and so pretended it wasn't.

Interestingly though he nor I brings that same fact up about himself.

So you see what I mean about the mechanistic nature of it.

I should also point out its been about ten years, possibly longer since I told him directly what had happend to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Off topic, but I've been wanting to say this for awhile. I hope that once you get to a better place, you can pick a better username that is more positive I guess you could say?

My last username was fear-based as I was "ScaredOfLonely" and as soon as Anthony allowed username changes, I jumped right on it. I wanted "SOL" as that's what everyone called me anyway, but it was taken. I decided on "Solara" which means of the sun (light) and I thought it was perfect given my healing journey. Coincidentally, it's also a name from one of my favorite movies.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. I hope I didn't offend you as that wasn't my intent.

 

[ms spock]

@It's all my fault what you are talking about is the norm in incestuous families where child rape and child sexual abuse occur.

This is standard operating procedure in child sexual abuse/incestuous family dynamics unfortunately.

I feel for you and your pain. I really do.

 

[Springer80]

I know this is off topic and its a bug bear of mine, so its not personal but incest is by definition consenting. Incest is simply a physical relationship between family members. Child abuse and or rape isnt consenting. It used to make my skin crawl seeing or hearing it used in the media in the wrong context because the inference is so unpalatable and victims often get blamed anyway without the suggestion of this misconstrued meaning.