My Fear Realized, Spouse Is Not Supportive

[Shellbell]

Whirlwind, I am really glad as well that you have a start and in a positive direction.

 

[Whirlwind]

Thank you, I am working hard on "hopeful" about all of this. My husband, myself.....

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Martin Taylor]

It may also be a very indirect, without actually admitting it, kind of almost apology, very guy like, apology. Without ever admitting you were right, of course. Great start.

 

[katz]

You all have no idea how good it is to hear that others have this same problem!!! When my husband and I married back in 2007, we were a happy couple. Always laughing and enjoying each other. Although I have never had much of the"drive" in the bedroom. He thought it all would change after the wedding-it did not. In fact, more memories started coming back and new ones too. He does not understand that I can't stop this from happening. It is not just a on/off switch.

I found a counselor for myself, but I really need him to be there for me. He doesn't want to learn more about PTSD. He won't read anything I print for him-even short articles. I bought a book for the two of us to go through together, but he won't even let me read to him.

He just figures that "this is not what I signed on for" and gets angry at me when I get upset, which just makes me more hurt and upset. I have been dealing with this for all my life and I thought I had finally found someone to help me through it....

I may have to just "forget it ever happened" and pretend to be "my old self". I don't want to end this marriage, but, I need support. I have no ne in the family and only one close friend to speak to , when she is able. I am also feeling very alone and left out..of everything.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you for this thread Whirlwind and to the others who posted here. There is much I relate to.

My husband in also not able support or hear me I am afraid. I have long term patterns of feeling shame for not coping in any way and have not found it easy to share and gone to much trouble to hide everything. I still do. So I sometimes wonder how much I have contributed over the years. Or maybe that I have chosen someone unavailable subconsciously.

After over 15 years of marriage I have never told him about past stuff that has happened to me and have not told him about any of this. I have had specific trauma T in recent years and he knows nothing about it. I don't feel safe even attempting it as not speaking and not getting support feels much better than speaking and not being heard.

There is a track record of not being heard so that doesn't help. At my most depressed I have almost been catatonic and yet he would leave for work and return and so on without comment or any show of concern. I also eventually told him about other mental health issues I have struggled with long term a few years ago and he hesitated for a few minutes muttered something and then changed the subject to something banal; I think it was about something on tele. It was never mentioned again.

So how much is about me and the way I have trained him to relate to me and how much is him I really do not know; but the result is that I don't trust him with the info.

So Whirlwind, I wasn't sure but I sort of thought that maybe some of your shame and self judgement sounded a little like some of mine. Maybe.

To round it all off I actually find emotional intimacy with him triggering sometimes and I dont know why. It hasnt anything to do with him and I do mean triggering and not a stressor.

Sorry to blabber on and on! Don't feel I said anything I wanted to but have scrambled brain syndrome today.

Maybe what I wanted to add was that I think it is understandable to a point that people won't get it at first and will be in denial. I certainly have been in denial for the longest time and I guess he gets to be no different. But that I also think some people don't really find supporting others or understanding very easy. Hope some of that makes sense. :wacky:

 

[saffy]

Deep down I feel like I am "marked" somehow....and other people can sense it on a subconscious level. I am not worth asking about.

Hi Whirlwind,
Hope you do not mind me saying but those comments are your own assumptions. Have you heard of self fulfilling prophecy?

I think that when You find yourself in a onesides crowd that all know each other very well, the habit of asking certain questions to each other gets forgotten. They probably automatically tell each other and not wait to be asked about things like this or share each others news.

Coming from a very small family who did not ask or share anything with each other it is very hard for me to feel excepted in a crowd that all know each other. Maybe it is the same for you. I realised I had to approach it in a different way and banish any conditioned negative self talk. i.e you have to wait to be asked, Don't speak unless your spoken to, they are not interested in you that's for sure, shut up what do you know ect ect ect.

I also made sure I asked them lots of questions about themselves to really get to know them, sometimes I find that there is only a few in that crowd I would want to know about me any way.

Best wishes
saffy :)

 

[saffy]

My husband in also not able support or hear me I am afraid

Hi Abstract
You mention that in all the years together you have never told him anything about your past or your triggers or your about your therapy. When you are triggered is this the only real part he gets to see?

Could your husband think he has to carry on as normal when you are triggered because that is what you try do the rest of the time? Or has no idea what your needs at that particular time?

Sometimes it can be really hard to communicate properly and get understanding :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

. When you are triggered is this the only real part he gets to see?

Saffy,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate them a lot. Shall see if I can come back and answer. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

That is a very good and relevant question. There is truth in it. But what I will say is that I have good reason to think there may not be understanding. My H's response to my severe nightmares was to punch me on the shoulders in anger and rage afterwards. I eventually managed to get it together enough to make this something I would not accept. But my H just looks past my more obvious symptoms. I will accept though that I do not know what he is capable of as I have never truly given him the chance.

 

[saffy]

My H's response to my severe nightmares was to punch me on the shoulders in anger and rage afterwards.

Hi Abstract

I see that that could make you feel very unsupported and misunderstood. He flew of the handle which is testament to him not controlling his behaviour and lashing out. I hope he regrets it now.

I know it is really hard to know what to say or how to say it sometimes. But on another note, to be left in the dark until a bad episode raises its ugly head might make someone think, where did that come from or what was that about etc etc. When you are in one of these episodes the last thing you are thinking of is sitting calmly and explaining the problem. Although His was definitely an over reaction and shows irritability. His behaviour has to change also, I think.

:hug:

Saffy :)

 

[MissMacD]

My boyfriend has a hard time understanding my PTSD and at first it was really straining on our relationship. He is the closest person in my life but is not equipped to deal with my trauma - lots of people aren't so it can make it worse try and explain things to them.

The success to our relationship has been keeping explanations of things simple. I get sensory overload frequently so if I do I tell him that I am feeling overwhelmed and will go to another room to calm down. I blew up with him several times before I learned to communicate with him effectively.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Saffy. I am not sure what the right approach is. Yes, being awoken from those types of nightmares by being punched and yelled at was not really ideal. And was something that would happen every night at one point even though he knew I was having nightmares.

I don't really think he would think "where did that come from". He seems to just look past whatever occurs and that includes when I speak about something to him directly.

I really should tell him though as it is the right thing to do but I just can't face it.