I've given up on self-diagnosis, but maybe it's only out of frustration at being in and out of therapy and programs for the past 7 years and being hospitalized twice, the most recent time being a couple weeks ago, and not being able to get a diagnosis.
My psychologist has called me a "diagnostic mystery." I'm missing some key positive symptoms of various diagnoses we've considered, to the point where no one knows what's wrong with me. I did psychological tests when I was committed to the hospital recently but apparently my answers were complex and it seems like all they can do is guess at what might be wrong.
I'm going to an outpatient program at the hospital now. I try to explain what's wrong, and I can't. I'm so confused and disoriented and I feel so much identity loss at this point in my life, it's like 99% of the time, as far as my personal life goes, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. I try to talk out my problems and I just end up rambling because I can't pinpoint anything; I'm so tired of thinking about it all and it just feels like my brain is breaking down from fatigue.
I can see why people would want to self-diagnose. I recently changed my status on here to "PTSD sufferer," and then I changed it back to "other," because I don't have an official diagnosis. I was on antipsychotics and anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications at one point, for years, from when I was 13 from maybe to about 18 -- maybe 17? -- I can't remember -- but they were low doses. I think I was on antipsychotics or mood stabilizers not for the purpose of psychosis, but to sedate me a little bit so I could sleep at night.
I'd like saying "I was on antipsychotics," though, because it made it sound more serious. I'm not making up the fact that I'm in pain and have been in a lot of pain most of my life that I can remember. I just feel like, having no diagnosis, and not being on medication anymore because I got frustrated with it and just stopped taking everything and seeing a psychiatrist....
...people've said things about me, like, "Well, what's wrong with him, then?" "How hard can his life be?"
I feel like I'm not "good enough" to have PTSD, like, when I was in the hospital I heard some real horror stories. The people weren't exaggerating. They were just being honest. Instantly it's like I'll compare my suffering, and then feel like it's insulting to people who've been brutally raped or tortured or things like that, to say I have a condition that they have.
As time goes on, I'm admitting more of my own suffering and I'm admitting that I am in a lot of pain, and have been for a very long time, and that what other people go through shouldn't be a point of reference for my own problems. I invalidate my suffering because I compare it with other people's, probably out of habit, because growing up I heard "stop being such a crybaby," "you make life a living hell for us," "you're so annoying," "you're such a pest" -- even some early psychologists I went to would invalidate my problems, and that happened a lot, actually (unfortunately it seems like that's a lot more common than finding a professional who actually listens to you and validates what you're saying -- I think it's more common that they ignore you and try to tell you what you're feeling instead of letting you tell them how you feel)
-- it eventually got to the point where I was so hurt from people saying "there's nothing wrong with you," and also yelling at me, things like that, that even tiny spurts of personal criticism can send me into a panic attack and it's like all my rational thought goes out the window. A lot of times things people have said will come back and run through my mind over and over, and it makes me so upset I can't even think straight; and I try forgiving the person and rationalizing what's going on, but it's so upsetting I can't get the thoughts to go away and it's like it doesn't even matter what I think about the situation, because I can't stop the panic attack or whatever flushed and despair/distress feeling it is going through me.
I just have a really difficult time explaining anything because my thoughts go a light year a minute, and it's like, the second I say one thing, I'm thinking of something else -- it just gets so confusing. I'm also very paranoid about being hospitalized again -- that's an experience I never, ever wanted to have again, after it happened the first time 5 years ago -- when it happened again only a couple weeks ago I just felt completely messed up, and that's when I started having a lot more problems again, that I think I was able to repress because I've never had a job in my life, and I dropped out of college when I was 18 -- two years ago -- it's just been easier because I had the ability to lie on the floor all day or isolate myself and not do anything at all whenever I felt like it.
Blah blah blah :p Honestly, I'm afraid of sharing personal thoughts because I can't cope with personal attacks. I recently got some nasty comments online and that sent me into a tailspin -- I just can't do it. I've only been in a 'half' relationship -- it was long distance the whole time -- I've never been in an in-person relationship. And I feel like I never will be. I feel like I will never touch anyone or understand what it feels like to be cared about or loved. All I can imagine about a relationship is abandonment, or the woman making fun of me, criticizing my problems or yelling at me, or judging me or things like that -- just everything going to hell. I wanted to be able to hug someone or share affection, I was obsessed with that dream for years, but it fell apart and it's a lot easier to just go off into a fantasy world -- sometimes I hope that angels are here, and that an angel cares about me, like a guardian angel, and I try to believe that that's enough. When I lose my ability to cope I just lie there and take it and let myself freak out, because it's like, what is anyone going to do? No one can do anything. Angels can help people; something in me doesn't believe that people can help people. People hurt people.
I go on and on like this. See what I mean? I don't mean to insult anyone on here with PTSD. I don't think I have PTSD. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I just know that I'm in pain and that people who've been through a lot of suffering are a lot more apt to be considerate, and to be understanding, like they can understand better than other people not to yell at sensitive people, not to abuse them, to understand that they're suffering and not provoke it or make fun of them -- it's a very understanding environment, or at least, that's what I hope for when I look at places like these, with people who've suffered so much. I don't trust people very much but it's not like I have a complete lack of it -- I'm just wary that someone might say something mean and it scares me, you know. It feels like it hurts a LOT more when I forget that any person at all can say something mean, at any moment, and if I don't remind myself that it's going to happen, and to prepare myself for it, I won't be able to cope with it at all.
I have a lot of thoughts, and people will say mean things like "it's not like you have to write a book every time you want to say something" or calling my words "novellas" or "verbose" or this or that -- comments like that are hair triggers for me. I really don't mean to say too much or to go off topic so much but it's just how I am, and it's really horrible to me when people invalidate those feelings and tell me I'm in control of what I do, I'm in control of what I feel, it's my fault, I have to discipline myself, I have to think about what I'm saying before I say it, stop feeling that way, I think too much, I talk too much -- sometimes it's like these comments run through my mind nonstop and it's just completely overwhelming, I try explaining this to people, and then I meet the same comments, and it goes back to like it's living in hell on earth or the Twilight Zone or something.
So I wrote all this because the self-diagnosis thing...I can understand both sides. I can understand why it would really annoy people to see someone saying they have a serious condition, when they really don't have it, and it takes away from the sympathy and support and understanding of the people who really HAVE lived through horrific things, and have debilitating symptoms, and all these things.
But it also reminds me of something I read in the Bible, that parable of the vineyard workers -- how they were promised a certain wage if they worked so many hours, and when they saw other people getting paid the same exact wage who had to work fewer hours, and a lot less strenuously...they got really mad, like, why the hell do these people get paid the same amount we do, when we're working so much harder? They're practically doing nothing! And then the employer says to them, "Did you not earn what you were promised to earn when you signed up to work here?" They said yes, that was true, and I think the employer doesn't let them finish -- he just says that, basically, you get what you're promised, for yourself, and not to worry about what other people get, or to be jealous, because you got what you were after, or what other people do or get or what their lives are like really don't matter in terms of your satisfaction with your own life, because your life is your own life, not other people's lives. Parable of the Vineyard, or the Vineyard workers, or something like that...it's been a while :p But I think that really hit home with me.
And that's why I'm not bothered much by people who self-diagnose. I can understand the frustration. But kind of being on both sides of the fence, not having a diagnosis myself, but knowing I have problems -- I can get frustrated with people who say they have problems like I've had, but it's really nothing at all like what I've been through, but I can also understand that they want to be validated, and understood, just like I want to be validated and understood, because it's frustrating as hell to be going through so much pain, and to listen every day to people saying "you're fine" or "there's nothing wrong with you" or belittling your problems as if you were 100% fine.
I think it's a lot less that people think having PTSD is 'cool,' than it is a manifestation of another problem. They say that people who feign mental illness are naturally more prone to actually having it, or at least I heard that somewhere -- and it's probably definitely true. Why would someone want to have PTSD in the first place? Isn't that kind of messed up, if you feel like being traumatized and having a horrifically painful and largely incapacitated life, is the only way that you can feel loved or accepted by other people?
I feel sorry for people on both sides of the issue. Everyone's got their cross to bear. I will say that not having any diagnosis can really suck, though, because then to the entire world, you have no issues, and no matter what you say, people who are suffering similar things you are can be blind to that, and then make fun of you or tell you how much they hate you, and people who aren't suffering things similar to you will think they completely understand you when they don't understand you at all.
In that way, a diagnosis may be both a curse and a blessing: you might feel like you're completely screwed, but at the same time, you might have a better idea of what's wrong, and find acceptance among a community of people who accept you as one of their own, instead of being rejected and left to live in a world without any real human connection. It's like being a stranger no matter who you talk to or where you go, no matter what you do -- having no understanding at all is one of the worst experiences I can imagine.
So yes, I have sympathy for both sides. Even if someone doesn't think another person's complaint is valid, to THEM it's valid. I guess I'm not really taking a stand here, then, just speaking my mind and sharing my feelings. My life has shown me that telling people it's wrong to share their feelings, and making them believe that they're selfish and evil for sharing their feelings, is abusive and destructive -- so I encourage people to share their feelings. And it looks like this is a great forum to do it, so I'm happy whoever made this site made this site. Thanks :)
