My First Actual, Recognizable Flashback

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Ugh... I wrote this whole thing out and then it deleted it all...guess I'll try again...

Happy Thanksgiving from the US! Hope everyone had a great one!

So, yesterday my mom and I went to the store to get our ingredients for today. On our way home a we got pulled over for a tag problem since we just moved. Well, as soon as I saw the flashing lights behind us my anxiety shot through the roof and I could already feel tears forming. I held the tears back, and kept my anxiety buried. I voiced my problems to my mom and could tell she was upset for me and told me it was okay.

The officer was very nice, he came to my window to stay out of traffic and was chatty. He was military and had been stationed where I grew up. He showed my mom how to fix our tag problem and then when he passed my window said goodbye to me (again, nice officer, especially compared to the Georgia ones).

While he had been talking to my mom I noticed every time I blinked I would see my yard in Georgia, it was night time, with police lights everywhere. About five cop cars in our yard. Every time I blinked. I realized that my problem was the lights, and not the cop. I failed to realize that it was a flashback I was having, but realized it after he was gone.

Once he pulled out and we hit the road again I burst into tears. It didn't last long and I was proud of myself for keeping it together very well. If I am correct most people can't control panic attacks, I think I did well. But on the other hand, I was ashamed. My PTSD can control my life after all. It just comes in, attacking. Whenever it wants. What if when I get my license I get pulled over for something like yesterday? Sorry, officer, it's just my PTSD. The stupid lights are trigger, sorry.

Yeah, lovely. Can you get out of the car, miss? So I can search you and test you for drugs and alcohol? Lovely...

When I had my "attack" I suddenly realized that though I vowed that the only person to find out about my past and problems would be whoever I fell in love with, that I needed to tell my best friend. Mom recommended when I see her this summer. How can I call her my best friend when she doesn't know anything about me? I think she would understand why I would keep these things to myself. She and the others of our group at the time found me sensitive even though they had no idea the incident that scarred me for life along with the countless other incidents that had also.

At least with yesterday I knew what it was, unlike the confusion spell. Still, am I going to have to live with this forever? I've started liking a guy... Others would say fallen for, but I'm not willing to put it that way, but it's my first time. How could he like someone broken like me? We already have the whole my being short and him being tall issue. Yet when this happened all I wanted was him... Though he'll never like me back I feel so safe around him and wish he would. If he ever wrapped his arm around me or hugged me, I don't think I would ever feel in danger again...

Anyways, that's all. I guess I sort of wanted to voice this stuff...

 

[arfie]

Congratulations on a marvelous awareness. Tough stuff well handled. Way to do the do!

In my own case, I believe the difference between a flashback and a memory is my reaction to it. A memory is just there. I can choose what to do with it. I lose myself in my flashbacks, sometimes for months. My habit of repressing particular memories to avoid the flashbacks was destroying vast amounts of memory function.

Currently I am making progress with letting an ugly -traumatic- memory be just another memory. As I progress, my memory seems to ne improving across the board.

Being able to recognize it was an all-important first step and a tough step, at that.

 

[Bluerose]

Good for you. If you recognise what is happening and why half the battle is already won. Sometimes carrying something with you, in your pocket or fastened to your bag, something that makes you feel good, like a little doll or a teddy, can be comforting and help keep you grounded enough to work out what’s going on and what caused the flashback or the heightened emotions or stress levels to rise.

 

[DMerish]

Hi SAGirl :)

What an awesome event and series of observations, yesterday. Panic attacks can be awfully hard to control, happen when you'd least like them to happen, and sometimes surprise you with their ability to help you heal and grow. Of course, that last item doesn't always happen. But it can, when one is conscious of what's going on in themselves at the time that they happen and/or immediately afterwards; particularly, if one is non-judgmental about what happened.

What if when I get my license I get pulled over for something like yesterday? Sorry, officer, it's just my PTSD. The stupid lights are trigger, sorry.

You can say something like that ^ It's okay to inform trustworthy people "where you're at". IMO, doing so helps you acknowledge what you're feeling (thus, lessening it somewhat rather than holding it in all bottled up) and gives the other person some info so that they can respond to you (hopefully) in an appropriate/helpful manner.

Telling a potential long-term partner that you have PTSD, what it's symptoms are and how you manage them, etc., IMO, is the right thing to do. However, I don't think you necessarily have to, or need to tell, your best friend everything to have them as your best friend.

When I think back to being a child, my friends including best friends, were those folks who I got along with well, who shared mutual interests with me, and with whom I had fun. Sure, one of us would get into a bind sometimes and we'd help each other out. But disclosing what the bind was happened in a natural/organic fashion - in the present rather than pulling the friend aside and saying, "I need to tell you about my owie. Here, look at it. It hurts" I think as children, we were more apt to say, "Are you looking at my owie? Do you want to see it?" or if we noticed somebody crying in the corner, we might go over to them and say, "Hey, are you okay? We want you to play with us. What happened? Are you hurt?"

I don't know if what I wrote made any sense or if I made things too simplistic considering adult minds are different and more complex than a child's mind. I suppose what I think is this: that real friendships evolve naturally over years and years of sharing experiences together, getting to know myself and the other person, and that there's no rule, no criteria, about someone knowing everything about one in order to be considered best friend. Just my $0.02.

Drew

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

@arfie , I have memories come to surface, so I see what you mean, this one was much more vivid. Much more...there. I wasn't quite lost in the memory, but I could feel all of the emotions, unlike a memory which I only feel a small amount.

Sometimes carrying something with you, in your pocket or fastened to your bag, something that makes you feel good, like a little doll or a teddy, can be comforting and help keep you grounded enough to work out what’s going on and what caused the flashback or the heightened emotions or stress levels to rise.

I have a locket with a piece of a scented candle inside. Maybe I should keep it with me more. (To explain the candle part, in my old house where I lived for eight years my favorite room in the house where I would hide had these candles in it that scented the entire room. So when we moved and I later found the candles I wanted to keep them with me since it brought me comfort)

@DMerish , what you wrote made perfect sense, I agree that I don't have to tell my best friend, but I sort of want to. I mean... What happened to me defines a lot of who I am. She doesn't know that person and I think she should.

Thank you all for your replies and support. :-)

 

[KP the nut]

I have a locket with a piece of a scented candle inside. Maybe I should keep it with me more.

I would keep it with you. Scent really helps me. I have little bottles of essential lemon oil all over, in the car, in various handbags, by my bed ....... I also have a moss agate turtle, probably 1" in size that I hold.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

@KP that's neat about the turtle, I have some rings that I got that I had wanted to possibly use as something like that... but they don't really hold any value like that. There was a ring with the Serenity Prayer written on it, but I thought that was writing "I've got problems" on my forehead.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Now it's not helping that I"m experiencing my first heartbreak.

 

[DOCRILEYFBSAENZ]

PTSD comes in many forms and I believe prior to joining the military I may have had some slight damage to contend with, but enlisting, going to Afghanistan, serving for six years and experiencing the atrocities that I don't feel like outlining made me finally snap so to say. Thing is, I am incredibly good at staying cool under stress, but a constant 6 month crucible makes people snap in country - it's not like those feelings magically go away. They're triggered mentally and as a feeling like you feel if you robbed a place and got pulled over. I have had a bad experience with my brother who is a consistent drug user and degenerate. He pissed me off because I said that I am trying to study for my finals... After like the 3rd time I asked him to be ready (he has a newborn baby and has nothing, was entirely reliant on us and called me a pothead, and didn't say "thank you"... and when he pulled that shit I said "hit the door".... then he bucked up and I felt hyper-arousal. ) When he invalidated everything I went through I snapped - I had that anger and desire to kill him. Part of being a trained killer is restraint... My mom called the cops because she said it was horrifying when I took a step back... then the words reminded me of the way I felt at the funeral of a young LCPL whose death happened miles away from me, but I still feel responsible for..." It was a bilingual service and the background was his mother bellowing and it intensifying as she was handed his rifle, gun, and boots... his.... From the first day of boot camp we were taught to ignore out natural instincts of fear and that thought process lingers beyond the enlistment until you realize you're ill-equipped to handle it yourself. Hear my testimony:

A trained killer. I just realized that a couple of days ago. Self-deprecating sabotage and inability to ATTEMPT a relationship because you've determined the world is scary... and people who are nice have an angle. Then you forget what you went through and feel INFERIOR to the 99% of people you've distinguished yourself from. NO matter the reason, every single person in country weighed the option of not going, but they chose to fulfill their commitment. The damage comes from loneliness, social awkwardness, the inability to feel normal because a 2 week course is BS... and I don't remember shit except denying my symptoms to the VA and finally realizing it a few days ago.

2 examples that come to mind, but this is excluding the outbursts, feeling attacked constantly by everyone... to the point they notice..
1) I was checking out at Walmart about 6 months after separation (Feb 2012 separation date) and the fan fell off the conveyor and I jumped, got scared and ended up needing a valium to relax. Apparently I saw a person get killed when I was a child in a robbery... and I watched helpless as our mounted convoy got blown up... they were okay.... but the fear of knowing they were okay took some time... damaged radios... we had to wait for a green flare... and I heard silence and abject fixation on their situation... I was in the Navy as a doc and always worried about how I would react if someone got blown up in front of me. It's a horrifying to know your actions will affect the outcome of someone's life.

2) I was running and a I saw an oddly placed cooler... it was in a grassy area on the left of the sidewalk.... with boston, IEDs, extreme regret and remorse that coursed through me on a daily without realizing.... I told myself "no... it's dumb" and in that period of time I had a panic situation where I actively and forcefully ran... happened during New Years... and when my neighbors lit aerial fireworks. same feeling... and last I was hesitant to mention... If you've ever legit hit the deck in your neighborhood you might have PTSD. I heard a motorcycle crash.... went outside hyper aware and approaching it as a scene of danger. heard a few things that sent me spiraling into worst-case scenario.... I heard something about "them waiting up there"... and a gun... No shit, instinctively as a Japanese sportsbike zoomed by I hit the deck with no hesitation and tore my shit up...... It's funny now but not then.

We must make a legacy for our currently serving service members of anecdotal and empurical, easily accessible information so they don't have to spend ANY time.... I'm sorry, PTSD is not explained enough.... VA tries to chalk it up to only being combat related without realizing that if PTSD is pre-existing.... war seriously exacerbated it.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Wow, I am so sorry for your experiences. Things are much better here and now, which almost makes my PTSD worse. It's like new way of recovering. Now that Im safe more things trigger me. I do agree and wish PTSD was more explainable. I guess that's the bummer about mental issues. Thank you for sharing your testimony.

 

[DOCRILEYFBSAENZ]

I recently found God again. It has helped immensely. It felt like I had a secret. A bad secret. Even though I was honorably discharged - I felt as though I was a bad person. What is so funny too, is the fear of what COULD have happened works me up too. I found that a trigger is also criticism. When you are guilty you feel attacked.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Yes, I am in the works...sort of... on building my relationship back up. It's almost like I'm ashamed to talk to him.... Like I almost feel like I should be feeling the way I do instead of asking Him for help...