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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
D
Deleted member 12723
@Medic72 I am sorry that you have to deal with your sister without your soulmate to protect and buffer you. I am so glad you have your dog and maybe he may pick up on your sisters vibes and make her afraid of him. Thus he will be a buffer for you I think.
I had a nightmare last night and my husband was in it and when I woke up I was missing him. Hang in there. You are making good choices in my opinion so pat yourself on the back. Family dynamics changed for me when my husband died too.
It is really hard to be in so much grief and having to start all over and begin to create a life for yourself. Understatement of the year.:hug:
I had a nightmare last night and my husband was in it and when I woke up I was missing him. Hang in there. You are making good choices in my opinion so pat yourself on the back. Family dynamics changed for me when my husband died too.
It is really hard to be in so much grief and having to start all over and begin to create a life for yourself. Understatement of the year.:hug:
- Post starter
- #724
I need him home!!! God or whoever you are, just send him back!!!
This morning my sister woke up and because I've been unusually emotional the past few days missing my husband so intensely, I've been a little moody and easily exhausted. I guess I was ruining her life high, so after grumping about how at my wits end I was about the dogs morning walk (I was literally in tears at the park), my sister gets passive aggressive quiet like how my husband used to get, starts stomping around, plunks herself at the kitchen table and announces, "I might just go home today, I can't sleep well here, too hot, it'll be better at my place."
Did I not start crying again!?
Like what the hell was I supposed to do, just snap out of it so she could have the f'ing happy week off she's imagined? So sorry to ruin your week because I'm still GRIEVING!!!!
First the dog refused to walk more than 100' from the house, so we had a standoff and eventually I gave in because I wanted to kick the dog, I was just at my wits end. I let him come back home and he took off running but he ran so hard the buckle on his collar snapped and he took off free across the street to the house - a car was coming down the street!!! I almost burst into a screaming fit. I was tired and exhausted so I just fed him and cried at the kitchen table with my sisters words from the day before running through my mind, "Mommy's not the boss, you're the boss huh? Mommy doesn't know how to make you listen."
I felt like a complete failure this morning. After he ate I leashed him up, me in the foulest of moods, drove him to the park and cried when we got into another standoff as he refused to walk the trail and only walked the parking lot.
I felt like a complete failure at everything and I just wanted to call the rescue, send him back and just die so no one would ever have to deal with me and my ridiculous moods again.
I was thinking as I was fighting with the dog trying to get him to do "nice walk" along the trail, that he was being a lot like my husband in those last few months, refusing to go hiking and if he did, walking along sullenly and then complaining about how sore he was. I guess I should also note that at the traffic lights just exiting our neighborhood we sat waiting for the light to change across from an ambulance, just a few hundred meters from where my husbands car was found and the same paramedic that was there that day was sitting in the drivers seat.
It was a bad day for me.
I've been thinking of him a lot. I noticed in the shower that I was thinking, "Gee, I just can't wait until you can come home to me." He's Not Coming Home!!!!! Ever!!
My sister always does this threatening behavior when things aren't going according to how she imagines them in her head, as though the threat will make you suddenly realize you're upsetting her and you'll snap out of whatever it is that's impeding Her good time. I just silently cried as I sipped my coffee. I didn't want her to go because I've been having some pretty shitty days but I also can't stand the threats so I really didn't give a rats ass if she left. All I wanted was some support, someone to give me a break and allow me to take a load off and just be depressed and upset.
As usual, she ended up not leaving and I stuffed it all back down trying to be what she needed me to be. I cried again over lunch out at a restaurant. I tried not too but sometimes it just spills out, I just miss him so desperately, especially when we're sitting in the exact booth he and I sat in just days before his death and we're being served by the same waitress who joked with him that day.
He's everywhere recently. His shirt smells strong of him. I wish I could hold him. I need him so badly, I'm just hurting so much. I just want him here, the dog isn't enough, he's not the love I lost. I need that love back.
I don't want to hear that someone who didn't live here with us can't stand to look at his pictures because it makes them cry. Well, how do you think I feel!? I lived with him. I hugged him. I kissed him. I made love to him. I spent 20 inseparable years with him always by my side! I'm sorry you're "sad" but my life is shattered!!!!
He was mine. I couldn't stop it from happening. I never saw that coming. Why can't I be with him? I just want to be with him again.
I'm dying inside right now. I'm just so emotionally raw. I just want him home. :(
This morning my sister woke up and because I've been unusually emotional the past few days missing my husband so intensely, I've been a little moody and easily exhausted. I guess I was ruining her life high, so after grumping about how at my wits end I was about the dogs morning walk (I was literally in tears at the park), my sister gets passive aggressive quiet like how my husband used to get, starts stomping around, plunks herself at the kitchen table and announces, "I might just go home today, I can't sleep well here, too hot, it'll be better at my place."
Did I not start crying again!?
Like what the hell was I supposed to do, just snap out of it so she could have the f'ing happy week off she's imagined? So sorry to ruin your week because I'm still GRIEVING!!!!
First the dog refused to walk more than 100' from the house, so we had a standoff and eventually I gave in because I wanted to kick the dog, I was just at my wits end. I let him come back home and he took off running but he ran so hard the buckle on his collar snapped and he took off free across the street to the house - a car was coming down the street!!! I almost burst into a screaming fit. I was tired and exhausted so I just fed him and cried at the kitchen table with my sisters words from the day before running through my mind, "Mommy's not the boss, you're the boss huh? Mommy doesn't know how to make you listen."
I felt like a complete failure this morning. After he ate I leashed him up, me in the foulest of moods, drove him to the park and cried when we got into another standoff as he refused to walk the trail and only walked the parking lot.
I felt like a complete failure at everything and I just wanted to call the rescue, send him back and just die so no one would ever have to deal with me and my ridiculous moods again.
I was thinking as I was fighting with the dog trying to get him to do "nice walk" along the trail, that he was being a lot like my husband in those last few months, refusing to go hiking and if he did, walking along sullenly and then complaining about how sore he was. I guess I should also note that at the traffic lights just exiting our neighborhood we sat waiting for the light to change across from an ambulance, just a few hundred meters from where my husbands car was found and the same paramedic that was there that day was sitting in the drivers seat.
It was a bad day for me.
I've been thinking of him a lot. I noticed in the shower that I was thinking, "Gee, I just can't wait until you can come home to me." He's Not Coming Home!!!!! Ever!!
My sister always does this threatening behavior when things aren't going according to how she imagines them in her head, as though the threat will make you suddenly realize you're upsetting her and you'll snap out of whatever it is that's impeding Her good time. I just silently cried as I sipped my coffee. I didn't want her to go because I've been having some pretty shitty days but I also can't stand the threats so I really didn't give a rats ass if she left. All I wanted was some support, someone to give me a break and allow me to take a load off and just be depressed and upset.
As usual, she ended up not leaving and I stuffed it all back down trying to be what she needed me to be. I cried again over lunch out at a restaurant. I tried not too but sometimes it just spills out, I just miss him so desperately, especially when we're sitting in the exact booth he and I sat in just days before his death and we're being served by the same waitress who joked with him that day.
He's everywhere recently. His shirt smells strong of him. I wish I could hold him. I need him so badly, I'm just hurting so much. I just want him here, the dog isn't enough, he's not the love I lost. I need that love back.
I don't want to hear that someone who didn't live here with us can't stand to look at his pictures because it makes them cry. Well, how do you think I feel!? I lived with him. I hugged him. I kissed him. I made love to him. I spent 20 inseparable years with him always by my side! I'm sorry you're "sad" but my life is shattered!!!!
He was mine. I couldn't stop it from happening. I never saw that coming. Why can't I be with him? I just want to be with him again.
I'm dying inside right now. I'm just so emotionally raw. I just want him home. :(
Last edited:
scout86
VIP Member
Sounds like an absolutely horrible day!
It doesn't sound to me like you're failing with your dog, although I can see how it would feel that way. (I have a tendency to go that direction with thing too.) It sounds like he's kind of complicated. I took my rescue dog to a very basic dog training class and it was helpful. Something like "Canine Good Citizenship". Nothing too complicated. It was also pretty inexpensive. Do they have anything like that in your area? Maybe something the rescue could recommend?
I hope today goes WAY better than yesterday! :hug:
It doesn't sound to me like you're failing with your dog, although I can see how it would feel that way. (I have a tendency to go that direction with thing too.) It sounds like he's kind of complicated. I took my rescue dog to a very basic dog training class and it was helpful. Something like "Canine Good Citizenship". Nothing too complicated. It was also pretty inexpensive. Do they have anything like that in your area? Maybe something the rescue could recommend?
I hope today goes WAY better than yesterday! :hug:
D
Deleted member 12723
I am so sorry as well. Your sister sounds so exhausting and high maintenence and it makes me angry for you and I so wish I could tell her to back off.:hug:
joeylittle
Sponsor
Just reading along, @Medic72 - and thinking of you, often. Sending much love and support :hug:
NowYouSeeMe
Bronze Member
I'm so truly sorry to hear this. I don't know you, but you will be in my thoughts xxx
- Post starter
- #730
Im exhausted. My body aches and every muscle feels heavy. My sister doesn't get what her whirlwind three hour tours do to me. I can't go from zero to a hundred overnight, I need to build up to it. I'm also a little tired of the dog being an inconvenience to her agenda - let's take him on a hike!! Okay well, it doesn't work like that, he has to investigate everything along the way, it's not a constant walking thing, it's more like wandering. Despite this my sister still goes bat-out-of-hell barreling down the trail leaving us behind as I struggle to get the dog to focus and end up getting into several pulling challenges with him. Then I hear her say, "Bad dog" to him!!! I had to tell her not to do that today. He's just adjusting, he's not "bad".
Oh and my brother comments on FB today, "Sounds like you're not the boss of that dog, he's the boss of you." This brother is the male version of my sister. These are the exact words that had me in tears just the day before (spoken by her) and made me feel like an utter loser of a human being who just wanted nothing more than to give up and die.
It's like my family is trying to kick me while I'm down, seriously!? My husband killed himself - the man who spent 8 years fighting to keep me alive - and all my own family can do is poke and poke and poke and bully me. I feel helpless here.
I got the dog to cross the threshold of the dreaded scary looking trailhead this morning. He's refused ever since day one but today I walked 6', crouched down, called him to me, hugged him, petted him, got up, went to the end of the leash and repeated this until he'd crossed into the forest. Once he was inside and realized how open it was, he relaxed and soon his tail was wagging as we hiked down the trail a few feet. I let him give in after that when he got scared again but after 4 weeks he's done what I feared was going to be impossible. Now to get him to repeat it.
I'm "parenting" my way but my sister seems intent on destroying all of my work; she's feeding him junk food and when I caught her and gave her a warning. She said, "Oh Bahh! Our dogs used to eat chips, they never died." Yes but our dogs were free outside, ate roadkill and table scraps and eventually died of Cancer!!! This is MY dog, not hers, but this is her way of 1) Getting a thrill from undermining my authority, 2) Winning favor with the dog & 3) Becoming the "favorite, fun auntie". He begs now and I'm the crappy human who won't feed him what she's eating.
If my husband were here he would have put his foot down and she likely would have pouted and whined about it behind his back but she would have stayed in line. My family has never recognized my authority in anything, they still try to make me that "bratty snot nosed kid who was always angry." I'll never be more than that, I'll never be able to defend myself against their bullying.
You know, in a way, my husband saved me from that. He was my shield, my buffer from them; they weren't as mean around him. Now he's gone.
I miss him so much. I just need so badly to talk to him. I want to kiss him and hug him again. Some days I feel like I just imagined 20years of him, like he was never real because the feeling of those hugs and kisses seems to fade. Like all of it was unreal. I want so badly for it to be real again. To touch him, have him real again not just a fading memory in my head.
I need him so badly.
Oh and my brother comments on FB today, "Sounds like you're not the boss of that dog, he's the boss of you." This brother is the male version of my sister. These are the exact words that had me in tears just the day before (spoken by her) and made me feel like an utter loser of a human being who just wanted nothing more than to give up and die.
It's like my family is trying to kick me while I'm down, seriously!? My husband killed himself - the man who spent 8 years fighting to keep me alive - and all my own family can do is poke and poke and poke and bully me. I feel helpless here.
I got the dog to cross the threshold of the dreaded scary looking trailhead this morning. He's refused ever since day one but today I walked 6', crouched down, called him to me, hugged him, petted him, got up, went to the end of the leash and repeated this until he'd crossed into the forest. Once he was inside and realized how open it was, he relaxed and soon his tail was wagging as we hiked down the trail a few feet. I let him give in after that when he got scared again but after 4 weeks he's done what I feared was going to be impossible. Now to get him to repeat it.
I'm "parenting" my way but my sister seems intent on destroying all of my work; she's feeding him junk food and when I caught her and gave her a warning. She said, "Oh Bahh! Our dogs used to eat chips, they never died." Yes but our dogs were free outside, ate roadkill and table scraps and eventually died of Cancer!!! This is MY dog, not hers, but this is her way of 1) Getting a thrill from undermining my authority, 2) Winning favor with the dog & 3) Becoming the "favorite, fun auntie". He begs now and I'm the crappy human who won't feed him what she's eating.
If my husband were here he would have put his foot down and she likely would have pouted and whined about it behind his back but she would have stayed in line. My family has never recognized my authority in anything, they still try to make me that "bratty snot nosed kid who was always angry." I'll never be more than that, I'll never be able to defend myself against their bullying.
You know, in a way, my husband saved me from that. He was my shield, my buffer from them; they weren't as mean around him. Now he's gone.
I miss him so much. I just need so badly to talk to him. I want to kiss him and hug him again. Some days I feel like I just imagined 20years of him, like he was never real because the feeling of those hugs and kisses seems to fade. Like all of it was unreal. I want so badly for it to be real again. To touch him, have him real again not just a fading memory in my head.
I need him so badly.
- Post starter
- #731
It hurts really badly again today. My heart just feels like it could explode. I just want to give up and lay down and let life run right over me. I can't do this today. I can't be or do anything, it just hurts too bad.
I miss him so much. He died. How in hell did he die? How did that have to happen to him? Why did I have to be a middle aged widow? What in hell happened to my life? Too good to be true. If your life sucks right now, enjoy it because when things seem too good, they usually are...it all just comes crashing down.
My mood is depressed. I just wanted to take the day easy, lay around watching movies but after about two hours the dog gets bored, my sister gets bored and then there's pacing - by both of them - and it drives me insane. I do not know how to entertain people when I'm like this. My sister was itching to do something but when I asked her what she says what my husband used to say, "I dunno." So i say, lets take the dog for a walk, he act like he wants to go out - he'll go to stare at the front door, it's not to relieve himself because he goes to the backyard for that - she says, "Ahhhh, ummmm, yeah, maybe, I guess." So big flashing sign says she doesn't want to do that, so I say, well, what do you want to do then. "I dunno, something." Arrrrgh.
Does anyone else get so damned fatigued and depressed that they just can't think? That's how bad I am today. I've got a constant pain in my throat from the lump that I cannot swallow back. I want to cry. I need to cry and howl and release all this pain that seems to be trapped inside of me today. My whole body still hurts.
Because I couldn't think of an inexpensive way to entertain my sister that didn't involve hiking, she came downstairs with all of her things and decided to leave. This is how she gets. One minute she's saying that she thinks she's going to stay another 4 days, then almost in the next breath she's changed her mind and is walking out the door. When you're as upset and emotionally raw as I am, you just can't care but as her car drives away, I start to cry. So in a bad mood I take the stubborn dog for a walk and I end up on a trail pulling on his leash as he pulls with all his might against me and I just burst into tears right there in the middle of the forest.
I just need my husband here. I just need him to help me with this dog. I just need him to help do damage control from my sister's moods. I just need him still so much. My soul is still screaming for him. Screaming. Today is a very bad day.
He left me here with no one who really cares for me. I have no one who really loves me anymore. The dog? The dog doesn't know what he loves, I'm sure if love was visible he'd be afraid of it. I accidentally kicked my dog in the jaw as I was stepping over my pack today - I almost died inside. I just reached down and hugged him so hard and said I was sorry repeatedly. His tail was wagging like a mad man during that hug, not sure if he was happy or just nervous. My sister just rolled her eyes and said, "Ahhh, He's fine." It wasn't about how he felt, it was about how horrible a person I felt.
She does these things that make me feel bad, like when my husband and I always toyed with the idea of getting a dog, she'd say, "If you get a dog, you'll never see me again. I hate animals in the house, it's gross." She'd say the same if I said we were thinking about getting a cat. She said it again when I told her I was getting a dog but as soon as the dog got here she was all, "Awww, hi lil puppy wuppy. You're so cute, you're such a good boy...etc etc." Then continues on with comments like, "I'll take you if mommy can't take care of you, huh?" I can't help but hear the assumption in that comment. So I called her on it yesterday, reminding her how she always said she'd never come around again, her reply? "I never said that!!" She insisted and denied saying it for at least five minutes before finally admitting it! See? I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!
I'm so tired. She exhausted me completely. I'm glad she's gone but I'm sad to be alone again. She does what my husband used to do, she's here but she's always on her stupid phone so when I talk, she doesn't hear me anyway. I might as well be alone. When she does talk, there is no conversation, she is just talking at you and you are supposed to reply when appropriate - heaven forbid you try to contribute. This is where she differs from my husband, when I could get him to engage with me in those last few months, we would have meaningful conversations, but to get that far, it was like pulling teeth sometimes. With her? Well, I've just given up. When I'm with her it feels like I'm here FOR her not the other way around.
Hubby was here for me. I was here for him. We were together and that had meaning. I still just don't get why he had to die so damned early. It's driving me insane. My head wants to explode. My heart wants to explode. I just want so badly to see him again. My life was destroyed the day he died. I don't care who I am anymore. I just don't care about anything really.
I'm having a really bad day today....it will be 7 months in two days. I miss him. I want him home with me.
I miss him so much. He died. How in hell did he die? How did that have to happen to him? Why did I have to be a middle aged widow? What in hell happened to my life? Too good to be true. If your life sucks right now, enjoy it because when things seem too good, they usually are...it all just comes crashing down.
My mood is depressed. I just wanted to take the day easy, lay around watching movies but after about two hours the dog gets bored, my sister gets bored and then there's pacing - by both of them - and it drives me insane. I do not know how to entertain people when I'm like this. My sister was itching to do something but when I asked her what she says what my husband used to say, "I dunno." So i say, lets take the dog for a walk, he act like he wants to go out - he'll go to stare at the front door, it's not to relieve himself because he goes to the backyard for that - she says, "Ahhhh, ummmm, yeah, maybe, I guess." So big flashing sign says she doesn't want to do that, so I say, well, what do you want to do then. "I dunno, something." Arrrrgh.
Does anyone else get so damned fatigued and depressed that they just can't think? That's how bad I am today. I've got a constant pain in my throat from the lump that I cannot swallow back. I want to cry. I need to cry and howl and release all this pain that seems to be trapped inside of me today. My whole body still hurts.
Because I couldn't think of an inexpensive way to entertain my sister that didn't involve hiking, she came downstairs with all of her things and decided to leave. This is how she gets. One minute she's saying that she thinks she's going to stay another 4 days, then almost in the next breath she's changed her mind and is walking out the door. When you're as upset and emotionally raw as I am, you just can't care but as her car drives away, I start to cry. So in a bad mood I take the stubborn dog for a walk and I end up on a trail pulling on his leash as he pulls with all his might against me and I just burst into tears right there in the middle of the forest.
I just need my husband here. I just need him to help me with this dog. I just need him to help do damage control from my sister's moods. I just need him still so much. My soul is still screaming for him. Screaming. Today is a very bad day.
He left me here with no one who really cares for me. I have no one who really loves me anymore. The dog? The dog doesn't know what he loves, I'm sure if love was visible he'd be afraid of it. I accidentally kicked my dog in the jaw as I was stepping over my pack today - I almost died inside. I just reached down and hugged him so hard and said I was sorry repeatedly. His tail was wagging like a mad man during that hug, not sure if he was happy or just nervous. My sister just rolled her eyes and said, "Ahhh, He's fine." It wasn't about how he felt, it was about how horrible a person I felt.
She does these things that make me feel bad, like when my husband and I always toyed with the idea of getting a dog, she'd say, "If you get a dog, you'll never see me again. I hate animals in the house, it's gross." She'd say the same if I said we were thinking about getting a cat. She said it again when I told her I was getting a dog but as soon as the dog got here she was all, "Awww, hi lil puppy wuppy. You're so cute, you're such a good boy...etc etc." Then continues on with comments like, "I'll take you if mommy can't take care of you, huh?" I can't help but hear the assumption in that comment. So I called her on it yesterday, reminding her how she always said she'd never come around again, her reply? "I never said that!!" She insisted and denied saying it for at least five minutes before finally admitting it! See? I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!
I'm so tired. She exhausted me completely. I'm glad she's gone but I'm sad to be alone again. She does what my husband used to do, she's here but she's always on her stupid phone so when I talk, she doesn't hear me anyway. I might as well be alone. When she does talk, there is no conversation, she is just talking at you and you are supposed to reply when appropriate - heaven forbid you try to contribute. This is where she differs from my husband, when I could get him to engage with me in those last few months, we would have meaningful conversations, but to get that far, it was like pulling teeth sometimes. With her? Well, I've just given up. When I'm with her it feels like I'm here FOR her not the other way around.
Hubby was here for me. I was here for him. We were together and that had meaning. I still just don't get why he had to die so damned early. It's driving me insane. My head wants to explode. My heart wants to explode. I just want so badly to see him again. My life was destroyed the day he died. I don't care who I am anymore. I just don't care about anything really.
I'm having a really bad day today....it will be 7 months in two days. I miss him. I want him home with me.
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