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Sexual Assault I Never Believed This Was Sexual Abuse...
- Post starter MoriMermaid
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- #14
MoriMermaid
Bronze Member
I don't want anyone to understand. Okay? I really don't want to explain anymore. It wasn't abuse. Please leave it at that. I'm going to speak to a professional about it. I don't fit here.
joeylittle
Sponsor
@MoriMermaid - there are many points on the spectrum between 'it's all my fault' and 'it's not to do with me, it was all them'.
Cognitive distortion is the psychology term for the various ways in which our thinking bends. It's similar to ideas like 'seeing things out of proportion', or 'jumping to conclusions', or 'beating yourself up'. But when these patterns of thought become pathological for a person - in other words, when they are so ingrained that they apply to any situation that bears a resemblance to another, and the individual can't 'interrupt' their own thinking, to a degree that the thoughts seem like truths - they are considered cognitive distortions. False beliefs.
Most people with mental illnesses - all sorts of mental illnesses, not just PTSD - have cognitive distortions. They are a great indicator that something in your own mind is working against you.
The great thing about them is that they can be worked on, and working on them - while sometimes tedious - is extremely effective and brings relief almost immediately.
There is another concept in mental health - core beliefs. Core beliefs are the things we believe are most central to ourselves - our identity, who we are, what we are made of. They often closely reflect our values; but they can also reflect our experiences as well. They begin to be shaped early in life - and this is why things we experience in childhood have so much ongoing impact in our lives.
The bullying you experienced when you were young sounds genuinely horrible. I was bullied, some; I remember how terrifying it was, and the constant toll it took on me. I had some neglect experiences prior to that, and they also taught me that I could only rely on myself, that I was 'different', and I was abnormal, somehow. The bullying helped re-enforce that belief, as did other events.
So - right here, we can see how, as I child, I was developing negative core beliefs, and they were being re-enforced by cognitive distortions - thoughts that I deserved what I got, I wasn't worth anything else, I was supposed to isolate, etc.
This is all really painful stuff, all on it's own. There is no-one here who would say your pain isn't real, or lesser-than.
I wold guess that this most recent incident conjured up and validated many of those old thoughts and feelings. That's what it sounds like you are saying, by what you wrote. In fact, negative core beliefs and cognitive distortions can blow things up faster than anything - push the right button, and all the bad becomes super-magnified, very intense - very real, for the person experiencing it.
The value of sharing that stuff in a group is to get some outside perspective. Cognitive distortions by definition twist our perception. And negative core beliefs keep us trapped there. Other sets of eyes and minds can help.
You have a few things going on. You have unresolved events in childhood. Talking to a therapist is going to help you work that stuff out. It might even be helpful to do some EMDR on it. The events you describe are likely not Trauma, in the clinical definition - what some people call big-T-Trauma. But it's certainly traumatic - little-T-trauma. And 'little' doesn't refer to small or tiny, it just means that it's not a level of trauma that would specifically lead to PTSD. EMDR is used to process and diminish those past events that cause pain. It's very effective, especially in conjunction with any kind of cognitive-based therapy - CBT, DBT, ACT - these are things that will help you re-write your core beliefs, build positive ones where the negative ones were, and address the cognitive distortions that cause you pain.
The event you describe with the guy online isn't sexual abuse. Now, that doesn't mean it's not a scary, painful thing that happened. It is. It's just not sexual abuse; I'm not even sure it would clinically be considered abuse. What is important, I think, has more to do with untangling what kept you going back; you describe it as being a terrifying experience, to see what had been written there. You aren't bad or wrong or 'at fault' for going back - it's an important bit of information that will help untangle the bigger issue that is most certainly going on, underneath.
Knowing only this much of your story, it's impossible to say what's really happening for you, mental-health wise. It is possible to say that nothing you've described would cause PTSD, and the exchange with the guy over the internet wasn't sexual abuse - it was a form of self-abuse, or compulsion, and might tie into other behaviors in your life that we know nothing about.
You also may have events that you've not shared in this narrative because they don't seem relevant to you - but a therapist will understand how to context them, because they may in fact be very relevant.
So: something did happen, yes; your feelings are real, yes; you're suffering right now - yes. I can validate all that for you, very confidently.
My advice is to not try and label it, because that might influence the way you go about getting help, and it could take you down the wrong roads. I think it would be fair to say that you don't know what it is, exactly. But you have an assemblage of experiences and beliefs, and they lead to you feeling very badly about yourself. Find a therapist - talk with them. See where it goes.
Cognitive distortion is the psychology term for the various ways in which our thinking bends. It's similar to ideas like 'seeing things out of proportion', or 'jumping to conclusions', or 'beating yourself up'. But when these patterns of thought become pathological for a person - in other words, when they are so ingrained that they apply to any situation that bears a resemblance to another, and the individual can't 'interrupt' their own thinking, to a degree that the thoughts seem like truths - they are considered cognitive distortions. False beliefs.
Most people with mental illnesses - all sorts of mental illnesses, not just PTSD - have cognitive distortions. They are a great indicator that something in your own mind is working against you.
The great thing about them is that they can be worked on, and working on them - while sometimes tedious - is extremely effective and brings relief almost immediately.
There is another concept in mental health - core beliefs. Core beliefs are the things we believe are most central to ourselves - our identity, who we are, what we are made of. They often closely reflect our values; but they can also reflect our experiences as well. They begin to be shaped early in life - and this is why things we experience in childhood have so much ongoing impact in our lives.
The bullying you experienced when you were young sounds genuinely horrible. I was bullied, some; I remember how terrifying it was, and the constant toll it took on me. I had some neglect experiences prior to that, and they also taught me that I could only rely on myself, that I was 'different', and I was abnormal, somehow. The bullying helped re-enforce that belief, as did other events.
So - right here, we can see how, as I child, I was developing negative core beliefs, and they were being re-enforced by cognitive distortions - thoughts that I deserved what I got, I wasn't worth anything else, I was supposed to isolate, etc.
This is all really painful stuff, all on it's own. There is no-one here who would say your pain isn't real, or lesser-than.
I wold guess that this most recent incident conjured up and validated many of those old thoughts and feelings. That's what it sounds like you are saying, by what you wrote. In fact, negative core beliefs and cognitive distortions can blow things up faster than anything - push the right button, and all the bad becomes super-magnified, very intense - very real, for the person experiencing it.
The value of sharing that stuff in a group is to get some outside perspective. Cognitive distortions by definition twist our perception. And negative core beliefs keep us trapped there. Other sets of eyes and minds can help.
You have a few things going on. You have unresolved events in childhood. Talking to a therapist is going to help you work that stuff out. It might even be helpful to do some EMDR on it. The events you describe are likely not Trauma, in the clinical definition - what some people call big-T-Trauma. But it's certainly traumatic - little-T-trauma. And 'little' doesn't refer to small or tiny, it just means that it's not a level of trauma that would specifically lead to PTSD. EMDR is used to process and diminish those past events that cause pain. It's very effective, especially in conjunction with any kind of cognitive-based therapy - CBT, DBT, ACT - these are things that will help you re-write your core beliefs, build positive ones where the negative ones were, and address the cognitive distortions that cause you pain.
The event you describe with the guy online isn't sexual abuse. Now, that doesn't mean it's not a scary, painful thing that happened. It is. It's just not sexual abuse; I'm not even sure it would clinically be considered abuse. What is important, I think, has more to do with untangling what kept you going back; you describe it as being a terrifying experience, to see what had been written there. You aren't bad or wrong or 'at fault' for going back - it's an important bit of information that will help untangle the bigger issue that is most certainly going on, underneath.
Knowing only this much of your story, it's impossible to say what's really happening for you, mental-health wise. It is possible to say that nothing you've described would cause PTSD, and the exchange with the guy over the internet wasn't sexual abuse - it was a form of self-abuse, or compulsion, and might tie into other behaviors in your life that we know nothing about.
You also may have events that you've not shared in this narrative because they don't seem relevant to you - but a therapist will understand how to context them, because they may in fact be very relevant.
So: something did happen, yes; your feelings are real, yes; you're suffering right now - yes. I can validate all that for you, very confidently.
My advice is to not try and label it, because that might influence the way you go about getting help, and it could take you down the wrong roads. I think it would be fair to say that you don't know what it is, exactly. But you have an assemblage of experiences and beliefs, and they lead to you feeling very badly about yourself. Find a therapist - talk with them. See where it goes.
Sophie's Daddy
Bronze Member
Hi Mori,
I began responding to you this morning from the borderline personality disorder or perspective – BPD – but found I was writing a future-length novel instead.
I stepped away to clear my head and just got back to it now – thank you for bearing with me.
Here's the short version of my response:
I am a 51-year-old man who was diagnosed with BPD about eight years ago.
Prior to that time, I was a train wreck, given to making the lives of most people I met a train wreck, too.
Though they've moved on with their lives and largely – I hope – left memories of me behind, I'm sometimes still a train wreck.
That said, forget about the time you spent online, or how long you knew this person; it doesn't matter here.
BPD for him, like most of us borderlines, have been dealing with it all our lives, for it often originates in childhood, when all of us learn concepts of what it means to love and to trust.
But our closest caretakers – moms, dads, babysitters, extended family, etc. – failed us at this most vulnerable time in our lives. For whatever reason, they simply were there for us.
So, from that point forward, we want so badly to love and to be loved, but our trust issues run so deep that we push those we love away from us, instead opting for isolation.
When we are alone, nobody can hurt us, but in our aloneness, we are terrified, so that option's out, too. It really, truly sucks, so badly that it even has a name.
It's referred to as the Dialectic of BPD; Contradictory emotions and desires, tempered (twisted might be a better word) with a terrible fear of abandonment.
The reason it's worth going into further, possibly for you, too, is because BPD and cPTSD go hand-in-hand, under the right circumstances.
For me, and plenty of unfortunate others who have experienced abuse – physical, emotional, and/or neglect – since day one, it's our reality. Only when you become involved does it become your reality, too, as you now know.
In many ways, you can take this to mean that what happened to you was nothing personal. If the person with whom you interacted truly is BPD, then almost nothing he does is likely to be personal.
Be thankful you're not the wife!
When it comes to relationships, we are in over our heads, our sense of self is shattered/has been all along.
The relationship we have with our Self is not healthy, and so it goes with our relationship with the world around us.
Dr. Judith Herman, in her book Trauma and Recovery put it succinctly: Those with BPD are condemned to live lonely lives.
And so it goes with me, & that's why my dog is my copilot in life. She is able-blessed with-the ability to carry the load that non-BPD people are far more capable of doing; several people wrapped up in one.
She's my best friend, the love of my life a.k.a. surrogate significant other, she puts a smile on my face when she knows I'm down, and is by my side when I need calming.
She asks nothing for this and, in return I find I'm capable of showering her with the things I can only dream about sharing with other people: my love, joy, kindness and warmth.
Because she has helped me come so far with my mindfulness, things such as sudden mood swings and general confusion are not an issue.
Certainly marital infidelity never could be either. With her, I've covered all my bases, I think.
Remember the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks, and his "friend" Wilson the volleyball? Well, in terms of love and friendship, Sophie is my Wilson.
Can any human being provide all these things, guaranteed? Sure, some can come close. But unfortunately no human most likely ever can in the eyes of someone with BPD.
The best I can say to you about your interaction with this person insofar as BPD is concerned is that It's Not Your Fault.
Chances are, if his BPD is undiagnosed, he's already moved on and found someone else who will tolerate (read "enable") his erratic and offensive behavior.
I give you credit, lots of credit for trying to find someone out there, and I'm so, so sorry you ended up on the receiving end of that.
Even when I'm at my best, I've learned to tell myself half-jokingly "I am not the kind of mistake people make twice..." Without that black humor, the bleakness of it all would eat me up inside.
While it breaks my heart to know this about myself, it sure beats breaking the hearts of those who might otherwise dare to love me, as so many have before.
Even still, I'll never give up on myself and my inherent loving nature. It just so happens that this was the road I was meant to walk in this lifetime.
So remember, as I said, it's not your fault.
It's like instant heartbreak mix: just add another person and stir. And this, coming from a BPD survivor. I've been through many therapists about this, and am still so constrained by my trust issues that I've yet to stick with just one.
Thank you for letting me share with you. This forum is the safest place I've ever found to deal with my issues and I hope it'll continue to work for you, too.
With kindness, peace and warmth,
Rich (and Sophie )
You know, I asked questions because I didn't understand your writing or your story. There were details that were unclear like did you ever hook up with him or see him in person or was it on the Internet? Now I know. However, I'm sorry I tried to understand. Not for one second can I walk your path NOR CAN YOU WALK MINE, SISTER. I will spare you my details but you seriously need to take a step back and check where you are coming from and why you are directing aggression toward me for trying to understand. Did I ever minimize what your story was or say I didn't believe you or it wasn't abuse? NO! You did that yourself so perhaps YOU are questioning its validity.
MY pictures are violent, real and in person. Can you picture that? No? Good, because I would never want that nor am I manipulative enough, shaming enough to expect you to know how I felt at 4 and 28... Yes, you need to speak with someone and yes your post pissed me off and I will block you.
How dare you ask me if I can picture your story at 28. I would never want someone to "picture," in your tone, where I was at any point in my struggle. I am here for support on days where it's hard to breathe, but I have to keep rolling anyway. I get that from this forum because, I hope, I am here with an authentic voice and not trying to shame others into believing my story. Every once in a while, I try to reach out to those who are feeling rough and try and comfort them as well. You, however, have come here with a condescending tone... I suggest if you wish to receive help from these really kind people, you change that and open your heart and mind... Good luck...
Gs172003
Diamond Member
You know what? I just read this. I was bullied almost my entire childhood. Not just by schoolmates but by family members and I don't blame them for my abuse. #1. #2. There is a HUGE difference in something you chose to do however often it was to do that you could have very easily blocked...walked away from..etc...than what the majority of us dealt with. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY BEING THE ONE MARRIED TO THAT. How about you try being IN the room. Yelling at you through the screen? Try it in person then we'll talk. How about being shamed for being on your period because then he doesn't get what he wants. Does that paint a picture for YOU?
Don't come into a group like this talking like that if you want help.
And I'm not even going to tell you the whole story cause frankly it ain't worth it
Last edited by a moderator:
I don't think it was your fault and I believe your trauma to be valid. Trauma comes from words it doesn't matter if they come face to face over the phone or on line it is still abuse and trauma. I'm sorry for your pain.
- Post starter
- #20
MoriMermaid
Bronze Member
@joeylittle Thank you for your reply and for believing me. I was once told I had social anxiety, was put on a low dose of medication, and remained on it for close to 13 years. I was too scared to say that it wasn't working, and my doctor and therapist never asked. My experience with the mental health system or the medical profession has been upsetting in itself -- I get sent from person to person and from therapist to therapist with people telling me everything. That it wasn't trauma or that it was, that my chronic pain was this diagnosis or this one or this one. It's defeating when you know something is wrong and you try to tell people and so few listen or tell you things like bullies will grow out it, I'm busy now, or don't you have someone else to talk to. I know I deserve better, and I continue to keep looking. I'm not trying to blame anyone. It's just...at the end of the day there's no one else to blame but myself sometimes when I didn't say something "right." A lot of my medical and therapy appointments are traumatic, too, and upsetting. Don't really know how to explain it any better or differently.
@Esterio Thank you for believing me. It meant a lot.
@Sophie's Daddy This was honest and raw. I didn't mind reading your novel, by any means. :) Thank you for taking me to a place inside yourself that I know N. wouldn't have taken me. Still haven't yet worked out if I want to stay or not.
@Esterio Thank you for believing me. It meant a lot.
@Sophie's Daddy This was honest and raw. I didn't mind reading your novel, by any means. :) Thank you for taking me to a place inside yourself that I know N. wouldn't have taken me. Still haven't yet worked out if I want to stay or not.
joeylittle
Sponsor
@MoriMermaid - do you mind if I ask, why did you seek out an online relationship at the time that you did? Was this your first one?
- Post starter
- #22
MoriMermaid
Bronze Member
@joeylittle I was looking for friends, support. That's it. I don't seek out online relationships.
Hi MoriMermaid Thanks for the post. I'm glad that you found your way here to try and work through what has happen to you. No mater what it is it is affecting you greatly. I myself don't think any story is to small or not Traumatic enough not to tell. It is not only the big stuff that hurts me it is the accumulation of little stuff that runs my mind. All these little things are traveling through my brain so fast iI can't get them written down and I can't stop them. I hope you find what you need. My ears are always open for you.
Peace be safe
But this is a PTSD site. There's a difference between small stuff happening to someone who already has PTSD, and working on parsing that; and small stuff happening in general, or to someone with different mental health issues.
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