My Family Is Intent On Breaking Me.

[zaniara]

Keeping ties with my father is not an option, he is pure poison for me, and the lack of supportive or understanding attitudes from him or other family member's makes it even more imperative for me to stay away so that I can heal.

I cut my father out of my life when my kids were about one year old, since I didn't want to make it possible for him to ever hurt them too. (And even looks can hurt, and confuse children.) Besides I just couldn't have him in my life, since he never stopped crossing my boundaries; and it would have been to allow further abuse. He's not capable of changing either.. So the choice was easy. But I didn't want to lose the rest of my family, but I ended up doing just that. Since they couldn't handle the situation; and I was the one who "destroyed the nice family image".. Sort of. It was one of the most painful things I've gone through in all my life. It felt like dying really.

But I have never regretted it. Ever. It was the right decision, and it enabled me to heal at least some(I didn't get trauma-therapy until the last year, and had trouble healing without it), and I have been able to be a better mother than I would have been if I had let him exist in my life.

I think you got a lot of good advices up there. Arguing with them is not going to help: only make you upset and steal some of your energy. I hope you can handle it all, and congratulations to asserting your self. I cross my fingers and hope it all goes well. Be gentle with your self. Hugs.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks guys.

As you can see, I refused to have to explain everything to my mum, because like I said, no one listens anyway. That, and I got the distinct impression that I was being manipulated for information, and when I held my ground, she backed off.

I don't owe them anything, and my psych taught me a valuable lesson, you can be empathetic without taking responsiblity, but since my father is emotionally manipulative, and so is my mother, I have neither empathy, sympathy or responsibility for either of them.

I've had a few thoughts about whether or not writing the letter and venting would be enough for me, rather than handing the letter over, but I would be ignoring the very rule I keep telling my partner - venting is inappropriate if you have a consistent cause and refuse to deal with it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how appropriately or inappropriately I deal with people, I'm still actually quite fragile and the damage is done and they get to walk away while my partner gets the dustpan and tries to reassemble the splintered shards of me.
No matter how much my father changes, the damage is done, I have to live with it, and I'll do so in the healthiest manner for me, and no one else.

My partner, my baby and I come before anyone else.

 

[Powder]

It is so hurtful when people who really should know better bet against the wrong people in bad, damaging ways.

It's not just that they are enablers, they've been married for years. They are a team. It would be a massive loss. Children are not spouses. We grow up and move out, which was always the deal. They were supposed to love and care for us, but instead they abused us and looked the other way--now they just want us to no longer be their problem. We're supposed to just "make them look good" because they told us long ago we don't really matter.

 

[Powder]

I don't have a relationship with anyone in my family because they still want a relationship with my sister even though she has raped a large number of children in my family. They can have her instead of me. Apparently they all deserve her.

I wish I could like this ten more times.

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's not just that they are enablers, they've been married for years. They are a team.

Yes, I wish it wasn't true, but it's taken me 23 years to realize that I'm not, and will never be responsible for their shit choices in life. And saying that to my mother was LONG overdue. Although my mum switches between understanding and acknowledging the crap, and flat out denying, minimizing or lying about it.
She's threatened to leave only once, and that was after both of us got manipulated and lied to possibly the worst my dad had ever tried on us, so she knows there is problems.

We're supposed to just "make them look good" because they told us long ago we don't really matter.

You have no idea how much this resonates with me, because that is exactly what we were told. Except I remember it being said and done more than anyone else.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I feel so very, very alone right now. I've lost my sister and my mother in one fell swoop.

Mum contacted my brother and said that I'd said that neither of us want dad at the baby shower, and that I'd told my sister that too.

Explained to my bro exactly what I'd said, circumstances and why (explained how ptsd works physiologically and why I avoid dad as a result, and why my brother and I weren't really looking forward to the baby party because of the negative impact it had on us both).

He was completely fine with what I'd said, and decided to tell mum it wasn't true that he felt that way because he wanted to see if mum would sink herself further by lying.

Then he realized that it would mean that it would look like I was passing off my opinion as his, and there was a few forehead smacking moments, but decided to leave it anyway.

But I did confirm with him that he was indeed uncomfortable around dad (tick) I wasn't reading into his responses (tick) and that I wasn't putting my opinion up as his or speaking for him (tick) .

He then went on to say that he stood behind me 100% and his original response to mum was that he could see the negative effect dad could have on me, and so would support dad not coming to the party if that's indeed what I had said. (Before Id even explained what had really been said!)

I feel so horrible in him forced to back one side or another, but he has openly said that he's behind me and supports me all the way.

Despite that being said, I am feeling so very, very alone, without anyone in the world left to support me or to talk about this.

No one to call, text, email or visit and vent to. Nothing left. No one I can trust to keep their mouths shut, not be biased against my ptsd, depression or anything.

I guess I'll just cuddle the dog and scream inside until this is all over.

I wonder how long it is until the voice inside me goes hoarse?

 

[p-no]

Bubzilla, I am sorry you feel so alone and are hurting so much. :( This is a mega-tough route with lots of pain on the way... Can you maybe cuddle with your little baby in your belly? It's your child you have been doing this for, alongside yourself and your partner, from what I understand...

I feel so horrible in him forced to back one side or another

You're not responsible for your mother and sister and father nor anyone else, including your brother who has said will support you. He is responsible for himself. He can say no to talking further about this with anyone. He does not have to make the choice to support you. He has responsibility for his actions and reactions. You can let go. I hope you will find permission inside yourself, maybe not now, maybe later, to let his responsibility for himself go back to him.

I very much wish you moments of peace in between all this emotional turmoil. Maybe you could contact someone on here who you trust and share a little with them so not to stay feeling so alone.

 

[zaniara]

feel so horrible in him forced to back one side or another, but he has openly said that he's behind me and supports me all the way.

Oh, you're really not the one causing all of this!! It's them. You're only doing what you need to in order to take care of YOUR needs, and you have to in order to be a responsible mother to your unborn child. Is your brother not hurt by your parents as well? Then maybe he has a need of his own to not be ruled by them or their shit(sorry for the language). I really hope your brother is strong enough to stand his ground whatever they do/say.

I feel so very, very alone right now. I've lost my sister and my mother in one fell swoop.

I'm so sorry you did. :( And I know it hurts so badly. (I struggled with that grief for years: but without therapy at the time it made it even harder.)

I just wanted to say that I hope you did not take anything I said as criticism. You're doing great. And your emotional responses to it all is healthy: getting angry is healthy. But I just hope that you don't let them get the best of you. Since you said yourself:

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how appropriately or inappropriately I deal with people, I'm still actually quite fragile and the damage is done

- I really hope your therapist and partner(and possibly your brother too; despite the fact that he will get some of the heat and have a lot of descions to make on his own which might cause him pain and suffering: but might give him more freedom to in the end) can give you great support in all of this. And I just tried to point out that talking to sick people can make you feel so sick, that to try to do whatever you can to protect your self is a very smart thing to do. But you're really doing great(not feeling great though!), and you're so very brave! And I hope you can find your strength in thinking about that fact that you do all of this for not only you but for your unborn child too. Hugs!

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's your child you have been doing this for, alongside yourself and your partner

Absolutely, it's what keeps me going. Every kick I feel as I'm writing this letter to my family, and talking to you all on here, is a reminder of my responsibility to keep my little darling safe.

This is a mega-tough route with lots of pain on the way

Yes, but I'm going to take the fact that I'm used to pain, and use it one last time to my advantage before I learn to get un-used to it. The armor is coming out of the cupboard one very last time.

He does not have to make the choice to support you

Yes, and he and my partner have said as much. He wants to support me, and he doesn't require any prompting to defend me. I will take some time to unlearn this 'feeling responsible' disease. It's a bloody killer.

I hope you did not take anything I said as criticism

No, not at all. And reading back over your post, still can't!

But you're really doing great(not feeling great though!), and you're so very brave! And I hope you can find your strength in thinking about that fact that you do all of this for not only you but for your unborn child too. Hugs!

Thank you. What my parents don't seem to realise is that they are now doing to me what their parents did to them when I was born. Except I'm not sticking around for another cycle of this bullshit, I'm gone.

 

[Jenfa]

It's so hard to say goodbye to people we still have to see. I always thought goodbye was goodbye, but these days, not so much. It takes a tremendously courageous person to mourn the loss of a person that was once someone else, but not gone yet. Hardest thing I ever had to learn so far.

 

[Sianm]

I can 100% sympathise with you. Because of my mums poor choice in men, I am having to cut ties with my mum & stepdad. Which in turn has turned my younger brother against me.

It's very hard having to cut ties with people you always expected to have in your life, especially family, but sometimes it's what's best for US. I know that my mum doesn't seem to want to think about my needs (she doesn't understand PTSD & won't take any blame) so I know I have to take care of me. You have to do what's right for you too. I'm going through all the emotions of losing my mum & brother, so I understand it's hard.

My husband and I would like to try for a child, but he's said we won't be trying until all this drama is dealt with as it just wouldn't be good for an unborn baby, and he's completely right. I have to think of what's right for my new family and me. So although I'm heart broken at losing my brother, it's a lot less stressful than having my mum & stepdad around.

Keep strong, and focus on you. You'll get there :-)

 

[ms spock]

But I did confirm with him that he was indeed uncomfortable around dad (tick) I wasn't reading into his responses (tick) and that I wasn't putting my opinion up as his or speaking for him (tick) .

He then went on to say that he stood behind me 100% and his original response to mum was that he could see the negative effect dad could have on me, and so would support dad not coming to the party if that's indeed what I had said. (Before Id even explained what had really been said!)

I am so glad that you have your brother to support and validate you. Focus on that as much as you can.