Hi everyone,
I am was recently triggered and I have yet to find an effective way to help me cope when I am triggered. I hope by joining this forum I can get my thoughts and feelings out.. and that will help me. I guess I will start off with my story.
I was six years old the first night my father visited my room. My dad was abusive to my mother, mentally, and she often would spend months in the mental health hospital. She had missed my sixth birthday and I had been crying for a couple days following. My dad was used to getting what he wanted and with my mom away and I am guessing his woman on the side was busy, he was left with his daughter. I remember not being scared when he walked into my room that night, but when he started to touch me... I cried so loudly and he had to cover my mouth since my brother's room was right next to mine. It is kind of a haze to me now, but I just remember waking the next morning sobbing into my pillows and my father telling me to get up so he could change to sheets. I had never seen so much blood at that point in my life.
For the next two years, that was my life. The bleeding gradually slowed down and the crying turned into a blank stare. However, the thing that still haunts me more than the fact that my father raped me was... that about a year into this he brought his best friend and allowed him to do it to me as well. After the first couple of times with my father's friend, I developed a split personality(diagnosed when I was 10).
My parents got divorced when I was 8, and since I had been experiencing the split personality at the time, I had what is called 'lost time'. My doctor said that lost time is that when the other personality takes over. I went through three years of therapy and keeping a diary (to speak to the other personality), before they were successfully able to fuse the personalities. No one knows what caused my split personality, except for me. I have relived those two years of my life, over and over since its occurrence. I have never had a support system in my life and I have run away from therapy three times now. I am hoping to find a support system, I just can't keep doing it on my own.
Thank you for reading everyone, I may post some more of my trauma from after my parent's divorce.
I am was recently triggered and I have yet to find an effective way to help me cope when I am triggered. I hope by joining this forum I can get my thoughts and feelings out.. and that will help me. I guess I will start off with my story.
I was six years old the first night my father visited my room. My dad was abusive to my mother, mentally, and she often would spend months in the mental health hospital. She had missed my sixth birthday and I had been crying for a couple days following. My dad was used to getting what he wanted and with my mom away and I am guessing his woman on the side was busy, he was left with his daughter. I remember not being scared when he walked into my room that night, but when he started to touch me... I cried so loudly and he had to cover my mouth since my brother's room was right next to mine. It is kind of a haze to me now, but I just remember waking the next morning sobbing into my pillows and my father telling me to get up so he could change to sheets. I had never seen so much blood at that point in my life.
For the next two years, that was my life. The bleeding gradually slowed down and the crying turned into a blank stare. However, the thing that still haunts me more than the fact that my father raped me was... that about a year into this he brought his best friend and allowed him to do it to me as well. After the first couple of times with my father's friend, I developed a split personality(diagnosed when I was 10).
My parents got divorced when I was 8, and since I had been experiencing the split personality at the time, I had what is called 'lost time'. My doctor said that lost time is that when the other personality takes over. I went through three years of therapy and keeping a diary (to speak to the other personality), before they were successfully able to fuse the personalities. No one knows what caused my split personality, except for me. I have relived those two years of my life, over and over since its occurrence. I have never had a support system in my life and I have run away from therapy three times now. I am hoping to find a support system, I just can't keep doing it on my own.
Thank you for reading everyone, I may post some more of my trauma from after my parent's divorce.
