General My Guy Has PTSD

[annabelle lee]

Sorry...long story...

I have been friends with a PTSD survivor for almost two years now, and he has asked me if I was interested in something more. We have spoken a great deal and he has always been honest with me about his PTSD. I suffer from panic attacks and depression, we met in a group session.

We have always been attracted to each other, but there have been times when he just disappears and separates himslf for days and after therapy sessions. Having depression myself, I sometimes close myself off from everyone as well. So this part I understand, and I respect his space.

He reunited with an ex girlfriend and later broke up with her, all the while still just speaking to me, although with the intention of letting me know that I was the one he truly loved. I am assuming, through my research on PTSD, that making decisions is difficult because of the need to consider other peoples' feelings. However, I told him that I didn't think it was fair to his gf that he continue talking to me on the side, and he then said he was going to break up with her. He did.

We had a fight yesterday because I have various fears, not associated with my PA, blah blah, but he told me that after "I had made him break of with so and so..." That is what struck me. I didn't make him do anything. I only wanted to do the right thing by the gf.

Long story, but here are my questions. Should I pursue a relationship with him considering his remark...is it part of the PTSD or a random angry remark? Also, his inability to make and stay with decisions or remember things he has said to me...should I take what he says romantically and plan-wise with a grain of salt or does the PTSD cause this?

 

[Shoka]

Hi Annabelle,

Sounds like emotions are running high at the moment with your situation. I don't have any advice for you, but I do have some questions running through my mind, so here they are:

1.Are you having some trust issues?
2. Are you sure you want to be in the relationship?
3. While I think it's noble that you wanted to do the right thing by the ex-gf do you think your fears are related to how he might treat you if you go into the role of gf?
4. Are you taking care of yourself and putting your mental health first in your life?

I can't think of a relationship in the world where sometimes angry things aren't said during the heat of an argument. One remark doesn't necessarily say whether it was his PTSD or whether emotions were just running high. I wouldn't know or be able to tell you that.

As someone who suffers from depression, (mostly depression due to extreme Seasonal Affective Disorder) and is involved with someone with PTSD, I've learned that I really must take care of myself first and foremost. It can be a messy combination when you put someone who struggles with depression with someone who struggles with PTSD together. I've had to use all of my own personal recovery tools all the time every day. I've had to learn to take things alot less personally and to be a little less sensitive to negativity. It's been hard. It's been a long journey, and at best after a year with him, I still only take the relationship one day at a time because I've had to draw up strong boundaries for myself due to some of his behaviors when he's having a hard time dealing with his "stuff". I've had to build my support system outside of him- the forum is one great source of support, my therapist is another and so are a select group of friends. I have to constantly monitor my own ups and downs and learn how to communicate where I am to him. Some days I've had to limit contact with him. These are some of my experiences, it hasn't always been easy, but it hasn't always been terrible either.

Best of luck to you, keep coming back to the forum, and please take good care of yourself.

Shoka