My Fear Realized, Spouse Is Not Supportive

[Deleted member 17790]

I have felt his love, truely, so much more than not. That is why his lack of empathy towards me and unwillingness to put one stupid party aside to make sure I was alright, felt like such a huge betrayal I don't think I can overcome. He could not have made me feel more worthless. How can he go from making me feel so loved, so supported so wanted, to making me feel like nothing? I don't understand it. I am confused, but I do know nobody should make me feel that way. Especially not him. How could I ever just slightly trust him again? He did not walk the talk, and I need action much more than words. And I hate when words and action contradict eachother. I can not work with that!

I know you said you didn't expect any answers however couldn't resist - what is described here is about power and control not about healthy relating. The confusion is the key -"If I am confused then I am being abused" is another of my mantras.

Really think you did the right thing. Well done - it's not easy.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

The pendulum swings yet again: Was I asking too much? Was I communicating me needs clearly in my confused state overhwelmed with emotion? Do I even know what is up and down anymore. Is PTSD covering my emotions in smoke? Was it fair of me to ask him to give up something he was really looking forward to just because I am a mess? Should he change anything in his life because of the assholes that traumatized me? Is he not allowed to make mistakes? Is it just the PTSD that tells me that my whole being was weighed against a party and found to light? Is it a self fulfilling prophecy: Do I create these situations to satisfy the 'voice' in my head that says I am worthless, I'm nothing, I am alone. I can't trust any one, not even my self?

I must admit that a part of me hope that he will chase me. Apologise, and beg me to come back, that he cannot live without me. That he would rather die, than be without me. Make me feel like I am important in this world. I've never had that feeling, and I crave it so badly. But on the other hand, I hope he dosen't. It will make me sticking to my decision so much easier. I hope the takes his egotistic tail and stick it between his legs!

I so relate -sounds like trauma bonding/love addiction that Parick Carnes describes so well in "The Betrayal Bond" - or what Pia Mellody calls afterburn I think. yes I have read a lot ......

I have a right to have people emotionally available for me. To be concerned and supportive and to move towards me not away from me when I am vulnerable. And I also realise I can't take everything to one person unless they are my therapist. And they are entitled to a life as well so it's ok we do things separately. I use some of the 12 step groups as they are accessible by phone, skype as well as in person.

 

[ms spock]

I surprisingly had a good nights sleep. Maybe my deamons that hunt me in my sleep decided to back off and give me a break :cautious:.

Your body is talking to you! This could be important information.

 

[ms spock]

Jon Allen in "Coping with Trauma" says "I cannot state this point too emphatically: coping with current life stress and actively resolving relationship conflicts plays a major role in coping with past trauma, flashbacks included".

And one thing you can see, is that if someone changes that the family/community group will do quite a bit to pull them back in to their role in the family/community. It is something to be aware of when you are growing and changing.

In other words if I am still in relationships that are emotionally abusive that will keep activating the trauma. One of the 12 Step programs says "get the difficult people out of your life". That's because they abuse and I get re-traumatised and then lose my sense of self and end up where I can't function properly and can't look after my needs.

No one needs to be retraumatised. It is hard enough to deal with the original stuff.

Or Beverly Engels' or Patricia Evans' books are great on verbal and emotional abuse. And of course Lundy Bancrofts' book "Why does he do that".

I haven't read the other two authors, but I found Patricia Evans' book readable and good!

 

[MissMacD]

My boyfriend said that he cannot financially support me even though he said he could. He keeps grinding ME to get a job when I have been off on medical leave since August. He does not accept my illness as valid and thinks that I sit around feeling sorry for myself freeloading on other people. I have paid my load of the bills even up to this month despite having no income and am the only person that lives here that actually puts in any effort. I refuse to cook for him or wash his clothes because his lack of effort has made me so bitter.

He says he loves me and I felt like he had my back. We just celebrated 3 years together and I think it might be the beginning of the end for us. I can't stick out things with a partner who doesn't want to help me and be there for me when I need him.

I have tried everything in my power to see the positive things about him especially since I have been off work. I have threatened to leave before because he was so cold and disconnected from me. I think I need to actually do it because I cannot live with someone who gives me so much instability. You've gotta be there all or not at all. I can't stand people who constantly change their minds.

 

[Hiding the Pain]

I am in the same situation with my husband. I have had PTSD for years, but I recently lost my Grandmother. The one who saved me from my abusers. When she passed I spiraled out of control and could not even get out of bed for a few days.

At one point he turned to me during one of my daily crying spells and said that I act like I loved her more than I loved him and the kids. That its was unfair of me to not "Suck it up" and move on. Things between us grew more difficult and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I needed help because I was seriously thinking about suicide. Not just thinking about it. I was planning out how. He agreed to let me start seeing a T and things are slowly progressing for me.

But with us things are not going well. I begged him to start seeing a T with me as a couple. He went but really didn't want to participate. The T could really tell so she asked him to come alone later that week. He came home like it was nothing important.

I had a major panic attack yesterday at work and I tried to talk to him, but he makes me feel like he doesn't care. Or that I am just over reacting. So tonight I started to get panicky and decided to print out Anthony's Basic PTSD supporters responsibility....I handed it to him and asked him to read it word for word. He looked at me and said OK. I said no I REALLY need you to read it. And I went and took a shower. I collapsed in the floor of the showers and laid there crying for about 45 minutes.

When I got out and came back to talk to him about what he read he had fallen a sleep watching TV. He hadn't even opened it to start reading. I was angry I went to the kitchen to clean up dinner dishes. I think I broke a few thing in the sink throwing the pots in....How can I get him serious about being there for me.

Right now all I want to do is hide in my closet and cry.

 

[droppingrain]

My x-boyfriend of 2 years was supportive at first too. Then he claimed I blamed everything on it or used the diagnoses as an excuse for things. Which I never would do. *sigh* It was really depressing when he said that, I realized he didn't believe in me and my actions. I guess it's good he's an x.

I'm sorry your spouse doesn't support you. He needs an attitude adjustment or you're going to suffer like I did. You need someone supportive. I hope it works out.

*hugs*

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hello again :)

I have never been a part of a forum before, and I guess I did not really take into concideration, that when you post something, it is 'out there' - for good!

When I posted about the situation with my bf and the christmas party, it was, at the time, my true (PTSD) feelings and perception of the conflict. But after I have calmed down, I can see how PTSD colored that perception. It did not all quite go down as I discribed, but it was how I felt at the time.

He did actually offer to stay when he found out what was really going on with me, but I would'nt hear of it. It was 'too late' in my mind. I woke up so angry and anxious that morning from really bad nightmares, and the thoughts I get at my worst: I can't trust anybody, he is proberly going to leave me soon anyway, I am no good etc., had already taken me over, and had nothing to do with him, in reality. And I, as I have begun to do a lot since my symptoms has worsened, pushed him away.

The way PTSD affects me now, is a new situation to both of us, and I guess I can't expect either of us to navigate in the midst of it, without mistakes being made on both sides.

I do feel guilty about posting without thinking twice, and made him look 'bad' and even percieved as abusive, in a forum, leaving out all aspects of the situation. So hard to do when your emotions are running wild, but it has really taught me a lesson. When I used to drink, before my trauma, I had a rule: never make any important decisions when hungover. Your emotions can really trick you at that state. I now have a new rule: Only post under moderate influence of PTSD, or at least not involve other people than yourself! :)

 

[katz]

My husband is the same way. It is so good to know that I'm not the only one trying to deal with this. I have left books out, that he hardly notices. I have also tried to get him to come to a therapy session. He just does not want to deal with this. Even the things he says to me are things that I don't want to hear and when I tell him not to, he can't understand why they bother me. He doesn't even want to try and understand. So, he just stays the same way he is, and I go on hurting and feeling so alone.

 

[LizBeth1]

In my experience, it's fine to have your partner go see your therapist by himself so that the therapist can provide support to him -- it's not that the therapist is being 'his therapist' - it's simply to provide insight on what's going on with you and to answer any questions. As long as it's all about you, it's okay from a 'standards' point of view. And it may help a lot. It's helped me with that same struggle and he felt heard and validated.

 

[saffy]

had a rule: never make any important decisions when hungover. Your emotions can really trick you at that state. I now have a new rule: Only post under moderate influence of PTSD, or at least not involve other people than yourself!

How is that working out Crazyhorse?

Sometimes letting rip about feelings can help but I understand what you mean. :)

I hope things are more open and supportive at home for you :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[ms spock]

So how do you get your partners to understand the basics of your PTSD?