My Fear Of Abandonment And Being Too Chatty When Physically Intimate

[soul_echoes]

My husband and I are having a tough go of things in regards to sex. I'm worried that if I give in to sex, he'll take it as a sign that I condone of his financial behaviors that I've disagreed with lately. There are also family issues affecting both of us. I worry that he'll abandon me, not in the sense of divorce, but that he'll happily go on with life and ignore me. I've communicated my feelings to him and he's been so very patient, but I can't seem to get past this. The last time we were together I started getting really chatty. I've had a lot of feelings bottled up so that I wouldn't be a downer or sound like I'm always nagging him, and when we became more intimate, I got really chatty about it all. Needless to say, it was kind of a mood killer. Finances are tight for counseling, so I'm hopeful that someone can share some advice for us as a couple.

My husband is a very patient, gentle and caring man. He's just a little daft in finances and tends to be overly generous when the kids come to visit.

Thanks in advance for your comments! :)

BACKGROUND:
We had a great time while were dating and while we were engaged. The first part of our marriage was bumpy, but we made it through difficult times such as both of us losing our jobs, and even in spite of being homeless at one time. After I got a job and we had more financial difficulties, things changed greatly. I got upset with how he handled money, even though I knew it would cause difficulties before we were married. The added trauma of being homeless at one time made it that much more difficult for me to feel close to him again.

It's been four years since we were homeless, and I'm still nervous about our financial situation. I lost my job over two years ago. I was fired for mistakes made on the job, but more likely that my personality wasn't a good fit for that business. I have since tried to find another job, but interviews have been few and far between. To complicate matters, my social anxiety has gotten worse. People just simply scare me. I've learned to feel comfortable visiting the in-laws, which was a huge step. I've also been going to a free meal kitchen and chatting with the others there. That's one place where I don't worry about the things I've been through because so many of us have had tough times in life. They also don't seem materialistic like a lot of people out there.

Aside from feeling down about myself for being out of work, I worry about finances and our family situation. My husband has five children from his first marriage. The three oldest have gradually stopped coming to visit for various reasons. He insists on being in control of our finances, and since I don't have a paycheck of my own I feel like a child asking to have my needs met. Furthermore, he has trouble keeping up with bills, not just because he's the only one with an income, but also because he lets things slide. (For instance, he tries to keep the internet from being disconnected and stretch how long before the rent has to be paid - something with which I vehemently disagree.

 

[saffy]

Hi soul_echoes

Firstly welcome to the forum. :)

After reading what you have said you have to try and separate sex with the other realities of the relationship. Being responsible and prioritise with the finances is part of a mature relationship and must be dealt with.

While you are still upset about what is happening your anxiety is going to be through the roof. How are you going to be comfortable and relaxed having sex if your other needs are not being met?

Over talking is a sign of anxiety and a way of stopping the sex without causing confrontation, you are putting it off indirectly in a 'nice' way.

Your worries about money and finances must be dealt with first and by you not feeling like having sex is not a punishment or will not make him leave, but at the moment you are not dealing with the issues properly and that can be confusing to your husband.

It is harder if your hubby is more laid back than you in regards to the finances and does not realise by your actions of being 'chatty' and 'nice' that this is really a problem for you at the moment. You have to be honest with him I am afraid. However hard. Although by what you have said he sound reasonable and approachable :)

Remember a marriage is an equal partnership. You might not be bringing in money at the moment, so what, that does not mean you cannot have any control over the money and where it goes.

Can you Say you would be happier if you could take over the finances?

Talk to him about taking some of the responsibility with the money because that would make you feel more secure about things.

You want to know that the rent is paid, you need to know how much money is left to spend on the children, He needs to remember that he has to be sensible with money when it comes to his children and cannot make up lost time by over spending on them. He also needs to know that you are feeling insecure about becoming homeless again.

Can you sit down and put together a finance plan. Write down all the outgoings first and put a date when this money has to go out, especially when it comes to rent, which is causing you the anxiety due to the past.

What ever is left is free to be spent on other things but the important things like rent has to be rock solid in time and payment. You need to feel secure and you have every right to take part in the finances to make sure you are :)

Once your mind is at rest about the finances the sex will be different. :)

I hope that helps a bit :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[soul_echoes]

Thank you so much for that, Saffy. It's good to hear someone validate what I've been feeling in my heart. :) :hug:

 

[Hashi]

I agree with Saffy about separating sex from different aspects of your shared life.

I've had a lot of feelings bottled up so that I wouldn't be a downer or sound like I'm always nagging him

I think it's important to have these conversations as you go along, otherwise they will build up and then bubble up, as you found. Your concerns won't go away.

I wonder if there are ways you could approach things that would feel less like nagging. Do you know about transactional analysis? Part of it is that we can operate from one of three modes - adult, parent or child - and so can the person we're interacting with. If the other person is acting from a kind of child role (like your husband acting not very responsibly with money), our tendency is to respond as a parent (nagging, or something that might be seen as nagging by a "child" who wants to avoid addressing things). The key is to stay an adult in the conversation, and not try to parent the other person or think out solutions for them, but to discuss issues in a straightforward, assertive way - simply saying how you feel, what you're concerned about and what you need.

In particular, it can be good to aim for an agreement rather than only expressing worry. I have a slightly different view from Saffy on this. My suggestion would be to put some parameters/boundaries around the financial discussion at the start of it, and focus only on your absolute priorities, then leave the rest of the money decisions to him. Otherwise, I think the discussion is at risk of him feeling criticised, not trusted or that you're unsympathetic to his feelings (that he's expressing by wanting to spend money on the children). I think you only need to focus on the essentials, like rent and bills - whatever the essentials are to you, and can leave the rest to him. That way you're focussing on positives (being secure in your home) and not on negatives (he shouldn't spend so much on this or that).

I think it's good to talk about your feelings and your fears, but not leave it there. The next step is to ask for something positive that will alleviate your fears . For example, "I need to know that the rent and bills will always be paid on time. What arrangements can we make that will ensure that?". That way, instead of criticising (or nagging) him like a child you would be appealing to the adult in him to take responsiblity, and to ease your very reasonable anxiety about that. He sounds like a good man, and all good men want to feel respected and capable of taking care of things, however they might behave at times. You can let him work out how and when he spends the rest as long as the essentials are taken care of.

If you can present him with the problem and ask him to come up with a solution, he might take more responsiblity himself and be more committed to the idea. If you think what he says is too vague and won't result in anything (such as, "don't worry, I'll take care of it") you can say you need a concrete plan or you can't help worrying. Then when you agree a plan, also agree to review it on a set date, such as after the next rent payment is due.

I think you need to have a bottom line for what you're asking for, something that you stick to and don't waver from. It sounds like he doesn't think the internet connection is more important than keeping your home, but that he thinks he can juggle things and get away with it. So if your discussion is focussed on concern about not being made homeless then you'll probably be talking from two different points of view - I imagine that, for whatever reason, he isn't thinking that his current actions put you at risk of being made homeless. He can think differently from you on what's likely to lose you your home, but he can't think differently about something very specific such as "rent paid on the 28th of every month".

If you focus on your priorities and leave the rest, that should make it more manageable to have a discussion and reach agreement. Aiming for a positive solution going forward, rather than pointing backwards to things he's done until now, should hopefully avoid the feeling of nagging or criticising him for his choices.

Good luck!