My Fear Realized, Spouse Is Not Supportive

[Whirlwind]

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I thought I would share - and I guess selfishly acknowledge - that I have not been a good supporter up until this point in time.

Your input is welcome and the brutal honestly appreciated.

I somehow thought that if I/we ignored it, it would go away, or that somehow the fact that we were in a happy relationship together, that that alone, would mean that problems wouldn't arise.

I think my husband would like it to go away, to ignore it as well. I'm not sure what it means but I get the feeling he sees my need for a T as a reflection on him, a sign our marriage is a problem, or isn't enough....?

If we change that pushes other people out of their comfort zone and so they have to (consciously and mostly unconsciously) need to put us back in to our place.

Interesting. I will consider this - I am changing, for better I think.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Shellbell]

I had a conversation with a good friend today about all this. I agree with her that my husband would benefit positively from seeing my T seperately from me, to validate his feelings, fears, concerns and to talk about what he doesn't understand in all of this and how it impacts our marriage.

I had been assuming that we would need marriage counselling towards the end of my therapy, but actually he needs some therapy now too. And not when it's too late and we are in a divorce.

 

[ms spock]

Shellbell, I worry about spouses using the same therapist. There are confidentuality issues, boundary issues and it is a concern from my perspective.

 

[Shellbell]

I do see your concerns about confidentiality and boundary issues. It's something I've though about. It's something I am going to talk with her about though. I trust her enough to believe she wouldn't divulge details and cross over the line of confidentiality with either of us, if she indeed felt it appropriate to talk with my husband.

 

[ms spock]

Okay well you are going in with your eyes wide open.

 

[Shellbell]

You've got me doubting that idea now Ms Spock!

And I'm adding, that's a good thing. No need to rush into anything and give it lots of thought.

 

[Bilby]

I think my husband would like it to go away, to ignore it as well. I'm not sure what it means but I get the feeling he sees my need for a T as a reflection on him, a sign our marriage is a problem, or isn't enough....?

I know that I wanted to be 'enough' for my husband. I was also being very selfish with respect to the issues that I have myself - I thought we had enough to deal with, with my depression and anxiety, let alone needing to deal with something else. Perhaps I wasn't sure if I could handle it? I just know that I wanted to be all that he needed and that it would go away. As I said - very selfish on my part. I really didn't think of him the way I should have done and I regret that.

Perhaps we all want the 'fairytale' - men and women alike? When we realise things aren't a fairytale, or the version of 'normal' we have mapped out in our own minds isn't our reality, then we start to get our cranky pants on...?

 

[ms spock]

You've got me doubting that idea now Ms Spock!

And I'm adding, that's a good thing. No need to rush into anything and give it lots of thought.

:D

 

[ms spock]

I think my husband would like it to go away, to ignore it as well. I'm not sure what it means but I get the feeling he sees my need for a T as a reflection on him, a sign our marriage is a problem, or isn't enough....?

Interesting. I will consider this - I am changing, for better I think.

It is hard to be changing and trying to find your place as well. And be pushed back by some of the people around you.

Your husband might be scared of you changing, he might be scared of what you are dealing with your childhood, he might be a difficult person who is unable to look beyond himself and give support to you or he could have another agenda entirely. It is hard when he is not talking clearly with you.

You need to take care of your heart and notice what he does and what he says. Then you make your decisions.

 

[Martin Taylor]

My T told me today that no one that has not been here can understand. They can love, support, care, and everything else, but they cannot experience a flashback, being triggered, anxiety over past stuff, and all the emotional baggage unless thy have seen it themselves. So I guess that at times we are on our own to heal and get a grip on our lives. It sucks. My T told me to go home and have my wife (who loves me and wants to help) simply hug me with no strings attached. She responded by saying we should hug each other and not be needy. She is right, but also wrong. But what else can I expect? Her perspective is simply different than mine and her experiences also. Self-education can be done, and should be, but it is like a guy supporting a woman in labor, we think we get it, but really have never been there. Good luck, this is why we are here.

 

[Whirlwind]

They can love, support, care, and everything else, but they cannot experience a flashback, being triggered, anxiety over past stuff, and all the emotional baggage unless thy have seen it themselves.

You are right. I am not excusing lack of empathy but you are right. But I recall about a year ago I remember running across PTSD in adult survivors, I blew right over it without a thought. Flashbacks? The only part I like about them is there is a level of fascination - until it happened to me, I don't think I could have believed it.

I should share an update, my husband approached me out of the blue yesterday and said he had read about PTSD on wikipedia. He told me "all about it", how they think elephants experience it, the history...an notably.."it seems there is a lot of science supporting it".

Its a start.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[ms spock]

I am pleased that you have a start Whirlwind.